General

Passion

It’s been 2 weeks I haven’t written any post here. A lot had happened, I should’ve share them here. I just had not got the time to write anything!

I’ve been occupied with so many things lately. Work has the biggest portion of it. Well, actually I C O U L D really spare some time to write. But I was too tired already when I got home, and when I am at office, there were too many things to handle. And also during the working hours I got so many meetings outside the office, while during the resting time, I would use it to get my mind busy with activities such as exercising or watching TV series as a refreshment. My weekends? Well, the last 2 weekends I was occupied with overtime work till 9.00PM (crazy isn’t it?), and I went to Belitong with my workmates (I had fun as well as got too exhausted since we went after a week of overtime). I will share my experience while I was there on the next post =)

Anyway, I just want to share what I had discovered during the missing 2 weeks I did not exist in this virtual world.

As I shared in the few post that I am in the phase where I am really really get lost in what I truly want to do, what my dream is, what kind of future that I want to live in, I did a lot of thinking. I thought that by living what I have now without doing so much thinking would be so much easy and all the burdens will feel so much lighter. It indeed is. But then, I got so bored and my mind got stuck! And I’m drowned into a big dark hole of depression. Because this is about me, trying to find something about my life, my passion, my dream, my future, it definitely has to be me that make a turn before everything is going too far and too late to fix things. I did made a lot of mistakes, especially when it was about making big decisions in how my days ahead are going to be. God gave us the freewill, we are entitled to make our own decision, walking on our own decided path. And once we walk on the wrong decided path, the loads of consequences are mostly torture us in the foreseeable future.

I had walked on that road.

And it changed me.

So I took a step to think about it. Every time I was thinking about it, I asked God: “what, God. What should I do, how should I be?”.

I did cry a lot. Every time I took a step inside of my 7×10 feet room, I felt like I am imprisoned and no room to grow. I know that it’s a physical look. But by living in that size of room, my mind would also goes where my body lives through nights. Sometimes when my day is so exhausting, I wish that someone could welcome me and ask me how was my day. But not even a family I could find in any corners.

Until one day, few days ago to be exact, I was invited to the opening ceremony of the biggest IT exhibition in Indonesia, Indocomtech, by the Chairman of the event’s host. I am pretty close with him, as his group always using our data as their references to speak in many press conferences. I went with my Boss, two of us, fascinated by the performance of the opening dance in front of the Minister of Telecommunication and few of the host’s supreme heads. Somehow, I was excited watching the beautiful moves of the dancers, following the rhythm of the playing music on the side of the stage.

From that moment, I realized what my passion is.

It’s art.

Oh, I knew it! I should have attended art school. I had a dream since I was child, to be an architect, because I was addicted to drawing. Too bad I had not gotten enough support from my family to sharpen my art skill from the very beginning of my age, and it’s just lost.

Before I went to Singapore to continue my study in a higher-degree, I was planned to be an interior designer. A lot of interior books bought. I did applied to some of design schools in Canada, but was rejected because my portfolios were still using ruler to draw a room’s composition. So I gave up and then I enrolled to a Hospitality and Tourism major, the one that I really did not understand what it was about. And then I made another mistake on the second chance. Without knowing what do I really want, I applied to a Business school in Malaysia, minoring in Entrepreneurship, where that time, I was thinking to apply to design school. But I lost my confident to be a designer.

On the way back to the office, my Boss asked me: “do you like music?”. I eagerly replied: “a lot, Sir!”. Just yesterday, I got a bad news, that my bass guitar, Yamaha RBX A2, had officially gone missing. I brought it back from Malaysia to here, and it was lost on the way here, the baggage never appeared on the belt. So I reported it, and the airlines just confirmed that they couldn’t find it anywhere in the world! I was really sad. I had my guitar in my room at the boarding house, and sometimes I play it when I feel like want to let something out, because they said: “musicians paint their feelings through music”. I sing when I’m taking a shower, but I listen to the music, brought my iPad or iPhone with music played on the background into the bathroom when I’m feeling down or broken, because they said: “music heals”. I play piano, random notes, when I couldn’t let my feelings out, and I listen to every drum or bass beats when I listen to the music, and how they are able to make my body move wherever I am without shame. I even listen to the music, and never took the earphones off during working hours. I draw random pictures when I got bored in a meeting filled with a lot of people, and I took longer time to take a look pictures rather than reading articles. I am so addicted to writing as I am doing know, sharing things and writing various things into this blog. I am willing to go through heavy domains just to take great views with my SLR, get sunburned, and carry so much weight. I could sit the whole day without moving my butt off to edit the photos I took from my camera (rather than auditing data =P). I am not an expert in musical instruments or any kind of arts, but they are my breath, art is.

I believe that’s what we called it “PASSION”.

