When God speaks through event

Yesterday, I was supposed to go to the gym with my colleague. As I told her that my sneakers were broken and my plan to go to the mall on the next day after yesterday to find a replacement, she offered me how if we go now. Well, I was still in muscle pain anyway after I attended the body-pump class on Monday. So I agreed with her, and went to one of the nearest mall to find a replacement for my broken sneakers.

So I found the sneakers, and after that, we were walking around throughout the mall, entered each of the stores there, and casual talks accompanied us along the way. As we reached the lowest level of the mall, which all kind of foods are there, we bought a snack to be shared and we sat down. And of course, we went into a deeper talk. That’s how bonds are created.

She asked me, what do I first look from a man to love in a general way. I simply answered: “he must be much smarter than me”. Well, I don’t say that I am smart and intelligent. But I am confident enough to say that I have enough experience as I had lived in several countries and cities during my growing stage. And these experiences had formed me to be an individual who is very open minded in any aspects. I also went through so many things that I should not have experienced on that particular age. From being open minded, we could go anywhere we want. Be smart, be intelligent, be wise, be independent, and many other stage we could step into. And I must have a partner who at least is at the same stage as me, or even much better than it is. She asked me whether I already have the candidate. In fact, I do have. So I told her a short story about him, how sometimes he is there, and most of the time he just gone and nowhere to find him.

Minutes went by, and we shared a lot of things. But what I am going to emphasize here is not the content of our conversation, but the meaning behind of this event. As I wrote in my last few post before, I was telling myself that I am giving up. Giving up to find the right person for I’m being the right me when I am with him. With everything that is going on with my dad, my love life, my current situation, I could not see the the light in the end of the road. So I told God along with the despair on my breath, that if God had put me through these, so I assumed that He just doesn’t have the plan for me to find the right one. So I learned to live by my own, twisting my brain to get settled on my own. Like … forever. And I was so ready to throw away all my dream of being married and have a wonderful future family of my own. I had started actually, by denying my needs of having someone. So I took a huge step of the withdrawal in my daily life.

But then, a few weeks ago, when I was dismissed from the hospital, suddenly Da contacted Ma and set a plan to have dinner with both of us. On the next day, we were having dinner. Well, nothing to discussed, but Ma said that it was his way to apologize for his last actions. At the end of the dinner, he told me that he’s gonna pick me up next weekend and spending the whole day together with him. Just like old times. So basically we were reconciled when I was about to throw my trust away to a creature named “man”.

And then, came this event, when I and my colleague had this little talk, convinced me not to give up to find “the one”, and she told me not to giving up my dream away.

I was thinking, what is actually happen here? Somehow I see all of these as a sign from God to say that I should not give up, I should not throw my dream away, and how He would make everything right. One thing is still echoed on my mind when she said: “there will be a right time, when you need to meet someone, than you will meet your right one”. She said I just need to be patience, and wait for the perfect time to come. She is not a godly woman, but somehow her words hit the right spot in my heart. And from where the Faith comes, I believe that it came from God. God spoke through her, even we didn’t talk anything about “God is in charge”. But He actually is. Working behind the scene, just like Esther’s story.

I knew that the severe pain had brought me away from God. I just couldn’t face myself to deal with the pain again, so I live in a denial. And of course, along with the anger I bury for all this time. And I simply closed the door, locked it, and don’t want to deal with anything with it for the matter of time. But I also knew that in my deepest heart, I still believe that He will make everything right like the way everything was before. I knew that God won’t give up on me that easy. But I also knew that my logical thoughts demand for more evidence that I won’t get hurt again.

Like anyone wishes to be happy, I also have the wish to be happy. If anybody tell me that happiness is created, then tell me how to deal with the pain. If anybody tell me that the pain would go away through forgiveness, then tell me how to forgive yourself.

But as for me now, I am still hoping that if God wants me to keeping my dream, He will show me some other things that I need to see.

It’s “THAT” dream (again)

Shoot..

It’s that dream again. The dream that I haven’t dreamed for quite a long time. The dream that makes me awake in the middle of the night. The dream that turns my morning into a blue shining sunshine. The dream that drags me again to him. Well, the dream was considered as a nightmare for me. There were few nights when I woke up in tears, and there were another nights I woke up with anxiety. Yes. I did dreaming about it a few times. And I don’t know why I kept dreaming about him and having similar dreams over and over again.

