Blessings in Disguise · EN · Life Lesson

Hope without End – JPCC TWC 2017

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It never crossed my mind to attend any Church’s events which mostly held during weekends, because I was afraid that I will burn out as I have regular weekdays Church meetings. And never crossed my mind to attend Treassure Women Conference this year. I did not even have the intention to go this year. But today, as I am writing this post, I just got back from the two full days TWC.

On Monday 28th August 2017, two weeks before TWC 2017 would be held, I received a news that shattered my heart into pieces, and I knew, I just knew, how my days would start and end each day starting from that day. With tears heavily falling on my cheeks, I threw a question to God: “How should I get through this, God?”. As an HSP (Hyper-Sensitive Person), I can hear Him clearly replying my question: “Register for TWC 2017, and I will show you how”. Clearly.

Because I knew it was Him, I obeyed.

And I knew it was Him, because at this very second, after the conference done, I can confidently telling you that that Conference TRULY IS for me. Every message that has been shared in the conference, speaks JUST EXACTLY as what I’ve been struggling for the past two weeks.

All questions were answered.

Do you believe that God is that close? He is to me. I asked, He gave command, I obeyed, and all questions just simply answered like that.

Last year we, JPCC Choir got the chance to sing at TWC 2016. But I skipped the opportunity because I did not want to spend the whole day at Church during the weekends. While everybody were grateful to be involved in the event, I chose to ignore the calling and miss the opportunity to sing and sit and listen to the speakers. But God is never giving up on me. He tried it one more time this year.

So I obeyed.

And I want to share the blessings I received to you, Readers.

Because He is real, and there is Hope for the hopeless.

If He never gives up on us, why should we give up on the dreams God has put into our hearts in the first place?

So I came prepared, knowing that God will speaks right to my heart. I came prepared, knowing that God will touch my heart, aiming for my greatest pain. I came prepared, bringing all the broken pieces of my heart and asked Him to putting all the pieces together with me. I came prepared and asked Him to accompany me because I was too afraid to face the tide by my own. I came as how I am: fragile and vulnerable.

Because I believe that God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18).

It is in my pain that God is closest.

DAY 1 – Friday, 8 September 2017

Session 1 by Dawnchere Wilkerson : SAY IT AGAIN

Exodus 3:7-8. God is God who never forgets your situation. God is God who never giving up on you. God is God who never putting you aside. God is God who never ignoring your needs, your wishes, your dreams.

Exodus 3:4 wrote that God called Moses twice (“Moses, Moses!”). He wants us to listen to Him. When we take our position to listen on His calling, we can hear His voice clearly. Many of us, in times of troubles we tend to listen to our own voice, questioning God why things should turn bad, not as how we are expecting. But at moment of difficulties, hear God. Listen to God’s voice. Because He wants to tell us that He wants us to receive great things to happen in our lives.

He wants us, He wants to speak with us.

When Moses was called to deliver the Israelite to the promise land, God promised Moses to be with him. As he encountered problems by problems, Moses asked God to give him miracles. As the sea split into two, as the bread descended from the heaven, God promised Moses: “I will be with you” (Exodus 4:12). And if we are in doubt, when you feel like you want to give up on your devastating situation, call God, and ask Him to say it again, say the promise He once said, that He will always be with you. God be with Moses in every single step and journey he had to take to lead the Israelite.

Every season in our lives, God is faithful. In the season of waiting, God always encourage us to keep walking, because you are not on hold. His promise awaits you.

Know that God is enough for us.

Session 2 by Sari Simorangkir : ENDLESS HOPE

We know that David had encountered difficult times. He was weeping. But David never lost hope.

Psalm 23 telling us how much David depended on God during his darkest hours, how much hope he put in God.

  1. Being content in God – Psalm 23:1 “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack of nothing”
  2. Having conviction in profound assurance – Psalm 23:3 “He guides me along the right paths”
  3. Secure – Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk to the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me”
  4. Know where his future lies

We never lack of the good things God gives in our lives. “THE GOOD”, as measured by God for each of us. What good for one person’s life, is not necessarily good for the other person’s life. And God knows what “GOOD” means for every each of us.

It is IMPOSSIBLE for God to give us the wrong blessings.

God is never making a mistake.

Session 3 by Rick Wilkerson : GOD’S LOVE LANGUAGE

Each of us shows love through our own love language. But how God wants to be loved? What is God love language?

John 14 wrote “If you love me, you will obey Me”. God has one love language: obedience. But how do we love God if God does not “behave” (read: doing nothing, being silence).

God acts out of our timeline. His time is not our time, nor ours is not His.

John 11 tells us a story about Lazarus. Why did God had to wait two days while Martha and Mary came to Him asked for Lazarus to be healed? Why did God had to wait for four days before He resurrected Lazarus?

Because God wants us to show us that He is God: “If you believe, you will see the glory of God” (John 11:40).

Our waiting season does not have to be wasted. We tend to worry when God does not working on our wishes. We tend to doubt God when God seems to be silent. We tend to be hopeless when God does not answer our prayers over a long time.

Worry separate you from God. But worship draws us close to God.

Worship Him if we feel anxious, worry, doubtful, or hopeless. Because we need God during that moment. Don’t turn your face away from God.

God’s love is way much bigger than our faith. It is impossible God abandoned our wishes, our hopes, our dreams.

When we put our hope in God, we are expecting God is working on something. Even it seems to be so quiet, but God is working on something that we cannot see. Expect that God is working on something, because then we will be prepared to receive the blessings from Him. Get prepared, be prepared. When the time comes, you will receive the blessings and you have already equipped to handle the blessings.

If we think that God does not do anything, it does not mean God is delaying, it does not mean God is rejecting us. Never put a period, if God puts a comma.

