General

Leap of faith

Guilt. Regret.

Semua dari masa lalu. Temanku yang bijak, beberapa tahun yang lalu mengungkapkan hal ini kepadaku: “kita semua adalah produk dari masa lalu. Tapi jangan membiarkan masa lalu tersebut menjadi kehidupan yang kita percayai saat kini” (he quoted it from one of Rick Warren’s book, I found out a few weeks later).

Tapi kita seringkali dihantui, dan yang kita rasakan saat ini hanyalah terlalu lelah. Seharusnya kita terus berjalan maju. Tapi kita malah membiarkan diri kita yang sedang duduk diam untuk beristirahat, dikuasai oleh banyak pikiran2 yang tidak tersaring masuk ke benak kita.

Job 7: 3-4 – demikianlah dibagikan kepadaku bulan-bulan yang sia-sia, dan ditentukan kepadaku malam-malam penuh kesusahan. Bila aku pergi tidur, maka pikirku: bilakah aku akan bangun? Tetapi malam merentang panjang, dan aku dicekam oleh gelisah sampai dinihari.

v11 – oleh sebab itu akupun tidak akan menahan mulutku, aku akan berbicara dalam kesesakan jiwaku, mengeluh dalam kepedihan hatiku.

Dalam kesendirianku, kesunyian malah hari, sebelum berdoa aku selalu mengeluarkan segala bebanku ke langit2 kamarku. Dan tentunya sebagian besar dari masa lalu hadir di antaranya. Dan tentunya, ada begitu banyak pertanyaan “mengapa begini” dan “mengapa begitu” popped out. Berusaha mencari jawaban, namun ….. mereka tidak pernah datang. Yang ada hanyalah aku berasumsi sendiri akan semua jawaban2 yang belum tentu benar. Bertanya kepada Tuhan, tapi seolah Tuhan diam saja.

Dan kemudian, iman ini seolah diuji.

Bahayanya sebuah asumsi adalah, bahwa kita kesulitan atau bahkan tidak lagi percaya akan hal baik di balik segala kejadian buruk yang menimpa manusia. “Oh, mungkin ini semua salahku” atau “oh, mungkin Tuhan sedang menghukum aku”, adalah kesimpulan2 yang keluar dari asumsi pikiran manusia. Which is, it might comes from the devil that deceive our minds. Amazingly, humans are tend to believe them, although you are a believers.

Job 7: 20-21 – kalau aku berbuat dosa, apakah yang telah kulakukan terhadap Engkau, ya Penjaga Manusia? Mengapa Engkay menjadikan aku sasaranMu, sehingga aku menjadi beban bagi diriku? Dan mengapa Engkau tidak mengampuni pelanggaranku, dan tidak menghapuskan kesalahanku? Karena sekarang aku terbaring dalam debu, lalu Engkau akan mencari aku, tetapi aku tidak akan ada lagi.

In despair, you start to blame yourself, because you actually cannot blame to others. Even if you did, but inside your heart, you actually blame yourself more than what you said about blaming at others. You drag the others. That is why wen you blame to others, you realize that it hurts you even more. You did this just because of one thing: you try to find the answer by yourself, by your own understanding.

Manusia berbuat salah di masa lalu, dan konsekuensi yang di tanggung ada di hari depan. Pada detik ini kita mencuri sesuatu dari sebuah toko, dan dalam hitungan menit ke depan, kita tertangkap basah oleh magnetic censored pada ambang pintu keluar. Dan kemudian kita digiring ke tempat dimana kita akan diadili. Menyesal dan malu, juga perasaan bersalah “seharusnya…”, kalau kita pada akhirnya tertangkap basah. Hanya saja masalahnya kita tidak pernah tahu apakah kita akan tertangkap basah atau berhasil keluar tanpa seorang pun tahu selain diri kita sendiri (dan Tuhan) yang tahu apa yang kita lakukan. Jika kita tertangkap basah, akan ada record yang jelas mengenai tindakan bersalah apa yang pernah kita lakukan di masa lalu, dan adanya potensi akan rusaknya hubungan kita dengan seseorang di masa depan. Jika kita tertangkap basah, seringkali kita jadi merasa lebih dihantui oleh masa lalu yang memalukan tersebut. Jika kita tertangkap basah, mimpi2 yang ada seharusnya sudah bisa kita nikmati dalam jangka waktu dekat, namun malah membuat kita harus menyetir berbalik arah dan kembali pada titik awal, dan membuat perjalanan pencapaian mimpi tersebut jadi semakin panjang dan lama. Konsekuensi. Everything comes with a price.

