You know that feeling, when you don’t have any idea what you really want, when you have nothing to excite you, when you easily got bored for many things around you, for things you’ve been regularly doing, but you still need to live the life. Right? You tried so many things to replace the emptiness in your daily activities. You tried so hard to fill in the blanks. Such as, going to the gym, like, everyday. And then watching TV series. And then read some detective books and sharpen your mind to be as brilliant as Sherlock Holmes instead of letting your mind to go on void. And then there is a day in a week you meet with your best friends, or with some old friends, hanging out in a cafe and talk a lot of things. And there are some of weeks that filled your weekends with regular old activities, such as going to church and rehearse and sing and serve onstage. And some of those weekends filled with the evening which full of laughter when you are going out with your new friends. But, that’s it. Nothing seems so special that could brings your heart beat fasts. They are just routines. “Bored, bored, bored”, say Holmes when no case such a crime appears. Well, I’m no different with him, love adventures, love challenging environment. And that is the moment when I realize that I need something new. Forget boyfriend, forget money. I don’t look into them anymore. It’s all about something that I need to do, something that I could enjoy.
I stick a small postcard I got from one of Joyce Meyer’s monthly mail on the mirror, so every time I look at myself in the mirror the moment I wake up or get ready, I automatically read the paper. It’s written: “tell me, what is your dream”. What is my dream? After God shattered my dreams through broken relationships, a broken family, broken childhood dream, broken hearts and broken loves, I was lost. Those things changed me. I’m in a stage where I need to get up again and reform things I had lost in the past few years. And of course, finding my true and only lifelong dream. And every time I look at that stick postcard, I’m asking myself, try to find the answer within me: “what do I really want? What is the purpose of me live?”.
And then there was one day I found these lines on Pinterest. It’s perfectly written and made me think for the whole weekend: “I’m not sure what I’ll do, well, I want to go places and see people. I want my mind to grow. I want to live where things happen on a big scale – F. Scott Fitzgerald”. Those particular lines describe what’s stuck on my mind perfectly. And suddenly I was filled with a heart full of conviction that it is what I want to have in this circle of life. I want out. Out of my comfort zone, where everything is provided, where everything is not about struggles, where the environment feels so great and all you want to do is to lazily wake up every morning, where routines filled your working days and leisure times. I want to live outside of this country. Find a nice job somewhere in Western countries or in developed countries, go jogging on a city park, sit on a roadside cafe while reading a book and have a nice breakfast with a cup of English tea, and then I’m gonna head home and have a nice bath to welcome a day full of enjoyment. What could be more beautiful than that? It does not mean that I hate my country, but I just knew that I can’t live here for certain reasons.
I remember the moments when I lived in Singapore and Malaysia. I was all alone, struggling things by my own. Troubles and conflicts did not leave my side, nor you, of course, everywhere I go, they will always there. But it was not about the troubles I faced that depressed me, but it’s the things to calm me down that made me alive. Things did happen on a bigger scale. I need to develop. More. Beyond my limit.
I attended this church group meeting on the middle of the week few weeks ago. The leader of the group said: “it is a scuffle when you really want to have something for your life, but it doesn’t seem that God wants to fulfill”. Well I don’t know if God will allow me to go out and have that kind of life’s adventure in a foreign country, experience new things and meeting new people. But that is my prayer. Everybody keeps saying: “when God shatters your dream, He will replace you a new one”. But the questions is, am I dreaming the right one? If not, then what is?