If it is not okay, it is not the end. God has not finished yet.

If God always meets our expectations, He cannot show that He is more than the wishes we’ve ever asked, than the dreams we’ve ever build. How can He ever exceeds, if He always gives us what we ask.

If expectation does not line up with our situation, it’s always because God wants to reveal something that He has never been shown to us or we have ever known before.

DAY 2 – Saturday, 9 September 2017

Session 1 by Angela Rachmat : THE “RED SEA” IN OUR LIVES

Exodus 14:13-14 speaks four things to the Israelite when they were facing red sea in front of them.

  1. “Do not be afraid”. Fear steals strength. Fear steals hope. Fear stops us from moving forward. Fear is not a sin, but it can drag you into sin. Fear might bring you nowhere because you are too afraid to decide (or creating the possibility of the having best decision for life). God knows our weaknesses, as well as our strengths. But God wants us to focus on our strengths to fight our own fears, instead of focusing on our weakness and fall .
  2. “Stand firm” (be confident). Moving on means we look forward. But it is important to take a look in our past and see how much great things (or blessings) God had done for us in our past lives. How do we see ourselves? We will never win anything if we choose to be beaten up by the bad things happen in our lives.
  3. “You will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today”. God wants us to receive what’s best for our lives. If we don’t get what we ask for, we tend to be disappointed because we think God misses the point. In dart games, if we hit the point outside the bullseye, it doesn’t mean it’s nothing. It means God wants to settle on the “side things” that haven’t been settled before we receive the blessings we are asking.
  4. “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still”. God fight the battle for you when you be still. It will be so much difficult for us to listen to His voice when we are too busy to listen to our own voices.

“I am working on something in your life. Would you trust Me?”.

Session 2 by Englyn Mutty : CHANGE THE WAY YOU FIGHT

When we receive bad news, we tend to fall. Feeling devastated. Losing hope. Asking questions. But God is up to something because He actually is working behind the screen. Every each of us will go through the same season in life where we have done everything in, but things have not changed.

We often have the tendency not to be aware that something is actually change. Our attitudes, our responses, our characters, that have been shaped after all this time. We just need to see it from God’s perspective instead of our limited views.

Because God is God who cares for the process instead of the final result (answered prayers).

God is more interested for us to walking the process. Don’t run from it.

Walk like we have already received the blessing, it will change the way we walk, the way we fight. We will be confident. We will be patience waiting God to fulfill His promises.

Because patience brings hope.

Session 3 by Dawnchere Wilkerson : YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND 

When you are in a difficult situation, you need a friend. When you are feeling lonely, you need a friend.

Know that God never leaves us. He is our best of the very best Friend.

Loneliness is a battle inside of each of us. We might be surrounded by a lot of people, among thousands, but we will still be lonely. Because loneliness is the enemies’ lie. They try to trick us that God has left us, abandoned us, forgotten us. Enter His presence, and feel His presence. We will never feel lonely anymore.

God loves us that much so He wants us to receive what’s best for us, what we NEED and not what we want.


 

Wait on Him, because He has not done just yet. You will never lose hope in God.

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EN · Journey of Love · Literature

The vulnerable phase

For the things yet unseen, for the things yet i’ve known, the sun does not shine at his brightest joy, nor the moon lights her beam when darkness filled the night. I wonder if the stars get lonely, even for some of the moments, or even for most of the times. 

Why does the ocean trembling when the wind is trying to blend with its peace? Aren’t they meant for each other? What is the ocean without the wind that blows softly on its surface. Which brings her to her destination, to a purpose. The beauty of life. Or maybe both represent mine. The heart. That longs for the most beautiful thing that could’ve ever happened to her, but doesn’t not belong together. 

The longing is a part of the childhood dreams.. 

That once lost and died for so many years until i can’t even count it anymore.. 

But do dreams truly come true? When the evening knocks and you are out of your conscience, what is truly happening out there? What resides inside of here? Silence has become my friend. Only in it i can hear the loudest voice. It is the voice of everything that brings joy, as well as sorrows. Fighting to each other, to the trophy that placed in the middle of the sacred room. 

Who’s gonna finally win?

Broken wishes. Lost hopes. Flooded by the imagination that was not supposed to be built in the first place. That is the thing. That i live in between my own world and your world, our world. The same world we are living in, you and i. But there is the world that is hidden someplace safe, the one that i only show and bring to selective ones. 

And if you are gonna be one of them, i’ll show you my world. It is beautiful on its own, if you could see it the way i do. 

But the path has ended even before anything started. I no longer have to wait for something to happen right away. I no longer gonna have to wait on you. Maybe the gate is still a long way to reach. But would i even reach it? I’ve got no chance to show you my world, and all that is live in it, and all that has beauty in it, and all that is wonderfully made by joy as well as sorrow that somehow peacefully work together to make strong foundation. 

Can i rest (for a moment)? Or should it’s given up to the grave? But i (think) (i) don’t want to start again anytime soon.. 

Even the grave itself means a new beginning at somewhere we cannot touch, somewhere we, the livings, cannot talk with. 

“The end of something is the beginning of something else.”

But why the end must have been you? And why the beginning must have not been you? 

Shaken up. Heavy lifting. Confused. Lost in the middle of the forest that no one told me before that it’s gonna be just me. Just another phase that i am very aware of, a circle of the vulnerable part of me. 

I promised her before to be by her side. And i will. 

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

(another) farewell..

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“I remember that day, when I was holding on to a piece of paper, trying to read the lines of notes our vocal coach taught us. Yes. I am a kind of person who loves to sing. Well, my voice is just as an average people who can sing. At least I can hit the pitch. But I love to sing. I sing when I am sad. I sing when I am happy. I sing when I am angry. I sing when I am disappointed. I sing when I am afraid. I sing when I am brave. I sing when I am confuse. I sing when I am in joyful situations as well as sorrowful. I guess music lives in me as a significant part of me.”