Job 42: 2 – aku tahu, bahwa Engkau sanggup melakukan segala sesuatu, dan tidak ada rencanaMu yang gagal.

“Kapan mujizat datang?”, adalah pertanyaan dasar ketika kita begitu mengharapkan sesuatu, namun tak kunjung datang, setelah sekian lama kita menanti. Maybe, what I asked is not something that are meant to be. God has a better plan, isn’t it? Or maybe, God has His own way to make something happen. And then, another questions popped out, “but why not?” or “why not now?”. Lalu Tuhan terdiam. Karena Tuhan hanya minta satu hal dari kita: percaya.

Whatever is the ending, is not about the end result, but it’s all about the process before we reach the final. Ketika kita kuliah selama 3-4 tahun, kita berharap untuk cepat2 lulus dan kerja. Tapi ketika kita tiba on the graduation day, kita melihat kebelakang, dan dengan percaya diri kita bisa berkata, “tanpa perjuangan melalui tangis dan tawa selama 3-4 tahun kebelakang kemarin, aku tidak akan tiba di hari ini, hari dimana aku memulai hidupku sebagai seorang individu baru, yang sudah terbentuk dan ready to enter the higher level”.

v5 – hanya dari kata orang saja aku mendengar tentang Engkau, tetapi sekarang mataku sendiri memandang Engkau.

Bersyukurlah, ketika kita diberikan kejadian yang sangat tidak mengenakan. Kita pasti selalu sulit untuk bersyukur. Kalau kamu menemukan kesulitan untuk bersyukur akan hari baru yang Tuhan berikan, mungkin karena ketika pagi hari hatimu serasa mau copot karena beban yang terlalu besar, maka bersyukurlah karena ketika masalah yang sangat berat menghampiri kita, sebenarnya adalah cara Tuhan untuk hadir tepat di depan kita, bertemu muka dengan muka. Dan kita sebagai manusia, sudah seharusnya takut.

Yang dilakukan Allah mungkin tidak kau pahami saat ini

Tetapi kamu akan mengerti alasannya suatu hari nanti

Pertanyaan yang mencemaskan pikiran dan menghantuimu

Kelak akan ada jawabannya dari surga – Anonymous

Advertisements
General

Learn to cope with God

We all must be experienced pain after pain, disappointments after disappointments, anger after anger. And we all must be experienced bitter past, and sometimes the past haunts us until present. We are living in the violent world. Sometimes, we as humans, are tend to give up. We often walk in the dark for too long, that we no longer could see the light. We become blind. There is a time when we cannot accept what we are facing, we look for someone to blame, so we don’t need to deal with so much burdens. But then, you never feel a relieve, other than tired. And you hurt people, because you are hurt.

And then, the fact of being alone for most time often exhausts you. You see what is in front of you, and nobody is there, while all you need is just someone’s presence, physically, to accompany you. Not imagination, nor someone in your dream. When you wake up, the first thing that comes is the memory of the past, though you don’t want it. Trying to get rid of them, but because you are alone, they come again and haunt you. What do you expect to just get out of the situation that depress your emotion at this time.

But I learn, the more you resist reality, the more you actually making wound of yourself.

And I also learn, that the power of mind is very helpful. And hence, being rational is the first choice.

