General

The love story

Everyone has different love story. Of how they met, how they fall in love, how they got into the relationship, how they failed, how they broken, how they met the right person, how they learn to fall in love again, how they succeed, how they got into marriage, and so on. And Mine? Is complicated, exhausting, painful, and difficult. I always imagined a beautiful, funny, and romantic love story as fairy tales always tell us. A prince of a princess’ dream comes to her riding her favorite white horse, stretch out his firm hand to reach her, and ask her, “would you come to my kingdom, live with me, fill me, happily ever after?”. And the end of the story would be: “and they live happily ever after”.

Well, basically I L.O.V.E the love stories made by Disney…

Again.. Mine is out of my imagination. Too far.

Seeing my married friends or in-a-relationship friends, I often ask God, “if my friends can get companionship, why I couldn’t? Why my story is complicated?”. I never ask much from God, I just want someone who can love me for whoever I am now, accept me for whoever I was. And I just ended my most complicated relationship after two years I suffer being in it. I thought this is gonna be my last, I was so sure about it. And I thought if I holding on, I will be stronger, as I was thinking if I let go, I’m gonna be weaker.

And I realized, my laughter had been gone too long. Honesty, sincerity, and truth once I knew.

But that day, I knew the meaning of bravery that flew above all suffering and what the world says about it.

People are mostly change because they have experienced the greatest pain when love betrays them. Your emotion is destroyed, as the law itself is written “and the greatest of these is love” -1Chor13:13b. That means that love has the greatest effect towards someone’s life. Myself, I don’t feel like I want to be around many people, I don’t feel like I want to meet everyone and tell stories, entertain myself. Although many people say, the more you being alone, the more you cannot think clearly because your heart are filled with wounds, and you can’t get yourself out from sorrow. But all I want to do now is just to be alone, and be silent. I guess this is what it’s called “the withdrawal”.

I’m anxious, my chest is hurt and it is hardly taking breath. And all I need is him, who is always there when I feel lonely or alone. But God Himself took him away from me, because I was too depend on him rather than God. And now God shows how human can disappoint you, betray you, hurt you, even it it means someone you love the most, the most important person in your life.

I never expect my love story is gonna end like this. And I still don’t know to which way I would go, will me and he who I love are  going to meet again, or is this really the end, I don’t know, I just don’t know, and I am too afraid to move, to walk, to run. Where my humanity say “I’m gonna stop loving, I can’t trust anybody anymore, I just want to be alone with my remaining breath”, but hope whispers “learn to love, learn to love again, and over again”. And believe me, IT IS difficult. Your battle is between you and yourself, the battle within is about how do I cope with pain while at the same time I learn to prioritize love. We often just want to look into the negative things rather than positive things, recall the negative things from those who hurt us, so we face difficulties to love them, and the result is either we getting more hurt or hate them, and all the good things about them is just disappear in a blink. And if so, what makes us different from them? God’s love is unconditional, giving infinite love and not ask anything in return, and I want have His heart, to love, infinitely.

Infinity is love..

I believe, even though people do bad things to us, there is always a (at least) good thing(s) in them, buried inside, clouded by problems, and blinded by stubbornness.

Every time I remember the bad things about people who hurt me, a person I love who crushed my heart, I pray to God “God, give me strength to love them, and give me the ability to forgive them”.

I just want to be like Him, oh yeah, I just want to love like He does.

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