“It was a great night. I was meant to walk the pedestrian on. As I entered the practice room, I sat on the corner of the outer side of the aisle, followed the instruction one by one. I was physically there, but actually I was never there. I traveled to my mind palace, think hardly on the trouble I was facing. Tried to find a way how should I settle on that. I was so busy focusing on my thoughts, rather than focusing on what was in front of me: my vocal coach that passionately guided us from notes to notes, bars to bars.”

“Somehow I felt that feeling again: loneliness. Because I did not know to whom should I share the thoughts, discuss.”

“You see, the thing about my loneliness is not about being around by my own, but by not having someone I could trust enough to share about life matters.”

“Minutes before the practice ended, I checked on the phone that was placed on the side of my right thighs. Yeah. I pinned it in the room between the black chair and my right thigh. It had message coming. From a good friend of mine. Asking me whether I want to be introduced to one of his friend. I stared at my phone, did not know what to answer. I put aside my trouble, and went deeper into my mind palace, and drowned to the core of it, and found “the other me”, approached her and asked her whether she is willing to be open for a possibility to fall for love one more time, and taking another risk of getting hurt.”

“Because love will only open your vulnerability, and you have to be ready to take the risk of getting hurt.”

“But I guess there is nothing wrong to try one more time, because love is too precious to be given up to pain. Or fears. So ten minutes later I replied him: “I am open”. I did not have the intention to know who he is, until I meet him, letting it be a mystery until it is time to meet him in person. I reminded him of my first fundamental requirement, and asked him whether the guy he was going to introduce meets that specific requirement. Then he told me who he was.”

“I was surprised that it was you. Never crossed my mind it was gonna be you.”

“I was overwhelmed with confusion, curiosity, and flattered, until the trouble I was so intense to think about, gone. I went home by taking another walk, to gather all the puzzles into one big picture.”

“”Why? Why me?”, that was the only question I could raise under the shade of moon, accompanied by the breath of the evening breeze. Not long after that, my friend continued his text, telling me that the intention of this meeting is gonna  be the journey I am waiting for a long time – or so I thought.”

“There was a slight of thought that filling up the hope that once died. And maybe, just maybe, it could be you. Or at least, the “possibility door” that had been closed will then open for someone like you.”

“For the very first time in my life, I did not expect anything from you, but to meet you, to see you, and to know you, in person.”

“We did not meet until nine days later. Over a light brunch, because you said that brunch would seems to be more casual. Those nine days gave me sufficient time and room to process everything, exploring all the questions that filled my hours. Maybe I was impatient to see you. Not because who you are, but because I was wondering what would you be like as in an individual. Again. It was the curiosity that fed my days. But among those waiting moments to see you, those “felt-so-long” nine days, I could not stop thinking about myself. I often feeling self-doubt, because in times of troubles I do not believe in my own worth. Maybe it was because of my traumatic past experience which still holding me back, and I am still a working in progress to win from that. But your willingness had boosted up my confidence, and changed my perspective. Even though people see me as a confident individual, but have them ever seen deeper than what it’s look? There was something you see in me, and I believe that you are a kind of person that would be selectively choose a kind of people you would like to meet. And if I am one of them, I am so honored to see you.”

“This time, I just want to be my own self, the true me. And even my friend told me to be myself, see him as a good friend of his without focusing on the intention of the meeting was to giving love a chance.”

“The day of the meeting had finally arrived. I reached just on time at the cafe where I used to hang out with my former workmates over a dinner. Met my good friend who had arrived early, sipping a cup of cappuccino, sitting in the middle of the cafe. I chose to sat in front of him, and put my bag on the chair next to me, so you would not have to sit next to me. We talked just a little bit enough, before you arrived. You came from behind me, apologized for your 30 minutes late because of the jam around the area. I spontaneously stood up to welcome you and I mentioned my name to introduce myself while shook your hand. Well, you did not need to mention your name because everybody has already known who you are. I know who you are. All you said that moment just an apologize line.”

“You wore black that morning, at 10.30AM meeting. You know, I always love a guy who wears black. It represents mystery, something that is too hard to crack. I guess I am a type of person that love hard things because they challenge me. You then explained on your late coming. But actually, you did not have to explain anything. You had told us through a good friend of mine, that you were gonna be late. And that’s everything, more than enough. But still, you tried to explain. I respect your thoughtfulness.”

“Then you raised the menu book, to choose what you were going to order. You asked me whether I had already knew what I was going to order. See, the thing about me, I always know what I want before I go to a place. Maybe because I am too classic, all the things I choose will represent how simple I am when it comes to options I had already sorted.”

“A juice, an omelette with a set of toast that later on you did not touch, and a mineral water, that was what you ordered. A latte and an egg benedict, that was I ordered. And still, a cappuccino (and a mineral water in the following) without a set of a breakfast plate my good friend ordered. He, my good friend chose to enjoy a meal from a fast-food restaurant he planned to go during lunch hour. But I was wondering why you did not order any caffeine drinks while both of us were. Are you avoiding caffeine? But I chose to stay silent, although until today, 33 days later, still lingering on the same question.”

“We talked, and talked, and talked. Getting to know each other from the surface. I can see you looked so refreshed that morning. You left all the burdens you carry each day, especially during the weekends’ duty, and chose not to bring it into the meeting. I could see you enjoyed our moments, our conversations. You were cheerful. Your body language showed your excitement. Your eyes were beaming like the night stars. Your voice sounded light. Your moving hands when you tried to explain something looked so firm. You tried to find out who I am while I was still holding myself back because I wanted to see your intention at this very first meeting. And you appreciated our meetings by putting away your phone, the screen facing down the table. And that was I am impressed about you in our first meeting – a quality time – you were really there. Real. Presence. And when there was a message coming after you receive a call, you did not even look it and chose to turn off the screen.”