— It was a normal day. I was doing my usual activities. Meeting with some of my close friends. I talked, I laughed, at a comfy cafe around the area. Came back home with a happy feeling. Just like how I would spend my leisure time, and just like how I would feel after I spend my leisure time. And then everything just changed. Accidentally met him (or heard about him from someone > in my another dreams). I was almost forgotten about him, even in my real life, when I am not dreaming. But he was not alone. He was with someone, someone I (always) knew. I had brought the feeling of getting heart-broken into my dream, over and over again. And just like that, I cried in my dream, and I woke up. —

The sudden wake up made me thinking, what is really going on. Does it mean that I should really throw away my hopes towards him? Does it mean that what will happen in the future is totally the opposite of my dream? Or does it exactly the story would be? Does it mean that he is thinking about me? Does it mean that I should contact him and ask whether everything is going okay with him? Does he is in trouble and need something from me? I heard that dream is the reflection of someone’s thoughts. But every time I got to dream about him, I never thinking about him. Which is, this really stressed me out. But others might also say that dream is the sign of something. Which is, also stressed me out, finding the meaning of the dream I got. Most of the time in the past, my dreams had led me into some answers. And in another case, my dreams became true, so they were like some kind of signs.

I got upset a few times when this happen to me. Because every time it comes, I’m in the stage where I am moving on a few steps ahead and leave all the memories about him far away behind. But then, when it struck into me, slowly the memories dragging me down. And the wall I built to keep the pain away spontaneously got risen up as it aware that I can’t go through the same road. And .. gosh .. I turn to be an irritating person for the whole day (and thank God I realize this). So I kept myself off from the grid, preventing hurting anybody else, and prefer to be alone. But it’s so tiring, not knowing what is happening outside there, losing the idea of what should or shouldn’t do.

Well.. I hope this shall pass faster than it was before…

Unless.. Something really needs to be done.

Updated blog

It came to my mind that recently I am quite active in this blog, comparing with the early months when this blog was made. Well, as I work in a Market Research company which really familiar with doing analysis in our day to day task, it didn’t skip my attention that I spontaneously looked for the reason of why I write so much lately. It turned out that so many things happened in my life, especially when it interferes my emotional energy repeatedly. I realize that I’ve changed when I preferred to be alone rather than meeting with people when something came up, and when I chose to bury the feelings I had rather than telling people about them. And writing has become my only escape (well, considering that go to the gym and build my muscle every day is also become my escape). When I was struggling with trusting people to not judging me of the feelings I am going to share, a part of me would choose to close the door, lay down on a bed, looking at the ceiling, and talking to myself, which is totally different from the “old me” a few months back. A lot of questions were raised, and I did a lot of thinking. Tried to encounter my emotional state, I write.

Words have become my one and only best friend.

And I felt extremely relieve after I write, even though the problems or thoughts never really went away.

The “old me” would prefer to go out from the locked doors, meeting people I trust, and share everything I feel. She would prefer to go somewhere and do some shopping to make herself feels good. She would prefer to be pampered with the pity look from her best friends that end up to get supports from them. She would prefer to cry and cry and cry for the whole nights and days, trying to feel sorry for herself that she has been hit by that particular kind of event. She would prefer to look for someone to pour out her demands and lean on that person instead of herself.

When I asked myself “why do I have to change? I don’t like this change”, then one answer came through my heart. As I thought about that question I raised, I started to believe that it’s true. That I grow. And it’s called “being mature”.

Then, was I not mature enough before?

When I met with him few days back, I was telling him the same statement. He said that a lot of pain in my life had brought me into the journey where God wants me to be more mature than I already was. Maturity never stop towards its end, because it has no end. It’s a going process. And many many many steps should be taking for us to reach our own end, which is when we die. Without many thinking, I believed his words were true.

I told him that I still want the old part of me exist, because that part, took the largest part that make me as I am today. And he put it in simple words: “don’t lose it, take it with you, but know which one comes first when you are in certain conditions”.

Well, the good thing is that there are posts to write, and read for sure =D I was not really in a commitment to update my previous blogs, but this blog, has become the part of me, where I can put my deepest feelings in it, regardless of how many people or who are them are reading the posts.

Busy, idle. Idle, busy.

I have tried to enjoy moments of being occupied and busy when I’m at work, as well as being so idle when I’m off from work. Last two weeks I just had one full week of Hari Raya holiday. Nothing much was going during the holiday. Just some simple refreshing of my own, enjoying the city where a place called home is being presence. But still, it was hard for me to get back to work on the next Monday, as I really don’t want to leave this city. Pressures kept coming, and the first thing was on my mind to ease the burden was just to get away from that person, the one who really annoyed me for the last months, but still there, working with me. Only God knows for how long should I force myself to face the least thing I want to face.

