.berdampingan

Ada sebuah alasan mengapa ada ruang sunyi di antara aku dan dirinya ketika kita berjalan di keramaian kota Jakarta sore hari itu. Disinari cahaya matahari yang hendak mengucapkan salam perpisahan, aku dan dirinya berjalan berdampingan melalui sibuknya kendaraan-kendaran di sisi kiri kami mengungkapkan ketidaksabaran mereka melalui bisingnya bunyi klakson yang dibumbui oleh amarah. Tidak ada lagi kata canggung mewarnai hubungan kami. Kami hanya perlu menjalani langkah kami hingga kami tiba di tujuan kami, hingga kami berpisah.

Namun perpisahan itu selalu menjadi perpisahan yang sesungguhnya. Waktu yang aku miliki dengannya selalu hanya terpaut pada satu hari itu saja.

Mungkin aku sendiri adalah seseorang yang terlalu memikirkan hal-hal kecil yang seharusnya tidak perlu kupikirkan. Jika aku hendak bertemu dengannya, pikiranku akan selalu dikuasai oleh seberapa banyak kami akan menghabiskan waktu bersama, atau seberapa lama kami akan ada dalam satu ruang napas. Aku selalu mencari cara agar kami tidak pernah dikunjungi ruang bisu. Karena untukku, kebisuan berarti aku dan siapa pun lawan bicaraku tidak cocok untuk menghabiskan waktu bersama.

Tapi masalahnya adalah justru melalui kesunyian itulah seseorang benar-benar dapat merasakan kehadiran seseorang lainnya. Melalui kesunyian kita lebih dapat menghargai kehadiran seseorang. Keberadaan seseorang pun merupakan bentuk dan kasih sayang yang tidak dapat diungkapkan oleh kata-kata. Waktu yang menjadi saksi bahwa dia ingin bersama denganku daripada dengan seseorang yang lain.

Seperti yang pernah dirinya-yang-telah-berlalu katakan kepadaku: “aku tidak perlu topik pembicaraan, berada bersama denganmu dalam ruang sunyi pun sudah cukup bagiku”. Dan aku mengerti arti semua itu sekarang, bahwa duduk berhadapan dan tenggelam dalam dunia masing-masing, asalkan aku tahu bahwa ada dirinya di hadapanku, seharusnya itu sudah lebih dari cukup.

Dan hubungan yang telah dirajut oleh sekian banyak pengalaman naik gunung, turun ke lembah, berenang pada laut dengan batas tak terhingga, berlari menembus teriknya matahari dan badai hujan, semua itu hanya akan membawa aku dan dirinya ke sebuah titik bahwa aku dan dirinya seolah diciptakan untuk bersama.

Aku heran dengan diriku sendiri ketika aku berjalan dengannya, yang berusaha menyamakan langkahnya yang lebar dengan langkahku yang kecil, heran karena aku tidak lagi kebingungan oleh canggung ketika tidak ada satu pun kata yang keluar dari kedua mulut kami untuk membicarakan sesuatu. Aku hanya tahu sore hari itu aku menikmati perjalanan kami.

Seperti inikah seharusnya perjalanan cinta yang sesungguhnya? Bahwa pada akhirnya sebuah hubungan akan bermuara pada cara masing-masing individu saling menikmati kehadiran satu sama lain. Entahlah, sudah lama sekali nampaknya aku tidak berada pada ruang seperti demikian. Aku sudah lupa.

Tapi yang aku tahu itu indah.

“Karena aku sudah menemukan kedamaianku”

Jakarta turun hujan lagi malam ini. Apakah aku sedang merindukanmu? Karena masa-masa aku mencintaimu adalah ketika hujan turun untuk menyampaikan kerinduanku kepadamu. Tetapi ketahuilah, bahwa aku sudah menemukan kedamaianku.

Aku pun heran ketika pikiranku tiba-tiba tidak lagi diisi dengan sosoknya ketika aku sedang berkelana di kantorr. Atau di gym. Atau di kantin. Ruang-ruang yang dulu pernah kami isi untuk menghabiskan waktu bersama. Seperti yang malam itu Tuhan katakan kepadaku, bahwa pertemuan super-intensif sepanjang dua minggu bertujuan untukNya “mengenyangkan” kerinduan yang pernah aku sampaikan kepada Tuhan. Sebuah penutup, dengan caraNya meyakinkanku bahwa aku dan dirinya adalah kemustahilan, bukan kemungkinan. Aku tidak lagi bertemu dengannya. Perlahan memori mengenai keberadaannya hilang, disapu angin waktu.