“I am grateful to be able to see this part of you that many people might would not see it as a part of you.”

“And I never knew before that we have several similarity in our complexity. Looking at things not from its surface, but deeper – there’s a meaning behind what you do what you do or why you enjoy what you enjoy.”

“Three hours meeting, then you had to cut because you had to go on a duty. Three hours meeting, I could not stop thinking how it could felt so fast. Three hours meeting, that led my heart to the decision to consider you as a possibility. Were you enjoying our brunch meeting? Because I was..”

“We parted as the rain was suddenly fall and the sun still shined. Weird weather. And I wondered, will there be another time? Will the possibility becomes true? It was never about liking you, but it was about how comfortable I am to talk with you, someone I can bring in into deep discussions. Someone that is strong enough to understand that uniqueness is not something to be afraid of, but to be cherished. A leader of your own world, so you will be able to lead others’. Someone that is have the capability to know a lot of things about what’s happening around us. Someone that is not going to stay for just an order, but have the courage to challenge anybody why you should do the things you have been told. Brave. And strong. Too good to be true. It was just enough to know who you are on the surface. Then, you waved a goodbye with my good friend, leaving me with a big question ..”

“Will you be opening your own access?”

“Because the truth is I had no idea how this works. I had no idea how things works with an arranged meeting like this. My first.”

“I moved to a continue my writing project at a coffee shop around the area, while slowly compiling all the missing pieces. Gathering all the data I had been collecting after that three hours meeting. Few hours later my good friend called me. He asked me my impression towards you. I did not want to talk with him over a phone call, so I invited him to join me. He came and sat in front of me. “Anything?”, he asked. I did not know where and how to start, but I was able to find the right set of lines. “I don’t know about him, I can’t tell you anything about my feelings, because it is not about feelings, but he is interesting and I am positive”, as I replied his, my good friend’s question.” 

“I tried to guard my heart.”

“You are interesting, and I want to get to know you further.”

“I think three hours meeting would be enough to make this decision – to continue or to end it here.”

“”Good. Because he wants another meeting with you”, he tolled my feedback. But I was wondered why the closeness? I was wondering why don’t you open for a direct communication with me? Were you being too protective to your own? Were you thinking that I am like the other women who would consider this as something more than just a friendship trying to get to know to each other? Were you so afraid that you might hurt me? But I have a tolerance that is as deep as the ocean, as high as the sky, and as wide as the space, so I followed your process.”

“Because I wanted to learn to believe in you.”

“It looked easy at the beginning. But then, it turned to be so difficult..”

“As I went back home after the sun was set, sent by my good friend, I explored myself. I felt a little bit of joy that I could not truly explain. Perhaps it was because finally that set of list was not empty, realizing that there is someone in this world that is so close to the one I am looking for. Or perhaps it was about the excitement of waiting on something. The excitement of waiting to the moment to see you and see how it might move forward. The excitement of  getting the possibility to know you deeper.”

“But even if it does not go anywhere, at least I have to know that we both have tried. We both.”

“The day just went by, the next day came. As I reached the Church, I saw you from afar, talking with few people. Focused. I chose not to greet you to give you some space. I think it would not be wise, because I wanted to show you that I was not in a rush to get to know you. I sat on the service with some of my fellas, including my good friend. Then he said to me that you wanted to see me. On your tight schedule that afternoon. I was surprised that you were willing to squeeze your schedule to see me, even for five minutes. I respect what you did for me. 

“Five minutes. The most precious five minutes I had ever with you, nothing compares to three hours. Because you sacrificed your five minutes time to see me.”

“Some of my fellas followed us, me and my good friend, to see you. He introduced them to you. Of course we did not need anymore. I was wondering, will they, my friends, questioned why we did not shake a single hand that afternoon among the crowds? Ah.. Maybe they would not. They would not notice that. That we actually had met the day before, spent three hours over casual conversations.”

“It’s funny when this arranged introduction was intended to stay hidden”. 

“I entered a silent room for the next nine days. Hanging around between the doubt. Are you the type of person that will fulfill what you had mentioned? My good friend’s statement, that you want to see me one more time, will it be true? I knew I have trust issue. Or maybe because I have not fully recovered. I swallowed my own doubt without discussing with anyone because of the promise I had kept to keep this among us, the three of us. 

“Hey, wait. Did I expecting you that much? Well maybe I did. Or maybe I did not. Maybe it was just the curiosity that fed my wild thoughts. I had been patience for nine days, while patience is the most thing I am lacked of. Maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson here. To wait. On you.”

“Because I wanted to learn to believe in you.”

“After the nine days of waiting, then my good friend texted me and asked my availability schedule for the next eight days. To see you over a dinner. A more intimate moment to get to know each other. Even though it was gonna be the three of us again. I had an agenda, but it was not important. I shifted my initial plan, and put your name in my agenda. To give you a chance and see whether there will be future possibility to move forward.”

“The waiting had never been easy. But while I knew that I am very lacking in waiting, I chose to dwell in the moments of it. To train myself. “

“Because at the end of the waiting, all I’m gonna see is you.”

“What could be more exciting than that? The waiting was tough. Questioning on the purpose of you closing all access of direct communication. But I tried to understand you, and I tried to accept that.”

“Because I wanted to learn to believe in you.”