So last week, the first week after that long holiday took off, was really a hectic week. Not really many things to do, but many things to thought of. And the whole mind was occupied, and I was able to ignore the real situation. I really enjoy myself of being tightly occupied with work. I can’t bare to see my mind being idle. I just need to think of something continuously, so all the worries, just vanish into thin air, and it’s like that they were never there on the first place.

And then, it came into the next week, which is this week. Attended the wedding celebration that took place at one of the fine-dining restaurant in Bandung on Sunday, ended to be the unexpected stay in the city. A few hours after I took off, I can’t stop the vomiting and the diarrhea. So the next morning, when I went for the brunch meeting, I can’t stand any longer, and was going to faint when I walked around one of the mall nearby the brunch restaurant to kill the time to go back to Jakarta by travel. Fortunately, I already with my mom when that event occured. So she brought me to the nearest hospital to be checked. Few hours later, I was admitted into the hospital for two days and one night. Observed by the doctor, and the doctor decided to give me a full five day bed rest at home (for this case, I also asked myself to be dismissed from hospital as I don’t like stay there).

And tonight, I’m laying down on my own bed, thinking that I leave my works because I have to take the full week rest. Yes, I’m not feeling to comfortable about it, but what choice do I have? The doctor said that it is better to be fully recovered, then go back to work afterwards. But come to the thought of it, now I’m thinking myself of being idle, for another one week. Well, it is good to do nothing as I imagined. But somehow, I also think: “what should I do?”. Okay, I have lots of unread ebooks installed on my iPad and books on my bookshelf, also I’ve got some series converted and synced to my iPad, but that’s all. When I’m tired, I checked my path, my instagram, my facebook, which was really boring. And my phones? Nothing interesting in it, or to be precise, nobody to be contacted and to talked to as often as it was anymore.

I’m thinking: “what do I really want then?”.

Being busy when it comes to idle, and being idle when it comes to be really busy and hectic. It’s like the devil’s trap. Being in circle for the same reason. I conclude that I don’t know what I really want! How come I am this lost?

I only knew that I am full of excitement. My life have to be filled with full of excitement and surprises, not just some childhood imagination, not just some flat routinities. Something to be waited for the end of the day.

I knew what it is, but I also knew that God has not give me the permission to have it just yet. And I don’t know whether that is including in God’s plan for my life. I asked for it, but it seems that the closer I chase it, the farther God pushes it away for me to reach it.

And I just give up.

Well at least now I know the feeling of being hopeless and giving up. Trust me, it’s a toneless life, like a music that doesn’t produce a single note when music was made by its sound.

Don’t fall into the trap that I fell. It’s an exhausting cycle. Even I don’t have anymore energy to save myself.

Sleeping sounds soothing.. Perhaps, on that dark pathway I’ve been walking on in my dream, I would gain back the hope I lost.

And wait for something or someone, to pass me by and save me.

The night with you, and the memoar

It was a beautiful night. No jam around the area. Bright night with no rain. Spent the hours with you, the outsider I trust the most for the past 5 years. Yes. 5 Years. We have known each other for 5 years already. And our relationship has been grown since then. Filled with the closeness and theĀ  distance of our relationship. But yet until today, we’ve become closer and closer, as a brother and a sister.

I still remember the days, the weeks, the months, and the year when I was deeply falling in love with you. I still remember each moments that made me feel like being showered with love everyday. We talked with our own language, where no one could understand the hidden message we’ve been trying to deliver. They said: “it’s too complicated”, when they hear or see us talking.

No one would understand what were the feelings did we had put behind every lines, whether it was disappointment, sadness, excited, in love, broken, or something else. Like we had our own world, drown into it, and imagining a lot of things.

Called each other by our own “self-made” nicks, I never forget how I always awakened by the thoughts of you at dawn. Each dawn. Sleepless nights was paid by the morning full of hopes and wishes, wondering what would happen for tomorrow, what other surprises you would let me to experience, and let them written in my life-long memories.

Waiting for the day to pass as we often had a bunch of plans to spend time together, with the others, or just the two of us, I still remember a few moments before I was going to meet you. Full of excitement, full of joy.

I never forget how I learned hardly to understand your complicated world, and how I was willing to be complicated so I could be compatible enough for you.

But most of all, I never forget how you made me feel. The love I used to have for that unforgettable 1 year, has brought me into the world of maturity when love is become the base of everything. You had taught me another side of loving somebody.