In the Scriptures, God says: “for everything there is a season” (Ecc 3:1a). And followed by the next verses: “a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.” I often ask Him, “why so many tears?” or “when is this end?”. When we look at the worst circumstances that happen to us right in front of our eyes, we now may know that it is God who made it all happen. In accordance by the words above, for the good and the bad, everything is under His control.

If you ask “why?”, the answer is “He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecc 3:11a) so “people fear before Him” (Ecc 3:14c). In the verses written in paragraph above, we can see that God gives and takes the positive and negative circumstances. Not only the good thing in our lives, but He also control the bad thing.

Human can easily disappoint other people, and they often they do not feel that they are wrong or what they did is irrevocable. It all happened because human is basically an egoistic person. Eventually, we who have been hurt by other selfishness are should be the one that recuperate. We are responsible to ourselves.

But if we just focus on ourselves other than God, ultimately we can never realize that we are wasting our time and we are slowing down our steps to arrive at the fulfillment of God’s promise. He definitely wants us to be ready as soon as possible to finally can give the reward to us. But only once we are ready to receive it. If we understand that everything, literally EVERYTHING, is under His control, why are we wasting our time to drown into prolonged doubts.

Our duty is simply to believe in Him. If human want to be trusted, why He wouldn’t? His desire is for us to make Him as a priority in our lives.

Learn to cope with God. Because the answer of every circumstances in our lives lies within Him alone. And when we believe in Him, His real presence although He is not physically visible, the strength is a real thing because it’s coming from the inside, where He lives, your heart.

It’s not easy. I’m also insistently through tears and pain as night falls, when darkness take control of my sight. But God, like another common father, want us to grow even more, and be better prepared to receive His reward.

General

A Father

Sebuah awal mula selalu datang dengan indah..
Tapi belum tentu pada akhirnya berlabuh pada senyum kebahagiaan..
Setiap waktu aku berharap ada keajaiban yang bisa Tuhan bisa berikan..
Dan satu persatu pertanyaan muncul dalam benak..
Dan aku hanya bisa berkata, “Tuhan, peluklah semua tanyaku”..
“Jawablah dengan caraMu”..
Apa daya manusia tidak diberikanNya kuasa untuk mengatur kehidupan kita..

Indahnya masa lalu, tergores oleh ragu..
Kompleksitas hidup yang sering menyakiti hati kita..
Menghancurkan impian kita..
Dan membunuh harapan manusia..
Seringkali menguras hati..
Dan malah menyiksa diri..

Tapi tidak ada salahnya untuk menginginkan canda dan tawa di masa lalu, bukan?
Belum tentu berarti kita hidup di masa lalu..
Tapi hanya merindukan kehadiran manisnya masa lalu..

Broken dream, broken heart, broken hope..

Sang bijak berkata, “endure and be patient”
Tuhan menghancurkan mimpi seseorang, untuk digantikanNya dengan kerinduan dariNya..
Kerinduan pribadi Ayah yang memecut anakNya supaya dia bertumbuh menjadi lebih dewasa..
Karena seorang ayah selalu tahu yang terbaik untuk anaknya..

Dan aku tahu, Dia lah Ayah sejatiku..
Bukan hanya setia, tetapi juga Figur kekuatan..

General

Men versus women

John Gray:

” A week after our daughter Lauren was born, my wife Bonnie and I were completely exhausted. Each night Lauren kept waking us. Bonnie had been torn in the delivery and was taking painkillers. She could barely walk. After 5 days of staying home to help, I went back to work. She seemed to be getting better. While I was away, she ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling me at the office, she asked one of my brothers, who was visiting, to purchase more. My brother, however, did not return with the pills. Consequently, she spent the whole day in pain, taking care of a newborn.