“Believing in you that you have your own reasons to keep your distance. I have none to discuss about my anxiety. Nor telling my own good friend that introduced me to you. So I prayed every night to God to give me strength to fight all the wild thoughts which filled my good night sleeps. I had trouble sleeping because most of the times I am a kind of person who needs clarification. It was not about insecurity, but because I was so confused. All the whys. So yeah.. I had my ups and down moments during those 17 days of waiting to see you again. But I was willing to go through it, as a sign that I am willing to learn to be more patient.”

“Isn’t it the basic purpose of being in relationship, a place to learn, because you can only develop a character only when you are with someone.”

“I always reminded myself that what I am going to show you is the true form of mine, the original part of me. In the morning of the day I was going to see you, I did not choose what will I wear. I just feel that I was in the mood of wearing a black turtle neck sweater, a jeans, and a brown semi-boots that day. Went through the working hours as normal, but still, my head cannot get off from the thoughts of how will the dinner turn to be.”

“I left the office early as I planned to shop for some groceries. Walked around the mall to kill the time, but I honestly lost an idea how should I spend my hours to wait on you and my good friend to arrive. I thought it would be nice if I already knew the restaurant we were going to have dinner with so I could wait for you there. After an hour of being idle, my good friend called me, and asked where I was. You came with my good friend. Finally it was decided what we were going to have for dinner.”

“Sat at the corner of the restaurant, I chose to rest myself on the sofa as you asked me where did I want to sit. You invited me. I did not know afterwards that you would feel uncomfortable.”

“Ordered the meals, and we began to talk. You started the conversation by asking me where was I from. Office, of course. But somehow you lost the fire I saw in you when we were on a brunch meeting. Maybe it was the night that unraveled your exhaustion. Maybe it was the day that made you hard. Maybe it was the energy that drained to the empty tank. So I asked how was your day at work. I was right when you said that you just went a tough meeting at work. I could see it from your eyes. I saw the dim of light inside your eyes. Your sights were not sparkling as they were before. It’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself.”

“We just need to survive the night.”

“You lost excitement, but I, a kind of person who is very reserved, tried so hard to bring out conversations after conversations so you would not need to fill in too hard. I tried to enlighten your burdens by find out your interests and discuss them. I released all my energies so maybe, just maybe, you would a little bit cheered up. I did not what else to do because I understand that we haven’t been in the stage where you could share things with me, and I am to you. All I can do is just made your day. And I hoped that it might.”

“At least I had tried to ease up your burden. I had tried ..”

“Or was it you losing your interest to meet me?”

“If it was, tell me, tell me and I will back away from your life.”

“The dinner went by for another three hours, until the waitress had to cut us to inform us that they were entering a “last order” moment. You decided to get a bill and close the meeting because the night had gone late, and we all still got to work on the next day.”

“Let’s take a rest.. I think you really need that..”

“The three of us walked downstairs on an escalator, side by side for the next five floors down. I continuously threw myself questions every time the three of us step at each moving escalators: “What’s next? Will there be a next time? Or will this be the end of our meetings?”.

“Will we part as our journey would end here?”

“Or would this goes somewhere?”

“We parted at the ground level. Another waving hand and “I’ll see you” line you threw under the bright light of the shopping mall we visited. You were not being open. Again. I guess it meant something.”

“I knew I had to take a walk. To think everything through. I decided to take a bus to get home so I could have all the moments with myself.”

“I knew that I was going to cry. And I knew that I had to deal with myself. Giving myself a time to feel and think everything.”

“So I firmly told my good friend that I think it’s about time to be open to myself if you truly willing to get to know me deeper, further. Because relationship is intended to be you and me, both of us, involving two people in the same “battle” room.”

“It was never about what I felt about you. But maybe, just maybe, that night, I could finally see the other side of you that interest me. The moments went by me asking a lot of questions to know, and understand you deeper. Even though you did not show any eagerness to balance my position, I tried to understand that maybe that night was not your night. You were there, but I can see you were not really there. Distracted. Vulnerable. I got the chance to see another (fragile) part of you.”

“I am a kind of individual who easily fall into small little things that perhaps other people would not see that as something that is to precious to be embraced. But unfortunately, I care.”

“I knew the cry that night was meant for something. Because then you left me for another 13 days in silence, hanging around on the field of uncertainty between “yes” and “maybe”, until finally I heard your decision ..”

“.. to step away from the path and put it into an end. I would not see you again..”

“Even if it is a “no”, tell me, tell me from the beginning, and I will back away from your life.”

“Your waving hand that night was a sign that your heart is going to depart. Your faded cheerful face that night was a sign that I would not see your smile anymore. Your long breath during the pause when we talk was a sign that I would not be hearing your deep voice anytime soon. Your silence was a sign that I would not be getting any questions regarding I-want-to-get-to-know-you again. And your existence would blend with the wind that blows over my skin. You will be another story passed that I could not tell the world because everything we had been through would stay buried.”

“I thought, I finally found someone I am longing to have.”

“But I promised God that this is not about me. But it is about you. I did not pray to give me what is best for myself. But I prayed for God to provide the best for you. Maybe that is the most precious thing I learned by knowing you for such a short time. To think of other’s rather than being self-centered, and made me realize that I am able to love a person this much.”

“Farewell, boy.. And maybe, just maybe, we will see each other if the universe conspired for us to bump into each other someplace.”

“But even if it is not, I am grateful to be chosen as someone you were selectively willing to meet (and get to know from the surface).”

“And thank you, for letting me understand (not only knowing) a little bit of you :)”

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

The weeping candle

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She lighted a candle that night, as a part that she was grieving. A night where she had her heart shattered into pieces. One more time. For the love that just passed. For the hope that once rose. For the dream that will be fulfilled (or at least she thought it was). For the longing howl that will continue to resound. Grief. And sorrow. She just wanted to be alone in the dark.

Every time she weeps, she always light a candle to accompany her to sleep.

