” A week after our daughter Lauren was born, my wife Bonnie and I were completely exhausted. Each night Lauren kept waking us. Bonnie had been torn in the delivery and was taking painkillers. She could barely walk. After 5 days of staying home to help, I went back to work. She seemed to be getting better. While I was away, she ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling me at the office, she asked one of my brothers, who was visiting, to purchase more. My brother, however, did not return with the pills. Consequently, she spent the whole day in pain, taking care of a newborn.
I had no idea that her day had been so awful. When I returned home she was very upset. I misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she was blaming me. She said, “I’ve been in pain all day.. I ran out of pills. I’ve been stranded in bed and nobody cares!”. I said defensively, “why you didn’t call me?”. She said, “I asked your brother, but he forgot! I’ve been waiting for him to return all day. What am I supposed to do? I can barely walk. I feel so deserted!”.
At this point I exploded. My fuse was also very short that day. I was angry that she hadn’t called me. I was furious that she was blaming me when I didn’t even know she was in pain. After exchanging a few harsh words, I headed for the door. I was fired, irritable, and had heard enough. We had both reached our limits.
Then something started to happen that would change my life.
Bonnie said, “stop, please don’t leave. This is when I need you the most. I’m in pain. I haven’t slept in days. Please listen to me”. I stopped for a moment to listen. She said, “John Gray, you’re a fair-weather friend! As long as I’m sweet, loving Bonnie, you are here for me, but as soon as I’m not, you walk right out that door. Right now I’m in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the most. Please, come over here and hold me. You don’t have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don’t go”.
I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her. At that moment I started to realize the real meaning of love unconditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a fair-weather friend. As long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself.
That day, for the first time, I didn’t leave her. I stayed, and it felt great. I succeeded in giving to her when she really needed me. This felt like real love. Caring for another person. Trusting in our love. Being there at her hour of her need. I marveled at how easy it was for me to support her when I was shown the way. “
What is written above is an introduction fragment from one of John Gray’s best seller book: “men are from mars, women are from venus”. I haven’t read the book entirely, but from the first page that says exactly like the words above, I can surely say that it’s a very common problem occurs when women are demand their needs to be fulfilled. “What other thing I could do to make you satisfy?”, most men will get upset and get confused when they come into that argument.
We all know that men and women are different creatures with different needs. When it comes to a relationship, . I myself don’t believe that when a relationship failed, is due to incompatibility. “We are just too different, so we broke up”, is the common statement we always hear. From my opinion, everyone is just too different, because it involves two heads, two brains, two minds, two hearts, two backgrounds, two lives. The important thing to succeed is how far can we tolerate to each other. And most people are also giving too many reasons to defend themselves, thinking that their side (either as men or women) is the most correct side, considering that many people are subjective (egoism).
It is necessary to create an understanding of both differences that raises self-esteem and personal dignity, while inspiring mutual trust, personal responsibility, increased cooperation, and greater love. In a relationship between men and women, we mostly use heart to create a communication. Women are basically are sensitive, by looking how women always say, “do you understand how I feel?” compare to men, “do you understand what I’m trying to say?”. I remember my Indonesian friends said, “you need brain to be in a relationship, don’t involve too much feeling”. Yes, I agree with them. But you also need to balance them. This is what most people are missing. They fail to balance it. Women are using too much heart, and men are using too much brain. Opening the heart results in greater forgiveness and increased motivation to give and receive love and support.
“Love unconditional love” as mentioned above is making the REAL LOVE works, isn’t it..
I think, every relationship based on REAL LOVE is worth fighting for, when it still worthy to be fighting for. What kind of worth am I talking about? Love, supported by the commitment once built, of course. And from both sides must be equal. If the weights is not balance, it will be too heavy for the other side to stick up. It’s worthless.
I am basically a needy person. I demand a quality time, because it’s my love language. But I am not that selfish, I am able to sort out when to demand, and when to not demand. If my boyfriend gets busy, and we haven’t go out for quite a long time, so I demand him to have time later on when he is free. If I haven’t seen my boyfriend for quite some time, and we also haven’t got the matched schedule to meet each other, so I demand him to do the short video call with me. It’s not that I want that, but I need that, because it’s my love language (read “5 love languages” by Gary Chapman). Everyone’s need are needed to be fulfilled, especially when it comes to a relationship between 2 persons, there’s a “trade”, to give and to take. And I think, on behalf of the female side, my demand is very common just as like other women would demand them. It’s a natural thing when women demand something, as long as it’s still within the limit (by looking at the situation, such as if the boyfriend is really busy and really don’t have time, so don’t push him too hard and be patient waiting for him to have a free time to provide his time for the girlfriend instead of getting upset).
Women, who are highly emotional creatures, I can say, they, we often do something unnecessary and very stupid action, which is: pushing our men away. As stated above, when Bonnie got depressed, all she did is attack her husband with her resentment because of what she experienced for the whole day (and her whole process after delivering the newborn), and she tried to blame at the others. That’s what women do, isn’t it? Women get depressed, get angry for nothing or simple things, and then look for a fall person. It’s because they use their feelings, and don’t even think rationally when they are being emotional. But in the end, Bonnie who was very emotional at that moment, and also overwhelmed by her condition, finally expressed her intention to pushed her husband away was because she hoped that her husband could be getting closer and comfortably resting in the arms of her husband.
But as most general normal men will always react, get upset, go to the door, and leave the women.
Whereas what the women need is just one thing: security. A secure feeling after her explosive emotions.
Me, in essence, have the same reaction. When I hurt, physically and emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed, and feel like can’t stand for anything anymore, keeping too many things inside (where women need to share things rather than keeping things), I push people away. Evidently, it is not just me. I consulted, and asked around, figured out that many women do the same thing when they put on the same condition as I am. Well, I’m just a general normal woman just like the other women. I know it’s not a good thing, well, I always learn to keep it on track, because if not, that means I’m allowing my emotion push people who actually cares for me away. Maybe many women like to push people away because they are actually protecting their fragile hearts. The most important thing is to recognize that flaw. I believe that change is attempted by both sides. If she already recognizes her flaw in that area and wants to change (stop continuously pushing the man away), then he also need to support her for making that change (listen and accept her explanations, give her a sense of security). But unless, if the woman is a really annoying person, then I don’t need to say to stay.
But on the other hand, I believe, if men are able to understand these, many pain cause by being in a relationship will be healed. I also realized that people change over time, especially men. At first, men can be so so so romantic. And then, they become used to us, and I think, I think, I think, they are on a secure position that this woman (me or the other women) is loving the man, give her full attention to the man, so they just become who they really are. I’m not saying this on behalf of myself, but this is what I’m also heard from my female friends, either they married or still single, men change over time! One of my experience is if I’m being a sweet and loving person, he would do the same. But if I’m being upset about things, he would also do the same, and he just change become someone I never met before!
So, who is making a mistake here?
Okay.. Both have their own portion of mistakes.. But if a woman is already confess her mistake and beg to him not to leave her (just like Bonnie did above), why there are some men who just can’t understand and they still THINK instead of understanding the woman’s FEELING?
Ah.. Men are really confusing! xO