Karena aku sudah menerima dirinya yang telah menjadi bagian dari diriku yang akan kubawa sampai akhir hidupku, walaupun kisah tentangnya akan perlahan terlupakan. Melekat dalam batinku, sudah cukup, tanpa aku harus memandang bayang-bayang dirinya lagi.

Namun hari ini aku bertemu lagi dengan dirinya. Maksudku “bertemu” bukan mengenai bertatap muka dengan muka, atau bertukar pandang. Kehadirannya yang aku ketahui ada di sekitarku: melihat namanya tertulis dalam sebuah lembaran daftar hadir dan memandang pantulan sosoknya dari balik kaca yang membalut seluruh ruang gym.

“Dia lagi”, ujarku kepada sahabat-sahabatku. Mungkin mereka heran mengapa aku harus mempermasalahkan jika kami bertemu.

“Kenalan lagi donk: hai kayak pernah liat di kantor, kamu satu kantor sama aku ya?”, aku tidak dapat menahan tawaku ketika membaca salah satu dari ketiga sahabatku menuliskan pesan melalui WhatsApp group kami. Epic.

Tapi duduk permasalahannya bukan mengenai ada atau tidak ada dia disekitarku. Mungkin kemarin jika aku bertemu dengannya, aku akan dikuasai oleh perasaan sedih yang tak terungkap oleh karena kami sudah menjadi dua orang asing. Namun sekarang aku dapat katakan bahwa pertemuanku dengannya hanya akan membawa hawa canggung yang tidak sanggup aku hadapi. “Bagaimana aku harus bersikap kepadanya?”, tanyaku dalam hati jika ada satu kemungkinan untuk disempatkan berpapasan dengannya.

Aku bertanya kepada langit malam yang memantulkan cahaya merah entah darimana, jika aku sedang merindukannya sehingga haruskah hujan turun malam ini ketika sudah sekian lama Jakarta tidak turun hujan? Tetapi aku memang sudah tidak lagi merindukan dirinya. Bahkan ketika aku sedang berlari seraya bertanya apakah aku dan dia akan berpapasan lagi hari ini dari atas ban berjalan di gym, aku mendengar Tuhan bertanya kepadaku jika aku ingin bertemu dengannya. Dengan yakin aku menjawab: tidak. Karena aku tidak tahu apa yang harus aku katakan kepadanya jika kami harus berpapasan sebegitu dekatnya, dan hanya ada kami berdua di dalam ruangan tersebut. Aku memilih untuk melepaskannya dengan tidak bertemu dengannya kembali.

Mungkin hujan yang mengguyur kota Jakarta malam ini adalah cara alam, cara Tuhan menyampaikan pesan, bahwa hujan bukan lagi caraku bersembunyi dari dunia ketika aku sedang menangisinya, hujan yang pernah menyamarkan tangisku yang membelai kedua sisi pipiku.

Karena aku tidak lagi menangisi kehampaan dirinya.

Aku sudah menemukan kedamaianku 🙂

 

Friday “me” time

The night where I promised myself to enjoy my own time was the weekend night where everybody was going out with their beloved ones. I bumped into several acquaintances and they asked me if I was with someone. “No. I’m all by myself”, I answered them confidently just to make them re-confirm whether they hear what they heard. But they heard correctly. 

“Why?”. Did you ask why, my friends? Because this week I was overwhelmed by interacting with lots of people just to fulfill their needs. But i need to be fulfilled for the same reasons as well. But I answered differently.

“Just to enjoy myself”, said I. I could detect their confusions. But that was just me: sometimes I get lonely, but most of the time I need to be detached with the world. 

So I decided to went for a movie (instead of walking around the mall with no purpose). I chose a theater where I spent the beginning with him. Yes, I did revisit the memories, but I didn’t tell anyone. Because it was too hard to explain, that I just wanted to make peace with the places we were spending time in. 

God had given me the chance to see him one more time. From missing him to overflowing with satisfied feelings. I think it should be enough to let him go, forever.

I arrived at the theatre 30 minutes before the movie started. It was awkward seeing myself in front of the mirror with earphones on, while everybody around me had someone to throw a smile at. But I learned again that night: it is okay to be alone as long as you enjoy yourself. 