Because the truth is, she is afraid to be alone. And she hopes that the light from the candle she lit would be the best silence companionship.

No wonder that since she suffered from a severe brokenhearted four years ago, she never stop listening to a music containing the lyrics of her heart. As she always does every single night since then.

If other people would choose to spend their sorrowful time with their beloved ones, she chooses to be among silence, withdrawing from the outer world to find her inner peace. Processing everything. Understanding everything. Accept anything. Gather all the broken pieces and slowly put everything together on the place where it should be.

Give her some time, and space, when she needs to be by herself. And when she gets back, welcome her with the warmth she needs. With lots of hugs and kisses.

The truth is that she actually never leaves even she seems far away when she is grieving.

Just give her some time to recover.

As she took off from the office she is working, she still wet with the falling tears. I think the Angels above knew how much she was overwhelmed with mixed feelings: sadness, hopeless, disappointments, brokenness. The rain suddenly fell down so hard, until she decided not to run through it or she would end up home getting soaked …

… while she desperately need to take the walk.

That Walk …

The Angels were crying with her that afternoon..

Just a little while, when the raindrops were falling touching the ground, given a little impression of a mild feeling, so the wind may blow softly and whisper her: “We are with you”.

We. The nature, and everything in it, is with you, girl..

The afternoon walk she took, was the shortest journey. The groceries she did, was the fastest one. She almost took a wrong turn when she walked towards the aisle of her home street. She almost hurt her fingers when she held the groceries bags. Her eyes were covered with a blur sight behind her glasses – the one she always wears every time she is crying so nobody would not see her swollen eyes.

Because her mind was filled by so many thoughts about him that she cannot control, she was not even realize that she was actually walking and holding something. Literally.

“You won’t be someone who would fill my waiting hours anymore”. She realized that she loves waiting for him, waiting the day she’s finally gonna see him.

It is the letting go moment that she needs to go through, the one that she hated so much, because she thought the love she is going to welcome, left before everything even starts.

It is the pain, and fear, and disappointment that revisited her again before everything she experienced a few months ago had completely healed from her heart.

It is the person she thought she finally has found, but God had turned her to another path.

She knew herself is too much to handle. She knew that he would be the one strong enough to handle her. The depth. The complexity. The wild thoughts.

The one who would embrace them, her uniqueness..

She doubt herself if she would find someone who is strong enough to balance her. That is how she would tell the world that she needs someone who has that kind of strength of characters, but not limited to be gentle enough to understand her emotions, her feelings.

But who is she to question God?

Maybe she just need time.. A time to accept that this world is so unfair, the decision to love or not to love is too unfair for her if it should end before anyone even trying in the first place. A time to process her emotions and rearrange them into the bookshelf that have been fall several times, but somehow manage to stand firm again.

And when everything has been clearer, then she can decide how is she gonna deal with love, the only beautiful thing that could happen in her life.

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Faded

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She still remembers the night when her girl-friend told her about him. She was out with one of her inner circle. There was two other girl-friends and one boy-friend sitting in front of her over a dinner. She listened carefully of her girl-friend passionate story of him, the guy who was never become her consideration. Until a month ago. Yes. Exactly a month ago when she met him for the first time and got to know a little bit of him, but understand a little bit more of him over time.

One month is enough time for her to understand a little bit about him, on the surface.

Understand. Not only knowing.

When she listened to her girl-friend story of how her girl-friend and he met among bunch of friends inside of a room where all people in duty would gather, how their sets of eyes met each other, how they looked at each other, she was thinking that maybe this girl falls in love with him. Crazy in love with him.

“I would trade my life to be his”, said she, her girl-friend.

She looked at her girl-friend blankly, knowing that she did not know anything about him. She was very aware of his existence, but she did not know about him at all.

But now she knows..

“Is he that charming?”, asked her to her girl-friend, realizing that she was never met him. At all. Or even hearing him speak as many ladies had heard him speak.

“What kind of girl are you dare to not know him?”, asked her girl-friend. She raised her shoulders and smiled.

A kind of girl who forgot how to love.

But that was a year ago, when she decided to give up on love, when she thought that love is just too tough for her to handle, when she thought that love is too painful to be felt, when she thought that she would never find love anymore.

And then not long before the year end, she met love, an impossible one, and learned to love again, wholeheartedly without the desire to hold the person she loved – all she did is to love him without any expectation to be loved back.

Her eyes were opened, and she decided to love again.

Because love is just too precious to be given up to pain.

Every single night she prayed to God to give her the kind of person that is worth of loving. She doesn’t mind if the guy would be too much to handle, but she knows her strengths, that she would be standing by his side no matter how tough hardships would cross the journey.

She has a heart of a warrior, who would go on a battle until the last drop of blood coming out from her body. But how if it is the heart that is going to be sacrificed to go on a battle? How if it is too painful to step?

How if it is too painful to wait?

Then she recalled her journey when she was in a relationship that was not going anywhere that broke her heart so badly a few months ago. She recalled the moments when she was left in silence, wondering whether things would keep going as she wished to be, or end in drama. But he, the one she once loved, left her with the broken pieces of her heart.

It was too much pain.

As she revisited the memories, she could not stop crying. There has been to many tears have fallen for some guys. Is it natural? Or is it just her? Everything seems to be so blurry on her eyes right now.

Or maybe it is the tears that covered her sight.

“There are times that the only thing we can do is nothing” – Soegija.

Waiting. In silence.

But if nothing today means something in the future, she is willing to go through it.

As the day goes by, and her lips are sealed because she feels that she is at her lowest for the past couple days, she begins to wonder, will she meets him as her girl-friend regularly met him inside of that particular room, which gather everyone from various backgrounds to chat. But she hates finding herself to go on every single events with her thoughts wondering whether she would bump into him or would the only thing she feels is his breath trails.

