Yesterday, I was supposed to go to the gym with my colleague. As I told her that my sneakers were broken and my plan to go to the mall on the next day after yesterday to find a replacement, she offered me how if we go now. Well, I was still in muscle pain anyway after I attended the body-pump class on Monday. So I agreed with her, and went to one of the nearest mall to find a replacement for my broken sneakers.
So I found the sneakers, and after that, we were walking around throughout the mall, entered each of the stores there, and casual talks accompanied us along the way. As we reached the lowest level of the mall, which all kind of foods are there, we bought a snack to be shared and we sat down. And of course, we went into a deeper talk. That’s how bonds are created.
She asked me, what do I first look from a man to love in a general way. I simply answered: “he must be much smarter than me”. Well, I don’t say that I am smart and intelligent. But I am confident enough to say that I have enough experience as I had lived in several countries and cities during my growing stage. And these experiences had formed me to be an individual who is very open minded in any aspects. I also went through so many things that I should not have experienced on that particular age. From being open minded, we could go anywhere we want. Be smart, be intelligent, be wise, be independent, and many other stage we could step into. And I must have a partner who at least is at the same stage as me, or even much better than it is. She asked me whether I already have the candidate. In fact, I do have. So I told her a short story about him, how sometimes he is there, and most of the time he just gone and nowhere to find him.
Minutes went by, and we shared a lot of things. But what I am going to emphasize here is not the content of our conversation, but the meaning behind of this event. As I wrote in my last few post before, I was telling myself that I am giving up. Giving up to find the right person for I’m being the right me when I am with him. With everything that is going on with my dad, my love life, my current situation, I could not see the the light in the end of the road. So I told God along with the despair on my breath, that if God had put me through these, so I assumed that He just doesn’t have the plan for me to find the right one. So I learned to live by my own, twisting my brain to get settled on my own. Like … forever. And I was so ready to throw away all my dream of being married and have a wonderful future family of my own. I had started actually, by denying my needs of having someone. So I took a huge step of the withdrawal in my daily life.
But then, a few weeks ago, when I was dismissed from the hospital, suddenly Da contacted Ma and set a plan to have dinner with both of us. On the next day, we were having dinner. Well, nothing to discussed, but Ma said that it was his way to apologize for his last actions. At the end of the dinner, he told me that he’s gonna pick me up next weekend and spending the whole day together with him. Just like old times. So basically we were reconciled when I was about to throw my trust away to a creature named “man”.
And then, came this event, when I and my colleague had this little talk, convinced me not to give up to find “the one”, and she told me not to giving up my dream away.
I was thinking, what is actually happen here? Somehow I see all of these as a sign from God to say that I should not give up, I should not throw my dream away, and how He would make everything right. One thing is still echoed on my mind when she said: “there will be a right time, when you need to meet someone, than you will meet your right one”. She said I just need to be patience, and wait for the perfect time to come. She is not a godly woman, but somehow her words hit the right spot in my heart. And from where the Faith comes, I believe that it came from God. God spoke through her, even we didn’t talk anything about “God is in charge”. But He actually is. Working behind the scene, just like Esther’s story.
I knew that the severe pain had brought me away from God. I just couldn’t face myself to deal with the pain again, so I live in a denial. And of course, along with the anger I bury for all this time. And I simply closed the door, locked it, and don’t want to deal with anything with it for the matter of time. But I also knew that in my deepest heart, I still believe that He will make everything right like the way everything was before. I knew that God won’t give up on me that easy. But I also knew that my logical thoughts demand for more evidence that I won’t get hurt again.
Like anyone wishes to be happy, I also have the wish to be happy. If anybody tell me that happiness is created, then tell me how to deal with the pain. If anybody tell me that the pain would go away through forgiveness, then tell me how to forgive yourself.
But as for me now, I am still hoping that if God wants me to keeping my dream, He will show me some other things that I need to see.