As long as you make peace with your greatest fear: loneliness.

 As I walked around the corners, I did smile. Because somehow I could see and feel him by my side while in fact I was completely alone. Especially inside a big dark room when the movie was played. He was there, sitting at my right side. Discussing scene after scene. 

I did miss our quality moments 🙂

But do I wish that to be repeated? I did, and perhaps still do: seeing things work with you would be the best adventure ever. But it’s also okay if things don’t work as I hoped for. 

Because I believe this is God who wanted me to settle with the one from Him. He loves me too much. 

I met you again few times these couple days. Not as intensive as the last two weeks. But I realize now that everytime I go somewhere, I’d prefer to avoid you. It was enough, because you are my past now. A part of me that would never come back, a part of me I will always cherish. The first love that happened to me for the very first time in this beloved City.

And although this residual love is still exist somewhere in my heart, I’d rather accepting it as a part of my current life which one day would be faded away.

The movie was not really that great, but I enjoyed being by myself. I no longer be afraid of being alone: loneliness is a decision – whether to feel lonely or whether to recharge your own self by embracing who you really are that sometimes we need space to grow (especially for an introvert like me :p).

Maybe it is good if we were still together, so we can enjoy our weekend together. But maybe it’ll be greater if we were not be together so each of us can learn a valuable lessons for the future.

Categories EN

Proper goodbye

Ada alasan yang tepat mengapa pada malam itu Tuhan berbicara langsung dalam hatiku. Karena untuk sekian hari aku bertanya-tanya jika aku akan bertemu denganmu kembali setelah pertemuan tiada henti selama dua minggu terakhir.

Tentang mengapa aku harus terus-terusan bertemu denganmu.

Sesuatu dalam hatiku berbicara bahwa sudah waktunya aku mengucapkan selamat tinggal kepadamu. Selamanya. Menutup buku akan pengetahuan hatiku terhadap dirimu.

Aku percaya itu Tuhan yang berbicara.

Tapi ingatlah selalu, sayangku, bahwa kamu adalah bagian dari diriku. Bahkan mungkin, masih menjadi bagian dari diriku hingga waktu menghembus ingatanku akan dirimu. Dan aku hanya perlu menerima diriku yang mengasihimu sedemikian rupanya.

Mengasihimu yang tidak akan pernah kumiliki kembali.

Senin malam. Aku menghadiri latihan rutin Choir di sudut kota Jakarta bagian barat. Awalnya aku hadir dengan keceriaan. Namun berakhir dengan tangis tak henti yang mengalir di kedua pipiku. Seorang teman Choir memergoki aku yang terus tertunduk menatap lantai seraya bernyanyi. Karena tangis yang turun dan menetes ke lantai dingin ruangan latihan itu, tidak dapat kukendalikan.

Matanya terbelak kejut, “Irene, kamu kenapa?”. Aku? Kenapa? Aku tidak tahu. Aku hanya tahu aku menangis begitu kencangnya. Aku hanya tahu aku merasakan kesedihan yang sangat besar. Dan aku tahu detik itu, bahwa Tuhan sedang duduk di dalam ruang hatiku, berhadapan muka dengan muka dengan sosokku, berbicara denganku, membukakan satu demi satu fakta hati yang tak terungkap, atau bahkan mungkin yang aku sudah lama sangkal.

Aku tahu Tuhan sedang menutup pintu yang pernah terbuka untukku mencintainya. Dan itu menyakitkan. Aku mengerti sekarang mengapa banyak orang mengusikku ketika aku harus melepaskan seseorang yang kucintai. Karena hal yang paling sulit mengenai melepaskanmu adalah menyadari bahwa kenangan-kenangan indah dan manis yang pernah kita rangkai bersama akan terlupakan seiring berjalannya waktu.

Bahkan ketika aku meyakinkan diriku sendiri bahwa tidak apa-apa jika aku tidak melupakan. Tapi aku tahu bahwa waktu akan menghapus segala yang pernah kumiliki bersama dengannya. Dan itu terlalu indah untuk dilupakan. Karena sudah pasti aku tidak akan merasakan perasaan yang sama.

Tentu saja aku tidak akan merasakan perasaan yang sama seperti yang pernah aku rasakan terhadapnya. Karena kemungkinannya hanya 1: merasakan perasaan yang lebih indah dari yang sebelumnya. Itulah keajaiban cinta.