It is her first day out with coffee and tea restrictions because she suffers from a specific illness, she feels like something significant is missing from her life. Maybe it is hope that is missing from her life. Or maybe it is her dream that slowly fade. Or maybe it is she that is trying so hard to kill her imaginative world that keeps her alive. Something, or someone, that could break the routines she is so bored to be in it.

And maybe, the thing about longing for something that falls on her grip is because she longs to lean her heart on the person that is meant to have her heart – when “finally I’ve found someone” becomes final, but the beginning of another chapter of her life.

EN · Journey of Love · Literature

Timing

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She walked through the night with her small steps. Followed by mixed feelings after she met with her good friend, the one who introduced him to her. They had a short talk that night. And she requested him, her good friend, of something about him, the guy who has occupied her mind for the past few weeks.

For days she was confused by what she should be done to him. But she understood that there was nothing to be done on her side. Troubled by uncertainty she is facing, day after day, she can only befriend with her silence. She does not have anyone to talk to.

There were moments when she was at her lowest, she gave up her energies to her emotions. But there were other moments when the stronger her stands up for her, she went through the day by carrying back home her smile in her navy colored jacket pocket.

The only thing she knew that she just needs to survive for a day. And if tomorrow the sun is hiding behind the white clouds, she only need to survive for another day, and then another day, and then one more day, one more again, until God have mercy on her to reveal the mystery of his heart.

Maybe that very first morning, the reason why he wore black when she met him for the first time, was a sign that he will be a mystery for her. Or for anyone that know him well. Someone that is too far to reach, or too difficult to deal with.

Is he?

That is why she will always falls in love with black, because she is the kind of person who falls in love with complexity.

There is no such thing being too difficult if it’s come to love, because love is worth fighting for.

She held tight several options on her right hand. Looking at them while burst in tears. Because she was too scared to choose, whether anything she would choose will be the best one for her life. She was too scared to choose, because she does not want to make a wrong decision and having another detour in her life. She hates when it comes to choose.

But she’s gonna have to choose.

Her day was filled with her closing both eyes and drowned into her dream world. Bringing those options while asking around the neighborhood: “If you were me, which you would choose?”. Illness always pushed her to her limit. Exhausted. Drained. Sorrows had visited her heart.

Every time she opened her eyes, she covered both of her eyes with her arms before she lifts her body to wake up.

The tears just never stop on her.

It was after the sun was set, she stepped her first out for a regular Thursday meeting with some of her fellas, while still influenced by some medications of her illness she took for the rest of the day.

“Why it felt so heavy?”, she asked to herself wondering why everything she saw seems so floated. Dizziness because of her illness? Or energy drained because she was covered by her sorrows?

She had decided which decision she is going to live.

But still doubting herself whether it was the wisest one – she was no longer seek for the wrong and right.

The night went well and she was finally cheered up by her companions. Hugs, and kisses, and cares, came to her relentlessly than usual from her surroundings. She knew it was God who made them to. And ready to convince herself to take that decision, take any risks because all she wants is just a long-life happiness to live with someone she is going to choose to be with.

And if he is going to be the one, she wishes nothing other than his long-life happiness as well.

“I”m going to wait for him”, she said that to him, her good friend, under the dim of street lamps. It was a little bit dark, but she can still see him clearly driving on her right side, looking at her with a grin on his face. “But open for another opportunity that might cross the road“, she continued.

He, her good friend, smiled as she alights from his car. The kind of smile that you would see on a person that is proud enough to know you.

She once wrote something that she knew she needs to live those words: “If something is for you, no matter how hard the path might be, there will always be an easy way to reach it”.

If you are for me, and if I am for you, there will be nothing in this world would interfere our path to cross together.

Because your timing is not my timing, and my timing is not your timing, and God’s timing is not our timing. If it is only a matter of time, all I can do for you is to give you all the space and time you need to figure out everything.

All I can do is to be patiently wait.

Blessings in Disguise · EN · Irin Active Journey · Life Lesson

Ironman 70.3 Bintan Journey

Long distance sports have taught me more into characters development rather than gaining physical strength. For me, becoming strong is just a reward. The real journey is when you becoming someone better from the inside. That is the most valuable lesson I will always picked.

Every time I finish a long distance race, I always come back home learning a precious life-lesson.

Most people would’ve imagined what it takes for someone (or me) to reach certain level of strength. Or endurance. They would think it takes waking up early when the sun has not shined, or spare at least an hour of your schedule each day just to train, or going extra miles – keep improving your distance over time – which will be resulting gaining your endurance level.

But for me, I see it from different perspective and found much deeper meanings by being a long distance athlete.

I am becoming the better me because I have the best moments with myself during those long hours of exercise.

I just completed my second 70.3 Triathlon Race in Bintan last Sunday. My first at four months ago was not an official Ironman race, but they had a Half Ironman distance. And my second was an official Ironman race from The State. I improved my timing from 8:20 hours to 7:50-ish hours, with less training because of some incidents happened during my peak training weeks. I don’t say that you will do just good with less training. Of course proper training and preparations have high contribution on the performance. But I realized that my own mental readiness has higher contribution on the performance.

It is what keep me going..

THE SWIM LEG

Swimming open water has many challenges. And risks as well (for sure). Learn to do sighting while you also need to keep your body straight to maintain the buoyancy so the swimming won’t feel too draggy, is one of many challenges we all are facing during the Triathlon race. Otherwise, you will swim out of the race course lane which will contributes to the longer timing and a risk of not being able to continue to the next leg.

Bintan’s ocean is one of the most beautiful sea I’ve ever swam. The wave is calm, the water is warm (about 29 degrees Celsius), the bottom is quite clear so I can see line of reefs, and some small fishes swam next to me.