I had no idea that her day had been so awful. When I returned home she was very upset. I misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she was blaming me. She said, “I’ve been in pain all day.. I ran out of pills. I’ve been stranded in bed and nobody cares!”. I said defensively, “why you didn’t call me?”. She said, “I asked your brother, but he forgot! I’ve been waiting for him to return all day. What am I supposed to do? I can barely walk. I feel so deserted!”.

At this point I exploded. My fuse was also very short that day. I was angry that she hadn’t called me. I was furious that she was blaming me when I didn’t even know she was in pain. After exchanging a few harsh words, I headed for the door. I was fired, irritable, and had heard enough. We had both reached our limits.

Then something started to happen that would change my life.

Bonnie said, “stop, please don’t leave. This is when I need you the most. I’m in pain. I haven’t slept in days. Please listen to me”. I stopped for a moment to listen. She said, “John Gray, you’re a fair-weather friend! As long as I’m sweet, loving Bonnie, you are here for me, but as soon as I’m not, you walk right out that door. Right now I’m in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the most. Please, come over here and hold me. You don’t have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don’t go”.

I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her. At that moment I started to realize the real meaning of love unconditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a fair-weather friend. As long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself.

That day, for the first time, I didn’t leave her. I stayed, and it felt great. I succeeded in giving to her when she really needed me. This felt like real love. Caring for another person. Trusting in our love. Being there at her hour of her need. I marveled at how easy it was for me to support her when I was shown the way. “

What is written above is an introduction fragment from one of John Gray’s best seller book: “men are from mars, women are from venus”. I haven’t read the book entirely, but from the first page that says exactly like the words above, I can surely say that it’s a very common problem occurs when women are demand their needs to be fulfilled. “What other thing I could do to make you satisfy?”, most men will get upset and get confused when they come into that argument.

We all know that men and women are different creatures with different needs. When it comes to a relationship, . I myself don’t believe that when a relationship failed, is due to incompatibility. “We are just too different, so we broke up”, is the common statement we always hear. From my opinion, everyone is just too different, because it involves two heads, two brains, two minds, two hearts, two backgrounds, two lives. The important thing to succeed is how far can we tolerate to each other. And most people are also giving too many reasons to defend themselves, thinking that their side (either as men or women) is the most correct side, considering that many people are subjective (egoism).

It is necessary to create an understanding of both differences that raises self-esteem and personal dignity, while inspiring mutual trust, personal responsibility, increased cooperation, and greater love. In a relationship between men and women, we mostly use heart to create a communication. Women are basically are sensitive, by looking how women always say, “do you understand how I feel?” compare to men, “do you understand what I’m trying to say?”. I remember my Indonesian friends said, “you need brain to be in a relationship, don’t involve too much feeling”. Yes, I agree with them. But you also need to balance them. This is what most people are missing. They fail to balance it. Women are using too much heart, and men are using too much brain. Opening the heart results in greater forgiveness and increased motivation to give and receive love and support.

“Love unconditional love” as mentioned above is making the REAL LOVE works, isn’t it..

I think, every relationship based on REAL LOVE is worth fighting for, when it still worthy to be fighting for. What kind of worth am I talking about? Love, supported by the commitment once built, of course. And from both sides must be equal. If the weights is not balance, it will be too heavy for the other side to stick up. It’s worthless.

I am basically a needy person. I demand a quality time, because it’s my love language. But I am not that selfish, I am able to sort out when to demand, and when to not demand. If my boyfriend gets busy, and we haven’t go out for quite a long time, so I demand him to have time later on when he is free. If I haven’t seen my boyfriend for quite some time, and we also haven’t got the matched schedule to meet each other, so I demand him to do the short video call with me. It’s not that I want that, but I need that, because it’s my love language (read “5 love languages” by Gary Chapman). Everyone’s need are needed to be fulfilled, especially when it comes to a relationship between 2 persons, there’s a “trade”, to give and to take. And I think, on behalf of the female side, my demand is very common just as like other women would demand them. It’s a natural thing when women demand something, as long as it’s still within the limit (by looking at the situation, such as if the boyfriend is really busy and really don’t have time, so don’t push him too hard and be patient waiting for him to have a free time to provide his time for the girlfriend instead of getting upset).

