I have tried to enjoy moments of being occupied and busy when I’m at work, as well as being so idle when I’m off from work. Last two weeks I just had one full week of Hari Raya holiday. Nothing much was going during the holiday. Just some simple refreshing of my own, enjoying the city where a place called home is being presence. But still, it was hard for me to get back to work on the next Monday, as I really don’t want to leave this city. Pressures kept coming, and the first thing was on my mind to ease the burden was just to get away from that person, the one who really annoyed me for the last months, but still there, working with me. Only God knows for how long should I force myself to face the least thing I want to face.
So last week, the first week after that long holiday took off, was really a hectic week. Not really many things to do, but many things to thought of. And the whole mind was occupied, and I was able to ignore the real situation. I really enjoy myself of being tightly occupied with work. I can’t bare to see my mind being idle. I just need to think of something continuously, so all the worries, just vanish into thin air, and it’s like that they were never there on the first place.
And then, it came into the next week, which is this week. Attended the wedding celebration that took place at one of the fine-dining restaurant in Bandung on Sunday, ended to be the unexpected stay in the city. A few hours after I took off, I can’t stop the vomiting and the diarrhea. So the next morning, when I went for the brunch meeting, I can’t stand any longer, and was going to faint when I walked around one of the mall nearby the brunch restaurant to kill the time to go back to Jakarta by travel. Fortunately, I already with my mom when that event occured. So she brought me to the nearest hospital to be checked. Few hours later, I was admitted into the hospital for two days and one night. Observed by the doctor, and the doctor decided to give me a full five day bed rest at home (for this case, I also asked myself to be dismissed from hospital as I don’t like stay there).
And tonight, I’m laying down on my own bed, thinking that I leave my works because I have to take the full week rest. Yes, I’m not feeling to comfortable about it, but what choice do I have? The doctor said that it is better to be fully recovered, then go back to work afterwards. But come to the thought of it, now I’m thinking myself of being idle, for another one week. Well, it is good to do nothing as I imagined. But somehow, I also think: “what should I do?”. Okay, I have lots of unread ebooks installed on my iPad and books on my bookshelf, also I’ve got some series converted and synced to my iPad, but that’s all. When I’m tired, I checked my path, my instagram, my facebook, which was really boring. And my phones? Nothing interesting in it, or to be precise, nobody to be contacted and to talked to as often as it was anymore.
I’m thinking: “what do I really want then?”.
Being busy when it comes to idle, and being idle when it comes to be really busy and hectic. It’s like the devil’s trap. Being in circle for the same reason. I conclude that I don’t know what I really want! How come I am this lost?
I only knew that I am full of excitement. My life have to be filled with full of excitement and surprises, not just some childhood imagination, not just some flat routinities. Something to be waited for the end of the day.
I knew what it is, but I also knew that God has not give me the permission to have it just yet. And I don’t know whether that is including in God’s plan for my life. I asked for it, but it seems that the closer I chase it, the farther God pushes it away for me to reach it.
And I just give up.
Well at least now I know the feeling of being hopeless and giving up. Trust me, it’s a toneless life, like a music that doesn’t produce a single note when music was made by its sound.
Don’t fall into the trap that I fell. It’s an exhausting cycle. Even I don’t have anymore energy to save myself.
Sleeping sounds soothing.. Perhaps, on that dark pathway I’ve been walking on in my dream, I would gain back the hope I lost.
And wait for something or someone, to pass me by and save me.