I was never feel alone 🙂

I knew I belong to the ocean, I did not need to take a while to blend with it. But not for some other participants. I can sensed their worries when it comes to swimming open water. And it is okay, it is okay to be scared of the water, of the ocean, of what it may happen.

The deeper the ocean, the cooler the temperature, the more we are formed to be stronger to conquer the roaring waves.

There were thousands participants were swimming on the same lane, even though we were divided by several waves, released every five minutes. But still, people were competing, and less likely we could find someone who can swim on the same pace as everybody else. They started kicking without caring whom would they hit around when people were trying to catch up with the front-liners.

But I cared.

At some point, I decided to look around, tried to find an empty spot where I could swim without hurting anybody. I might swam a little bit further because I was swimming almost at the outer lane line. But then again, I am here no to seek achievement, I am here to finish what I have started.

At that point, I learned to be less egocentric, thinking about other people than myself.

Maybe people were there to compete. But I realized I was there to find myself. They are not me, and I am not them.

I found my peace at the open water.

THE BIKE LEG

It was tough. The 90 kilometers distance was the toughest. And cycling has always been my weakest point. I heard that the bike course in Bintan is hilly. I never imagined how hilly Bintan was until I was sitting on the top of Aaron, conquering hills after hills.

It felt so long, it felt so far. “When will these hills end?”, as I looked down to see the road. I chose not to see how much further the hills I was facing.

At that point, I learned patience.

Because in the end, the hill itself has its limit, and we will reach at the peak of it eventually, within moments.

“Easy, Irene, easy. Go easy on yourself. Don’t push too hard. It’s a long journey, and you still have one more leg to finish”, I said that to myself every time I went into a hill that is too hard to climb.

“Don’t get off from Aaron. Just keep pedaling with your own pace. The hill(s) shall pass”, I said that to myself every time I saw a hill that is too far to pass.

At that point, I learned persistence.

Then I remember that most of the times I am being too hard on myself. I am an idealist. And a perfectionist. I would stress myself if things go sideways. I realize that I am being too hard on myself if I do that. In an ideal world of mine, everything does not come together with the things that we all are going through in the real world.

But I learned that each individuals are formed differently, and timing does not come the same between one and the others. It’s okay to take some time and go on with your own pace, my own pace ..

.. as long as you don’t stop.

I conquered hills after hills, without getting off from Aaron, survived the climb with extreme heat for about four hours.

THE RUN LEG

It was 11.30 AM when I started running, and it was extremely hot. I was too lazy to run. Both my legs were too heavy to run for another 21 kilometers, it was a long distance at this hour. Even it felt so long to run for just one kilometer.

The run was the longest journey.

But I kept running, slowly, with a small steps, and passed few people who started to walk in limps. When I was about to chose to walk along the run leg, I saw them and thought that I was not alone: everyone was in pain, everybody felt the same fatigue. So I kept my leaps small, and did not stop.

I learned that I am not alone in any kind of struggles ..

.. because everybody in this world are having the same struggles with their own capacities. The troubles I am facing right now, might seem easy or hard to someone else, and the troubles other people are facing right now, might seem easy or hard to me. I am not in the position to judge.

I learned to be more humble.

Because each of us are granted different kind of strength to face different kind of hardships and my existence around them are to be someone in times of need.

I was at my first out of second loop, when it felt so hot, and passed one of my friend that demotivated me with his negative words, telling me that I was suck. Tired, dehydrated, I realized my emotional state was at my lowest. I was hoping to hear some motivational cheers, but instead I got insulted. When I heard those words, I had the option to get angry or just let go and ignore what he had been thrown at me.

But I learned self-control, and chose to dwell in silence.

I cried for the next 3 kilometers and suddenly lost my energy to keep running under the sun. I was almost losing my confidence to finish the running part. “Am I that suck because I was way behind him?”, I was doubting myself.

But I learned to believe in myself, that no one has the right to define you but yourself.

I chose to cheer myself up by cheering other people, especially for those whom I know. Accompanied one of my injured friend for 3 kilometers when the rain came down heavily and chose to leave him because he asked so.

It felt great when you are there for someone in need.

I managed to finish all the legs with no injuries or pain.

SUMMARY

I caught a light flu and a cough, I had my second day of period during the race day, I was not at my best physical condition, but I was able to finish the race, when the day before I almost gave up to start the race because I thought I could not bear everything. And every time I was about to give up, every several kilometers, I always remind myself why I do what I do: to finish what I have committed to begin.

At that point, I learned to be a person of my own words.

“Why I should I torture myself in this long distance race?” Should I give up? Can I finish the course?, I asked myself those questions every time I was going to put it an end.

But I am not the kind of person who would like to give up easily.

The thing to be a long distance race finisher is because I want to bring home a story to be told: nothing is impossible if you believe in yourself.

The greatest battle is not out there, on the course, but it is within you: yourself.

I could not thank God enough for His guidance in every seconds I was at each of the legs’ course. I can feel Him right next to me, giving me the energies I needed to keep my going, while He gently said: “You are not done yet, My child, keep going”.

I am not done yet, because I have not seen the finish line. The race is like a life-journey, you don’t give up just yet when things seem to be overwhelmed to handle. It makes you stronger, makes me stronger, creating a better you and I over time.

I found more of me.

And you will find more of you somewhere along the journey, just like how I found mine 🙂

I went back to the villa where I stayed, took a quick shower and joined my friends who were still around the race village with a big smile. I might not be a winner in the stage, but I am a winner of my own demons: fear and worry.

And that’s all that matter .. That is all that matter 🙂

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PS:

Thanks for the togetherness, TriDear! It was an awesome journey with you guys!

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