Maka dari itu aku harus melepaskanmu. Selamanya. Untuk mendapatkan perasaan yang lebih indah lagi dari yang pernah aku rasakan terhadap dirimu.

Jadi.. Tidak. Aku tidak akan bertemu dengannya lagi. Atau kebetulan bertemu dengannya lagi. Dan kita akan kembali ke titik awal ketika semuanya belum dimulai: aku yang tidak pernah mengingat dirimu, dan kamu yang tidak pernah mempedulikan aku. Tuhan sudah mengenyangkan aku dengan pertemuanku denganmu. Aku pernah merasa begitu kosongnya karena aku begitu merindukanmu. Tuhan terlalu sayang kepadaku sehingga Dia berikan kepadaku kesempatan untuk menutup segala yang masih tersisa tentangmu, termasuk caraku yang terlalu merindukanmu.

Selamat tinggal. Aku tidak akan lagi merindukanmu. Karena malam penuh tangis itu, Tuhan berbicara seraya mengusap kepalaku: “lepaskanlah anakKu, sayang. Karena hatimu terlalu berharga untuk merindukan seseorang yang bukan untukmu”.

Will I see you again?

Two weeks. 

Two weeks of constant meetings. I wonder if God is making a joke with me. 

I had my darkest moments after losing him. And in those moments, i craved for his presence. I wished hard to bump into him. I tried to create moments to meet him accidentally, but it was never succeed. I stalked his social media profiles only to find how he is been doing, but i ended up getting hurt because i am not a part of his life anymore. Until i had to asked myself, why i do what i do. Why i seeked him. Why i cried for his absence. Why i missed him so much and our small talks. I didn’t even love him, did i? I just (thought) i cared for him. Until one of my bestfriend came to me and told me: “it’s love, my dear, it is love”.

Shocked, as well as relieved at the same time. Like a caged bird which now free to fly.

I stopped denying the feelings and accepted it. Somehow, it became easier. I mean, the moving on and healing process became easier. Because from where i’ve been, from what i’ve learned, love doesn’t need to own each other. Seeing him from afar fulfills my emptiness. Even if love needs some time to grow, but it is so possible that little love touches the heart in the beginning of the journey. Do you believe that? I believe it now.. 

Is it wrong to love you in such way that no one could understand it?

So i lived my days, my own journey. He is no longer a shadow, but he was a part of me. I chose to embrace his memories in my heart.

Then it started.. When i kept seeing him until the next two weeks. I was overwhelmed as well as confused because i did not understand why he was suddenly everywhere. Though i came in hours where he was not supposed to be there: gym, canteen, office lounge, lift, office lobby. But i realized that my cup was abundantly fulfilled.

On the contrary, the saddest thing is that we were strangers to each other. I could feel the awkwardness when our eyes met. Do i prefer to meet him? Or do i prefer to avoid him? I can’t give the right answer. I just knew i missed him, but i also don’t want to put any of us in a hard position.

So i asked God every night before i go to bed: “will i see him again tomorrow?”.

Will I see you again, my love?

Because every day is always been a mystery for me, why things happen the way they they are. Like why do i have to meet you every day, in every given moments. Was it because we are working in the same office? No. This had never been happened before. Why should it happens now? 

Or maybe it is because i am no longer dwell in your shadow, but accepting the loss not as a failure, but as a room to grow.

But i learned to be grateful, of you. Maybe it is love, and the true one 🙂

Will i see you again? Only God knows.. 

My first own book #101 journey

 Last night I went out with my best friend. At first it was supposed to be a short meeting (or evening coffee), but then it turned out to be a casual dinner with a good, deep, meaningful talk. I handed him one copy of my booklet. The book that talk so much about him.

As I told him (my best friend) the story behind how the book was being written, I can feel the burden that had once existed was already gone.

Burden? How can it be a burden?

Few years ago I was called to write a book. But I did not want to commit. Writing a book means a commitment. I can’t commit to spend long hours of sitting in front of the computer and writing. I ignored the calling God was once tell me years ago.

Then I met him.

When I started a journey with him, I never intended to write anything about him. When I thought the relationship was being serious, unconsciously I wrote things I went through with him. Especially the things I learned about him. I wrote in a bullet points in my personal notes.

