Ignorance is a bliss, in this cruel society

Why do people tend to easily judge others?

I’m organizing my monthly data sheet for the coming audit, since there is nothing to do at work today. Literally, nothing. Seriously. And my “cubicle neighbor” is packing up his stuffs since today is his last day at work. He’s resigning from the company. I put earphones to both of my ears, listening to some music. But still, I can see him clearing up his cubicle from the corner of my eyes, as well as listen to the noise he makes while tidying up his table. Then suddenly it hit my mind all the moments me and him, as a partner, as my senior, had gone through. As I wrote on the previous posts about issues which involve both of us that finally made him decided to go on resignation, suddenly I recalled all the things he ever mentioned to me. All the things that he said which made me lost my confidence and at some point, I believed all the things he said rather than my own judgment about myself.

I came back to Indonesia from abroad in order to find the person I lost after the severe break up, not to impose myself even more. But somehow, God put me into another battle.

One thing I clearly remember is the statement he kept use against my emotional states: “you are so grumpy”. He felt that I rarely greet people. He even told me that there were rumors in the office that I am unfriendly. A new girl in the office whom rarely smile or even greet people, especially to the adjoining team. I reflected myself and questioning myself whether I am that ruthless, hard-faced kind of woman. And at some point, I believed that I am not a kind person. So I shut myself off.

My point of being vicious was to set a decisive boundary line, that I am not that kind of person who can everybody teased every single time. I might be very welcome and friendly to people, but I also want to set a limit in how far people could tease me and how big my tolerance is if the cross the limit. But certain people just don’t understand that kind of standard. They tend to judge and talk behind the back.

While I’m writing this, I keep thinking, do people really need to be grouped in terms of intelligence? Or is it that we all are actually equal as a social being who needs everybody from different backgrounds in order to survive? I often see when managers hang out with another managerial employees, and most of the time they don’t invite their subordinates to hang out with them. I often see smart people befriended with smart or even high-experienced individuals. And those who lives in the lower caste of socials, associate with those who think the same as them. And finally, everybody stuck. But only individuals who aware that they need to develop to reach a better life, they have certain thoughts to find a way to cross the line, to go out of their comfort zone. I reach into conclusion that high-level individuals just want to protect their species, without any system being disrupted by another group that they don’t belong to the pointed group. Humans also tend to underestimated people who they think stand bellow their level when they spot where they stand in one community.

Those things are what I observe from my surroundings. From what I see and understand, I learned not to behave as an irritating individual. I never meant to look down on people, but I just want to set my limit where other people could go into some area in my life, and where they cannot go. But then people with less experience thought that I am so arrogant. Yes, I am so hard to be approached, but in fact that I am so easy to be a friend, as long as someone respect and understand my boundaries I set. But there will always be some people who wouldn’t agree with the value you live in. There is a Yin and the Yang in one circle of life. When you are a white, you will always be faced with a black. And when you become black, you will always see some white people that live the opposite as what you live in.

I learned that it’s life.

I was so sensitive before and I was thinking that I couldn’t accept that. But I also learned that you don’t need to accept that, you just need to pass it, as you walk in a street, you are passing by a person you don’t know and you ignore them and walk away. Yes. That is how you need to live in this cruel and unfair society. To survive.

But never forget, that somewhere, someplace, there are always be people who wants you more than the community where you put in. And they are extremely kind and loving and understand you for who you are.

Ignorance is a bliss. Indeed it is.

Dream

You know that feeling, when you don’t have any idea what you really want, when you have nothing to excite you, when you easily got bored for many things around you, for things you’ve been regularly doing, but you still need to live the life. Right? You tried so many things to replace the emptiness in your daily activities. You tried so hard to fill in the blanks. Such as, going to the gym, like, everyday. And then watching TV series. And then read some detective books and sharpen your mind to be as brilliant as Sherlock Holmes instead of letting your mind to go on void. And then there is a day in a week you meet with your best friends, or with some old friends, hanging out in a cafe and talk a lot of things. And there are some of weeks that filled your weekends with regular old activities, such as going to church and rehearse and sing and serve onstage. And some of those weekends filled with the evening which full of laughter when you are going out with your new friends. But, that’s it. Nothing seems so special that could brings your heart beat fasts. They are just routines. “Bored, bored, bored”, say Holmes when no case such a crime appears. Well, I’m no different with him, love adventures, love challenging environment. And that is the moment when I realize that I need something new. Forget boyfriend, forget money. I don’t look into them anymore. It’s all about something that I need to do, something that I could enjoy.

I stick a small postcard I got from one of Joyce Meyer’s monthly mail on the mirror, so every time I look at myself in the mirror the moment I wake up or get ready, I automatically read the paper. It’s written: “tell me, what is your dream”. What is my dream? After God shattered my dreams through broken relationships, a broken family, broken childhood dream, broken hearts and broken loves, I was lost. Those things changed me. I’m in a stage where I need to get up again and reform things I had lost in the past few years. And of course, finding my true and only lifelong dream. And every time I look at that stick postcard, I’m asking myself, try to find the answer within me: “what do I really want? What is the purpose of me live?”.