And when I decided to flew away my heart, put all the feelings inside the box and lock it, you left me your most favorite thing to be one of my favorite thing as well. And each time I pass by the brew, the smell always reminds me you, the figure behind that cup you always drink.

There were also the time, a long big gap became a bridge for each of us to cross. You were gone and I just didn’t know where to find you. You were suddenly a stranger to me. 3 months. That 3 months full of misery, where it ended up on a gloomy corner at a restaurant up on the hill, deciding how the two of us would go. That night, I just wanted to gave up, and moving on with my own, without you being in it. But I would never, ever, forget, you.

You had changed from that day. A lot. And you are not the only one who changed. It’s both of us. New love stories come and go, but still, here we are, chatting and sharing my deepest secret while having a dinner and a supper afterwards. You’re the only outsider who I could trust to show my tears without being ashamed, the only outsider I could being the real me. You know the meaning of my smiles, my love, or even my silence mean in certain conditions without I’m telling it first, you are the only one who understands.

And I don’t have anyone special around me currently, but you, you just become one, because again, you are the only one who understands me, my whole life – yesterday and today -, and my dream.

Because I remember clearly when I was in that tough relationship after you, you never left. You still there, be by my side, and give me that kind of love I need. You never gave up. And I realized from there, how much you cared for me.

Even until today, you never leave, as you promised a long time ago. There will never be enough “thank you” to be said, because you had given me a lot, sacrificed many things, and been patience enough to remain present in my life.

And if anybody ask me that would I consider you, given any circumstances, the answer might be: “yes”.

To learn to love you once again, why can’t I do that if I had done that a long time ago..

Throughout the valley of sorrow

Last night, before I went to bed, I was looking back into my old blog on Blogger. Read every lines I wrote back there, when everything written there reflected what was inside my heart, what I felt. Drown into the old memories while surrounded by the darkness, I found one of this interesting lines. I couldn’t believe that it was me who wrote such beautiful lines, as I myself was touched by reading it. I don’t intend to praise myself, but the thing is when I read them, I could feel the feeling I felt by that time. I could feel the feeling of being madly in love and how I really wished for both of us could be together.

So I decided to re-write it here. Perhaps it would send the hidden message to the person I hope he would read.

Because this is still the one thing I am feeling while I hide them behind each smile I threw..

—————

Another broken wings..
It leads to flowing tears..
The sorrow from this pain..
Gives way to deeper fears..

I’m hurt inside from losing you..
I’m often asking why?
How could this end so suddenly?
I feel like I’m useless..
Speaking about love..
But cannot do anything for love..

It wasn’t very long ago..
That you and I embraced..
It feels like only yesterday..
And now my soul’s displaced..

I’m trying to find a peaceful thought..
Where you and I were strong..
But in the absence of your love..
My happiness has gone..

For all the times we’ve joked..
All the times we’ve smiled..
All the times we’ve laughed..
For all the times we’ve made sweet and unforgettable..
Your voice is what I’ve missed..

I truly hope there comes a day..
When love will reunite..
Someday, somewhere..
Different path we’re going to get through..

I’ll be missing everything we’ve gone through together..
I’ll wipe away these tears one day..
I cry throughout the nights..
Just for you..

Rindu dalam hujan

Malam ini, hujan turun..

Tak luput aku ingat akan sosokmu

Cinta tanpa amarah

Membasahi setiap langkah sendu kisah itu

 

Dalam hujan aku meyakini cintaku

Meyakini apa yang hendak kumiliki

Tanpa lelah aku mengejarmu

Menghangatkan hatimu dalam dinginnya rintikan hujan malam ini

 

Pernah aku meragumu

Dengan tangis aku mempertanyakan keyakinanmu

Namun kau genggam tanganku menerobos hujan

Hilang sudah keraguanku

 

Hari ini hujan hanya sebatas memori

Hanya dalam mimpi kutemui sosokmu

Hujan yang kukirimkan

Tak juga membuatmu kembali

 

Pernah aku menembus hujan

Tak bisa aku meraihmu

Pernah aku menunggu reda

Tak bisa aku menyusulmu

Pernah kupanggil namamu

Tak pernah kau dengar seruanku

Sederas itukan rintangan untuk memilikimu?

Sederas itukah hujan hingga kau tak menoleh?

 

Kau berjalan di genangan air

Untuk menghapus jejak

Kini hanya masa lalu

Terkenang oleh waktu

 

Hujan yang turun malam ini

Adalah sisa tangisku kemarin

Yang tak sempat kau hapuskan

 

Berhentilah hujan

Agar kuberhenti menghitung tetesmu

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