And then the relationship just ended.

I was devastated, because I had opened myself. And I chose to love him (although at that point of time, I never realized before that I had loved him in such mysterious way).

I had nowhere else to go and to escape from my own mind, except to write.

As how brokenhearted people would do, they will revisit all the memories that had been formed when the moments were created. So did I. I revisited the chats and the things I wrote about him in my blog as well as in personal notes, and decided to develop it to be a story to be told to the world. Not to embarrass anybody, but I realized that writing is my most effective way of getting healed. I think that is the most beautiful thing an Introvert can give to the world: their emotions through writing.

And I found out that there were so many things I wrote about him, day by day, from the day we started our journey to the day we ended the relationship.

I told some of my closest friends that I am writing a book, about him. Some were saying that it inspired them, while some others laughed at me while saying: “what do you want to achieve from there?”. Well at least I know who can you call a “true friend” – you just need them to embrace your talents.

But what did I want to achieve once the book is finished? I was never intended to give it to him or even letting him know that I am writing something precious called “literature” about him. I just wanted one: to be healed. Because I was so broken and lost my way. Even when my (other) best friend asked me the “what’s next?” question, I barely could answer him.

So this is the journey..

It was a painful journey, of writing the book. I cried, a lot, and can feel the pain went through my bones. Everything in my life seemed to be so blur, and me, the perfectionist and extremely organized individual, got so messed up in arranging things in life: when to sleep, when to wake up, when to exercise, and so many other things. I lost track of time.

I just wanted him to fill my days with small talks and midnight conversations.

Writing a book, you really need to dive into its world. Otherwise, you won’t pour out the emotions you were supposed to share to the readers. But I committed to finish the book. 

There were times when I wrote some part of the stories, I stopped. I stopped because I was shock. I was shock because I didn’t know before that I could be that all out. Putting my best effort to understand him, while I found out that he was not in the same page as me. I was so afraid in facing myself when I wrote that parts. Afraid of myself that got into a shock and turned to feel the pain, the sadness, the sorrows. 

The brokenhearted.

I just wanted to forget.

But I learned that moving on and getting healed is not about how much you forget about your own feelings. It doesn’t have to forgetting the person that hurt you. I don’t have to erase him from my heart, because he was a part of me.

It is about accepting that things are not going as you planned.

I never prepared that this relationship will end at such a short time. I thought it will last at least months if it’s not working, or years if it’s working. 

All the ups and downs I encountered by writing our journey, I finally understand why things couldn’t go as the way it should had. Everything became so clear like crystal, and I embraced his consideration, his decision.

But from the bright side, his presence in my life had brought out the things I had buried for years, and I expressed it in a form of a book. 

You bring changes 🙂

And I should be grateful that I’ve met you, and loving you in such way no one could understand.

Well, I had plans of making this official. Still looking a way to find a publisher. It’s okay. I won’t stop. Won’t stop looking, won’t stop writing. 

Found my passion now…

Greeted you

I’ve got myself a stength to greet you when you was standing 0.5 meters in front of me, while you were not realizing my presence.

You always never be aware of my presence, but i always know you were there – as far as my eyes could see your appearance.

The book i had written about you, had completely done. I had printed it out as a booklet last weekend. I had my ups and downs during the days (or weeks, or months) of writing those detailed stories. Writing about you, about us, hurting me (will write on the details in the next post). But i knew it was my healing process. And after i finished everything, those writings really healed me. 

Why?

Because today, when i bumped into you, i could say your name while i greeted you.

I was alone, walked through the aisle of the canteen. Looked around, and found out that your friends were there. One of them spotted me. But i didn’t understand why he didn’t smile at me though he saw me. 

Then you came along. I can tell it was you even i saw you from your behind.

Why?

Because i knew, and realized, that i had loved you. 

I guess it is one of the most beautiful thing about love that you can tell it is the man you love from his voice, his back, his way of walk, to his breath as well.

As you stood in front of me, not knowing that i was there, i greeted you: “Hey, Mr.J!”, said i tried to be as friendly as possible. But did it come from the heart? Or was i faking? I guess it was, purely coming from the heart.

Why?

Because i had loved you, and perhaps i still do.

Love doesn’t need to be a form of having you by my side. Love just need to be embraced even though you are so far away. 

I thank God for giving me so much love for you. Even though we are no longer “us” 🙂