What I believe now, is I’m at the lowest point of my life.
Whereas previously I finally found a way to enjoy my loneliness. And I made peace with my loneliness after I wasted so many days and nights wept for my loneliness, blamed and punished myself for everything that happened in my life. I was stuck, cried for my life.
Loneliness is painful.
So I made peace with it. And my days and nights were full of smile and laughter. I sang for the morning, and embrace the chill of the night to make it warm.
I forgot all of my problems and treated them as a blessing.
And I was happy..
Until 2 weeks before that event was going to happen. Like darkness comes replacing the day, that was how my heart turned. Slowly, I felt depression started to attack my emotion, my mind. And slowly, past was dragging me down. I was reminded about him, the one I loved, which I could count on to share so many things. I was moved to pay him a visit to tell him so many things that I buried for so long. And slowly, it took my smile and laughter away. And I was hurt again, by the feeling of being lonely. Again.
I realized, this thing is stressed me out, and I am so depressed, until I can’t even pray to God. I can’t even speak to God. I can’t even say anything to God. And it just like I’m losing my faith in God. Thinking that all of these were a punishment from God. Seeing God as a Figure that punish rather than a Figure of Love. I don’t read His Words, I don’t pray, because I was thinking that God won’t understand, which is totally wrong. My mind says that it is so wrong to be away from God, my heart says that I really need God in moments like these, but my emotion, my hurting emotion says that I just couldn’t bear to be near with God.
How could I, that wrote so many wonderful things about God in the last posts, be this away from Him, whom I love so much, whom I very count on in my life.
And you just getting more astray when you are away from God.
God is really connecting with us. He is actually attached to us, and He bonds with us. It happens since the moment we receive Him. And by the time we are away from Him, we break our bond with Him, and we just powerless. I am powerless. And of course, hopeless, since He is the Source of any hope that we could find in the world. I know that being away from Him is so wrong, and when I am counting myself and trust on my fear rather than Him, it weaken my emotions.
But to be honest, I am also lost in an idea of coming up to the point where I could finally enjoyed my loneliness.
Oh Gosh.. My life is so many ups and downs, and I am just getting exhausted every time I’m down. Because it takes quite an effort for me to rise again.
And today is the peak of my emotion, where the person I really love, the person that I missed for a dozen years, disappoint me and hurt me very badly. And my heart is shattered to listen him saying so many inappropriate things about me.
And forgiveness must come first.
I am so protecting my own heart to avoid myself getting more hurt, but eventually, it gets more hurt when something hits me. I am so protecting my own heart until it becomes too fragile. I am so afraid to interact with anybody, so afraid of getting more hurt again, so afraid of making a fresh start to believe in someone, trust someone. But how can I make it believe that there is always a good side behind every tears that falls, every pain that felt.
“God is the answer”, indeed it is the only answer everybody could say.
But on this darkest point, I am .. Desperate and just …
thinking that it is a waste to share with someone,
thinking that they wouldn’t understand,
thinking that they will be more judgmental.
So insecure, so lonely…
And it is a painful way of living.