There are so many things to learn when you are grieving. You learn something that you have never learned before, and knowing when to withdraw and take some time alone to clear your head. And the most important moment is when you learn how to appreciate silence. Some people might say that when you grieve, go around to be with people. So at any point, you may gain your strength back and then got cheered up.
But as for me, I would prefer to lock myself up in an empty room, filled with my favorite things, and then let myself just focus on doing the things I love to do when I am alone. From there, I could gain my strength back, my energy back, and be ready for the world on the next day.
But if only I had someone, I would pick up my phone, press the number, and talk and share what’s on my mind.
And perhaps, I might cry to him. I believe our moments will be filled with silence, and my sobbing as the background of our conversation.
That is what I had missed for the past year. That is what I was looking for.
But as for now, being alone is the only option I have, and the only thing I could rely on. Especially when it involves the most sensitive issue in my live.
Some people get too pushy. They insist for me to come to them to wherever they are and whatever they are having a gathering to attend. I thought that it was always the best thing to do when you are grieving. But as I grew up, I started to learn that the more mature you are, the more you actually need some more time alone than being with your friends.
People grow, and growing people, change.
It does not mean that you don’t need your friends. It’s just mean that you need more time alone LONGER than you need time to be with your friends, to be cheered up.
Need more time to think, and analyze the things that will affect your actions afterwards.
I learn, that is how mature people handle their problems by their own.
When I was driving towards some place, I was thinking: “how could I become this silence, this close, and feel too lazy to set up meetings with my friends, whereas when I had problems couple years ago I would rather to go and see my friends than being alone”.
“That is the meaning of being a grown up”, my big brother once answered the same exact question.
You don’t need anybody else to solve the problem, you don’t need your friends to get cheered up, you don’t need other people to accompany you during that darkest moment or to make you feel better with everything they might say, you don’t need to hear solutions to be followed. you don’t need people you trust to make you decide the important thing in your life, you don’t need anything to gain back your energy after the chaos you just experienced.
You just need … you.