I just knew that I had to rest. Waking up late with no workout and not going anywhere for the rest of the day. So I followed what my guts said about how I should spend my Saturday.
Turned out that it was for something – woman thingy that appeared on the next day, which is today.
But somehow, I craved to see someone. I just did not know whom to call. It is not about the number of friends I have or don’t have, but I saw most of them spent their weekends with their beloved ones. While I, alone, at a small room with a 4×4 meters size.
I wake up early morning, 4.45 AM to get prepared for a short city ride after three weeks I left riding. The weather was nice. Quite windy, with a little bit of clouds that hid the sun from its sting. I was at a crossroad to choose whether to continue with a short run (brick session) and attend a third service at my church, or just leave the run and straightaway go for a second service. I knew it’s training season for Ironman Bintan Triathlon which will be there in less than two months, but I learned to say “enough for today” and spend some time to finish what I had started (and committed): writing. So yeah, I chose to get ready to go for a second service and finish my final revision of my own book to get it printed. I just wanted to get it done within today.
I caught myself to consider whether I should announce my presence in the second service to my church friends. I did not know what I need: to be by myself after a whole day with no human interactions the day before, or companionship. Suddenly someone from the group asked whether anyone will be attending a second service. So I lifted my voice and we decided to sit together.
We had lunch together, and then we both separated different ways. I went to stay at a coffee shop in the ground level, and he went to the gym.
But why was I still feel lonely?
You see, loneliness is a decision. To feel what you feel towards certain things, we can actually decide how we react on certain conditions.
If I have to be alone today, it should be okay. I was okay before.
Well, maybe it’s the hormone talking.
I sat at the middle of the cafe, facing the crowds. With people passing by, I did not find them bothering my focus on Oscar (my laptop’s name :p). I put my earphones on and started writing accompanied by a glass of ice vanilla latte – ice, I picked ice because I think I had enough caffeine today, so to make it less strong.
At one moment I gazed towards the ceiling, and realized that I was sitting right below across the restaurant when I first met him that close. So I smiled, and thinking whether I will be seeing him one more time.
I miss him..
A good friend of mine told me to let him go for some reasons, that I should not tortured myself with something that is too impossible and no one could ever help. But is it too impossible? Does he that far? Does he really beyond my reach?
And maybe those meetings God allowed me to have were actually a message from God that He listens my wishes, He always is.
I really do miss him. There was a slight thought if I were about to see him again from audience seats. Somehow something in my heart said that he was scheduled today. But I did not see him when I attended the service, of course. I kept recall my good friend’s advice: to let him go. So I threw away the feeling I thought was some kind of a “sign” before.
But my feeling did not tell lie.
Four hours later, my bestfriend came to visit me. Had a 15 minutes talk, and then he stood up as he prepared himself to leave, back home. Then he said that, something that made my heart pounded. “You know, he was there at the third service”, since my bestfriend was assigned at the third service as well.
“I knew it!”, I exclaimed while hit the table softly. “I had a feeling he would be there”. He laughed as he looked at my childish attitude by hiding behind my big handbag since I brought a laptop.
“Why are you blushing? He’s not even here!”, said he. Yeah. I did not understand why I blushed.
And there was something in my heart that does not want to let him go, still want to try my luck, still want to wish and pray about him every night. Is it wrong?
“Come, I’ll send you home”, he offered. I rejected his offer. “Where do you want to go after this?”, he, my bestfriend, asked.
“I need to go groceries first”, I replied him as I waved him a goodbye. It was true, I did not lie. But on the other side, I was afraid to get home this early: 4.00 PM. I was at home the whole day yesterday and I was lonely and I needed companionship. My bestfriend could not accompany me as he was too tired from his two days full event on Friday and Saturday. So I let him rest.
Basically I just wanted to talk. Small and simple things – the unimportant ones. And if it can’t happen, I would waste the hour of walking around a place to distract my thoughts from thinking more than it should be. A distraction, basically that’s all I need.
I spent one hour randomly walking around the mall and then decided to go home and just write this post at home. But I found myself avoiding places where I had the chance of meeting him, whom I admire, because I could not stand me. I knew he would not know this. And he would not care either.
I texted some of my friends who might have the chance to stay around after the third service. But they already had plans for the evening. So they asked: “what’s up?”.
Nothing. I answered them with “nothing”. Because I did not know how could I express this feelings other than through writing. You see, I do feel lonely. But this kind of loneliness is not about I have or do not have friends around to hang out with. I know this is from the inside. That what I craved is not for someone to listen to my disturbing thoughts, but someone to be presence when I have nothing to say but a lot of things that bothering my mind.
That most of the time, I fear for myself.
I recalled what PS. Sydney Mohede had delivered earlier: life satisfaction is a decision. I satisfy with what I physically have right now: life, career, money, friends, things I have now. But I understand that I am lacking of one thing: love.
No wonder that lately songs about “God”s love” keeps coming and touch me right into the heart. Because God wants to tell me how He loves me “TOO” much, and I could not stop my tears from falling when I hear a phrase in a certain songs mentioning “I love you – God”.
If God loves me THAT much, what other things do I need? Because loneliness not even a choice if we are experiencing God’s unconditional love that no human cannot be compared with.
I am a working in progress, everybody are, and I believe you are too. I am a working in progress to understand that God’s love is beyond what we can think of, or even from what anybody could explain. I always tell my friends that love could not be feel alone, it has to be experienced. And I think God is filling me with His love, continuously, so the very-logical-analyst-me could be diluted by this kind of fact: God’s love – and it is not just a word of “love” itself, but it is a TRUE LOVE.
And from what I’ve seen, God is fighting for me my biggest battle: loneliness that I often feel.