And then there was one day I found these lines on Pinterest. It’s perfectly written and made me think for the whole weekend: “I’m not sure what I’ll do, well, I want to go places and see people. I want my mind to grow. I want to live where things happen on a big scale – F. Scott Fitzgerald”. Those particular lines describe what’s stuck on my mind perfectly. And suddenly I was filled with a heart full of conviction that it is what I want to have in this circle of life. I want out. Out of my comfort zone, where everything is provided, where everything is not about struggles, where the environment feels so great and all you want to do is to lazily wake up every morning, where routines filled your working days and leisure times. I want to live outside of this country. Find a nice job somewhere in Western countries or in developed countries, go jogging on a city park, sit on a roadside cafe while reading a book and have a nice breakfast with a cup of English tea, and then I’m gonna head home and have a nice bath to welcome a day full of enjoyment. What could be more beautiful than that? It does not mean that I hate my country, but I just knew that I can’t live here for certain reasons.

I remember the moments when I lived in Singapore and Malaysia. I was all alone, struggling things by my own. Troubles and conflicts did not leave my side, nor you, of course, everywhere I go, they will always there. But it was not about the troubles I faced that depressed me, but it’s the things to calm me down that made me alive. Things did happen on a bigger scale. I need to develop. More. Beyond my limit.

I attended this church group meeting on the middle of the week few weeks ago. The leader of the group said: “it is a scuffle when you really want to have something for your life, but it doesn’t seem that God wants to fulfill”. Well I don’t know if God will allow me to go out and have that kind of life’s adventure in a foreign country, experience new things and meeting new people. But that is my prayer. Everybody keeps saying: “when God shatters your dream, He will replace you a new one”. But the questions is, am I dreaming the right one? If not, then what is?

.dua kata, tanda seru

Tak satu kata pun keluar dari sisipan bibir ini

Ketika dahulu segala sesuatu yang tercurah keluar melaluinya

Namun kini ia terkatup rapat

Dan tak lagi mengenal kata-kata

Begitu banyak ungkapan hati yang diucapkan ketika hari tersebut tiba

Dengan cinta, di kecupnya awal dan akhir malam

Dengan cinta, doa demi doa dikemas dengan sempurna

Dengan cinta, kebahagiaan menghiasi  ruang waktu

Namun kau sejauh langkah tak terhingga

Jika aku berpesan dalam kata-kata

Tak akan disampaikan oleh angin pula

Jika aku berpesan dalam doa

Tak akan dikabulkan olehNya pula

Jadi apa guna aku berusaha?

Karena dari semua ujung dunia yang ada menentangku

Dari semua ujung dunia telah mengenali siapa sosok topeng yang aku kenakan

Tapi penghuni ruang hati tahu apa yang digemakan olehnya hari kian hari

Terutama ketika hari itu terasa begitu hampa, kosong

Melalui hembusan angin, biar nafasku dikirimkan olehnya

Dan biarkanlah yang tersembunyi..

..tetap tersembunyi melalui doa dibalik isi hati terpendam.

This is the story of how I had moved on

Last Sunday..

I was back in my hometown. Just an ordinary Sunday. Went to the church where I usually go, I was there, sitting alone at the second level of the building, waiting for the hour for me to join with the others and get ready for the second service. No one was there yet, so it just came through my mind, my memory the moment I looked around the surrounding. I was so drown in doubt for myself. “Have I moved on?”, when some people keep telling me that I haven’t, and how they keep pushing me to the edge by saying: “you better get settle and move on fast”. Without anybody becomes my mirror, I instantly assumed that I have not moved on from anything, not a single step I made it forward. But then, when I was thinking about it deeply, I realized that what others said, was wrong. photo

 

 

 

Still remember the moment when you were sitting there, at the corner of the rear seat. You were not alone, or should I say, you preferred not to be alone, “so nobody would suspect me anything”. You were so cold, you were so distant. I should’ve be aware of what will it led us to. It was the moment when we were fighting, and when it was going to be over. But yet, God gave us a second chance. A second chance when He finally showed, that it was never meant to work. I still remember the pain you put through me, and how I went into hell by living it. But somehow, I passed it. I passed it by going through the denials as well as rigors. And by me sitting there, the glimpse of those memories suddenly appeared. That second I sat there, looked at behind of the place where you were used to sat, I felt no pain anymore. And those rows now just become an ordinary rows where anybody could sit, and you are no longer become a shadow at the corner of my eyes. And this is the story how I had moved on. How that pain, was no longer felt here, in my heart, the moment everything just came through my memory, even the moment when I tried to remember it. Some might still haunting me, and most of the things, they just blend together with the air I blew. It’s true when people said that the pain you experience, it will be gone without you even realizing it. You just need one thing: to feel the pain, so it then slowly will become invulnerable. That’s when your heart getting stronger. There is no benefit in avoiding the pain, because you will meet it again someday eventually. So I tried to divert the feeling of being pressured by the pain and get depressed, to something else, something worthy to be gained. Without I noticed the positive changes I gained towards the path (the muscle through the regular work out), the pain went away. And I then, I found myself there, had actually moved on for quite some time. Able to eat or drink the foods or beverages that I used to love or consumed, able to visit to the place I used to go, able to passing the place I used to pass without having to get any glimpse of memories..