Women, who are highly emotional creatures, I can say, they, we often do something unnecessary and very stupid action, which is: pushing our men away. As stated above, when Bonnie got depressed, all she did is attack her husband with her resentment because of what she experienced for the whole day (and her whole process after delivering the newborn), and she tried to blame at the others. That’s what women do, isn’t it? Women get depressed, get angry for nothing or simple things, and then look for a fall person. It’s because they use their feelings, and don’t even think rationally when they are being emotional. But in the end, Bonnie who was very emotional at that moment, and also overwhelmed by her condition, finally expressed her intention to pushed her husband away was because she hoped that her husband could be getting closer and comfortably resting in the arms of her husband.

But as most general normal men will always react, get upset, go to the door, and leave the women.

Whereas what the women need is just one thing: security. A secure feeling after her explosive emotions.

Me, in essence, have the same reaction. When I hurt, physically and emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed, and feel like can’t stand for anything anymore, keeping too many things inside (where women need to share things rather than keeping things), I push people away. Evidently, it is not just me. I consulted, and asked around, figured out that many women do the same thing when they put on the same condition as I am. Well, I’m just a general normal woman just like the other women. I know it’s not a good thing, well, I always learn to keep it on track, because if not, that means I’m allowing my emotion push people who actually cares for me away. Maybe many women like to push people away because they are actually protecting their fragile hearts. The most important thing is to recognize that flaw. I believe that change is attempted by both sides. If she already recognizes her flaw in that area and wants to change (stop continuously pushing the man away), then he also need to support her for making that change (listen and accept her explanations, give her a sense of security). But unless, if the woman is a really annoying person, then I don’t need to say to stay.

But on the other hand, I believe, if men are able to understand these, many pain cause by being in a relationship will be healed. I also realized that people change over time, especially men. At first, men can be so so so romantic. And then, they become used to us, and I think, I think, I think, they are on a secure position that this woman (me or the other women) is loving the man, give her full attention to the man, so they just become who they really are. I’m not saying this on behalf of myself, but this is what I’m also heard from my female friends, either they married or still single, men change over time! One of my experience is if I’m being a sweet and loving person, he would do the same. But if I’m being upset about things, he would also do the same, and he just change become someone I never met before!

So, who is making a mistake here?

Okay.. Both have their own portion of mistakes.. But if a woman is already confess her mistake and beg to him not to leave her (just like Bonnie did above), why there are some men who just can’t understand and they still THINK instead of understanding the woman’s FEELING?

Ah.. Men are really confusing! xO

General

About music – the musician prayer

I just reached home (this late). What I’m going to tell you in the next few paragraphs are supposed to be yesterday’s, since the time currently has turned into new day. Let’s pretend that what happened yesterday as today.

Today was a tiring day. A full day of activity, but not the leisure one. Church duties came with full of lists. And my body was just couldn’t cooperate much. I blinked slowly. I leaned my body many times. I sneezed many times. I had bad headache, and I think my blood pressure was dropped because every time I tried to stand after a long sit, I felt like I was going to faint. I was exhausted, I don’t feel good, both emotionally and physically. All I wanted is just to have a long sleep and rest. But I have to get up and perform those lists.

I came early to church. I stepped to the sanctuary and it was dark. Nobody was there. I was still all alone, nobody had come yet. So I walked to the big black thingy placed on the corner of the bottom of the altar. A piano. I opened its cover and started to play it. It has been a very long time I didn’t play that thing, and I lost my touch. I can’t play well with music, but at least I know how to play. Just a simple chord, a simple sound I can make from those black and white keys. I almost forgotten how beautiful music can really be. The sound it creates can be a distinctive serenity and a relieve for those whose souls are lost. Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.

