It came to my mind that recently I am quite active in this blog, comparing with the early months when this blog was made. Well, as I work in a Market Research company which really familiar with doing analysis in our day to day task, it didn’t skip my attention that I spontaneously looked for the reason of why I write so much lately. It turned out that so many things happened in my life, especially when it interferes my emotional energy repeatedly. I realize that I’ve changed when I preferred to be alone rather than meeting with people when something came up, and when I chose to bury the feelings I had rather than telling people about them. And writing has become my only escape (well, considering that go to the gym and build my muscle every day is also become my escape). When I was struggling with trusting people to not judging me of the feelings I am going to share, a part of me would choose to close the door, lay down on a bed, looking at the ceiling, and talking to myself, which is totally different from the “old me” a few months back. A lot of questions were raised, and I did a lot of thinking. Tried to encounter my emotional state, I write.
Words have become my one and only best friend.
And I felt extremely relieve after I write, even though the problems or thoughts never really went away.
The “old me” would prefer to go out from the locked doors, meeting people I trust, and share everything I feel. She would prefer to go somewhere and do some shopping to make herself feels good. She would prefer to be pampered with the pity look from her best friends that end up to get supports from them. She would prefer to cry and cry and cry for the whole nights and days, trying to feel sorry for herself that she has been hit by that particular kind of event. She would prefer to look for someone to pour out her demands and lean on that person instead of herself.
When I asked myself “why do I have to change? I don’t like this change”, then one answer came through my heart. As I thought about that question I raised, I started to believe that it’s true. That I grow. And it’s called “being mature”.
Then, was I not mature enough before?
When I met with him few days back, I was telling him the same statement. He said that a lot of pain in my life had brought me into the journey where God wants me to be more mature than I already was. Maturity never stop towards its end, because it has no end. It’s a going process. And many many many steps should be taking for us to reach our own end, which is when we die. Without many thinking, I believed his words were true.
I told him that I still want the old part of me exist, because that part, took the largest part that make me as I am today. And he put it in simple words: “don’t lose it, take it with you, but know which one comes first when you are in certain conditions”.
Well, the good thing is that there are posts to write, and read for sure =D I was not really in a commitment to update my previous blogs, but this blog, has become the part of me, where I can put my deepest feelings in it, regardless of how many people or who are them are reading the posts.