For me, I can easily cry by only listen to the music or sing a song rather than listening for someone to talk. Most people cry when what others tell them hit their inner, or they cry when they try to talk about something. For me, music touches my heart. Music has really been my best friend. Cheer me up, strengthen me, and understand what I felt.

There was a point where I withdrew myself from music. I stopped playing music, I stopped singing, and my heart was just feel so silent. No matter in what condition, I often sing, voiced or silently. But that time, I just stopped. My world was just so dark, so gloomy, and I can’t even be comforted with anything. And I realized what was missing. It was the tone that normally audible from the inside. It felt not right.

But what can I do? That moment, there were so much is going on, and I eliminated the most thing I knew it can comfort me. I was blind.

I’m not great at music, but I like to create music. In addition, I also love to write. I’m suppose can create a song, but I’m not confident enough. So I never practice. But this day, while I was waiting for the other fellows, on that piano, I played something that I didn’t realize that what I did was making a song. It just came out spontaneously. The tone described what did my heart feel at that moment. Just without the lyrics. And do you know how it felt? A consolation.

Now I understand why great musician can create incredible song. With the help of the singer, sometimes we can feel how a song, its tone and lyrics can touch our hearts. Maybe it because the composers put their souls on the song. Maybe the composers tell their experiences through a song they create, not only an ordinary creation. Some song can really be an encouragement to the listeners. Maybe because God’s presence is on the song.

Thank you God for the music.. Without it, the world is colorless..

” You’ve given me the words, Lord, and the music

A song of life that’s new and unrehearsed

You’ve given me the joy that makes my heart sing

Even though at times the tears come first

You’ve given me the theme of my existence

And I will sing Your glory all my days

For now, Lord, and forever

Be my music

And make my life a symphony of praise “

-The Musician Prayer (B.J.Hoff)-

General

The 2 old posts

I was tracing back my folders stored in the “my documents” on my laptop. Then, I found this. By the time I read these two files, suddenly I recalled the moments when I wrote these, how did I feel when I was on the site. Memory, sweet memory.. Did I live in the past? But the past is too sweet and too beautiful to be forgotten. Why good things are be easier to be thrown away rather than bad things?

Well, here I’m gonna post it again as the form of appreciation for the feelings I have ever experienced towards him.

(I called it “appreciation”, is because I appreciate the sincerity and purity of love. Love deserves appreciation)

“The thing I miss the most with distance are the hands. When your hand in mine, and I merely craw on them. I love the way you hold something between your fingers. Firm and strong. But tenderly lovely. I miss when your hand grasped firmly around my waist, tracing my skin. Carefully you make me feel safe on your hold. I miss the way your hand holds my cheek to kiss you. With smile you come to me, and stretched your hands to welcome me on the warmth of your heart. I miss the way your hands make violent waves when you tell me a story. The movement. I miss the rise and flow. The sweeping gestures. Friendly laughter. And gentle touches. I miss the way we do not have to say anything. All the silences. And simply trace our fingers together in the dark, behind the world.”

“In a world full of imaginations, between you and me in the same room, holding hands and never let go, hug tightly and never comes to an end, kiss tenderly and never stop smiling. And one day, I wake up in the morning, while the sunshine cannot be my inspiration anymore. It is just a dream I dreamed of. Standing in the reality. Our world is here, on the site of our palms. This is how we live now, by distance. I light a candle in the dark. And the moments of silence become my best friend. Kneel down and pray. In a hope that we can meet someday. I believe in that. And I will always love you with all the joy, with all the pain, with everything I am, everything I have and don’t have.”

General

The sleepless night(s) – hitam putih

” Hangat surya kan lupa tuk bersinar
Redup tak berkilau
Denting nada kan berhenti bernyanyi
Sepi tak mengalun
Hidup tiada lagi berwarna
Putih pun akan menghitam
Bintang yang semula benderang
Perlahan menghilang
Tak terbayang sepi dan sendiri
Dunia tanpamu
Hening semua, diam tak bermakna
Dunia tanpamu ”

3 minggu sudah ternyata aku tidak menikmati dekapan malam hari yang sunyi dan menenangkan. Seharusnya aku yang hobinya tidur panjang, ketika malam datang, aku tidak perlu kuatir akan bahaya yang mengancam. Karena begitu damainya malam hari untuk hatiku. 3 minggu aku tidak bisa tidur, and it’s torturing, very torturing. Ketika matahari bersinar, aku berjuang untuk bisa membuat diriku sendiri berdiri dan beraktifitas. Mungkin saking lelahnya aku, tapi aktifitas harian menuntutku untuk tetap terjaga. Jika malam tiba, jantungku berdegup dengan kencang. “Wah, mau copot!”, kataku sembari setengah tersadar, dan setengah lagi ada di belahan dunia mimpi selama sepanjang malam. Mimpiku bukan lagi mimpi. Dia telah menjadi realita. Bukan hanya tidak bisa terlelap, tapi juga ada saatnya dada ini terlalu sesak sampai2 aku tidak bisa mengambil nafas. Terlalu sakit rasanya jika jantung ini terus berdetak.

Sama halnya dengan semalam. Berjuang setengah mati untuk menenangkan diri, tapi bantuan tak kunjung datang. Aku berdoa, “God, just please help me” sepanjang malam. Tapi selama 8 jam aku ada di balik selimut pun, dadaku pengap. Seolah ada duri di dalam jantung ini, nyeri fisik seperti itu yang aku rasakan. Belum lagi dengan sakit kepala luar biasa yang menyerang kepalaku. Seolah ada sesuatu yang sedang memukuli kepalaku berkali2. Menyengsarakan.

Aku hanya ingin beristirahat dengan tenang. Terlelap dengan pulas. Dan siap menyambut hari baru.

Hitam dan putih, kata lirik di atas ucapkan mengenai dunia seseorang yang mencintai, namun kehilangan belahan hatinya. Semu dan tak berbayang. Gelap, sepi, dan sendu. Seperti itulah duniaku saat ini. Kemana warna warni yang dulu pernah ada? Kemana semua peralatan mewarnai yang dulu kami pegang bersama untuk menumpahkannya di canvas? Dulu, aku dan dia sering berkata terhadap satu sama lain, “ngga kebayang gimana rasanya kalau kita harus berpisah, ngga kebayang hatiku akan sehancur apa”. Tapi kenyataannya adalah hanya hatiku yang hancur berkeping2. Tertekuk lutut ini, tak sanggup berdiri. Aku terlalu memberikan seluruh hatiku untuk menghidupi sebuah kata2.

Menjelang subuh aku terbangun, mendapati banyak suara aneh yang bermunculan di luar kamar apartmentku. Jadi aku keluar mengeceknya. Ternyata angin besar, hujan besar. Badai. Anginnya memukul2 pintu dan jendela dan menghasilkan suara yang mengejutkan. Aku rasa cuaca tadi subuh sudah cukup menggambarkan perasaanku sepanjang malam. Hujan badai yang turun sudah cukup menggambarkan seberapa banyak aku menitikkan air mata di atas pipi.

Kemudian pagi harinya aku terbangun. Tak disangka langit pun berkabung untukku, berkabung denganku. Gelap, disertai dengan hujan rintik sepanjang hari. Mungkin malaikat di surga pun bersedih merasakan hatiku. Aku ingat papaku dulu sering bilang ketika aku bersedih masih kanak2, “don’t cry my little girl, don’t cry. The angels are also sad if you sad. The sky won’t be as bright as your smile if you cry”. Oh, I miss him, I miss my daddy..

Ya, aku sedang sedih, sangat bersedih. Seseorang yang dulu pernah aku kenal dengan baik bukan lagi seseorang yang aku kenal lagi saat ini. Dia telah menjadi seseorang yang asing untukku kini..