Yes. I now had found my passion is. I really want to work in an art industry. I have no idea yet what kind of work would suits my background (which is Business), but I certainly would try hard to find it. I don’t want to make another mistake, particularly regarding my own future. I started to think of myself right now. Perhaps, other women would think that eventually every women would leave the professional world and get more focused in taking care of their families. As for me, since I don’t really bother a lot about getting marriage anymore, I really want to make my future to be wonderful, full of hopes and fulfilled dreams.

You should ass well, chasing your dream, what you are passionate about =)

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General

Cutting the last tie

It was Monday afternoon.

I was sitting with my Boss in a corner cafe at the office block. Just finished meeting with one of our partner, we took a short afternoon break while eating a snack before we had back to the office. Well, it was nearly the end of office hour. I think my Boss just wanted to kill the time, so when we head back to the office, we will go straightaway to home. We had some talk, discussing the issues raised during the meeting. And then, of course, there was some silent moments when he needed to made some calls and replying messages that came through to his phone. During those silence, I took my phone, looking to my most open social media applications, such as Path and Instagram. A glimpse of thought crossed my mind to open his profile, the one I once loved so much and took me a long time to recover. One thing I was surprised when I opened Path and went to the “add friends” tab. He was always be the first on the “suggested friend” lists, since he and I were connected with the most common friends. But that moment, he was no longer on the top list, nor in any list shown. It was really strange, since as far as I knew we were still connected with the same number of common friends.

That was how I realize, God wants me to forget about him, cut all the ties I still have, even if it’s just a slight one.

I am aware that lately I had my mind fully occupied with so many things. Work – fixing the messed up work that my senior partner was left before he was resigned; personal life – tried to find out what I really want in life so I won’t feel this bored for most of the times; future – look for a way to go out the country again and settle there; distraction – from wanting so much of having a boyfriend because by having one is not solving any problem. Until I put a busy status on my BBM, because it explained how busy my mind is these days, trying to find something that could make my life become more exiting than going through routines.

Through tears and pain in my heart, I keep telling myself that even I’m alone, doing things alone, going somewhere alone, I don’t need anybody. But the truth is, everybody needs somebody. I was just trying to deny what I really need. Sometimes, it’s just easier to deny rather than to live with the truth. But somewhere in your heart knew, that you recognize there’s a reality to be accepted. The reality that every living person in this earth, needs someone to lean on. And when you try to deny it over and over again, you’ll end up hurting yourself.

It was like God talking to me through an event, that God wanted me to rely on Him, and not focusing on having someone on my side. Well, I would say “a boyfriend” as the closest relationship I could ever think of. But I realized that it’s not necessarily having a boyfriend, but instead a partner in your daily life. But I am alone. No friends or close friends to get hanged out on weekends or weekday evenings after work. Sometimes I pity myself of being alone. From there, I go on blaming myself, thinking that that is my fault. And I end up keeping God away from my heart. Without seeing him become the top list on the common friends on Path, I see how I should erase his name from the Instagram “search for a name” list. So I did. I should not type his name anymore into the “search for a name” on Instagram and take a look at his activities, where he went, what he ate, or whom he was with because me and him were over since a long time ago. Before, I was still thinking: “after all these times, Path is still the one which connected us to each other”, because I see you every time I click “add friends” tab. But now, there is no more.

As I told Ma about how I missed us working together during big events at church in the town so I couldn’t bear to attend them, Ma told me that she’s never seeing him or even a part of his family anymore in the church. Ma understood and knew what I’ve been buried about his memories. I don’t know why exactly, but perhaps, I know one of the possible answer.

Let’s say that my assumption is true.

During the moments of desperation, somehow I am still able to say, that the “I will always love you” statement, will always be true. But perhaps, love does not always mean to have a happy ending. Perhaps it is meant to teach us something worth to learn. Perhaps it is meant to prepare us for something bigger. Perhaps it is meant to lead us to our purest and truest love, which one day, if God has set the time right, we will meet and bonded by the vow, while right now, there’s a lot to be fixed within me and my life.

And right now, there are a lot of things to be thought of than having a boyfriend.

General

Solitude is the moment when the most lessons learned

Solitude …

The most lessons you can get is when you are alone.

This morning I attended a church service in the largest charismatic church in the city, as each week I would go if I’m not going back to the hometown. To be honest, somehow, I felt like I did not want to go to the church. I felt like it was pretty heavy for me to praise and worship God during the singing songs. So yes, the burden became heavier when I entered the hall which was already filled with thousands of people waiting for the service to be started. I met one of my DATE (community cell in the church) member that on the duty, she hugged me, told me how she missed me for the past few DATE meetings, and asked me who was I with. I told her that I was alone. She suggested to call another members so I could sit together with them rather than sitting alone. As I walked down on the aisle, looking for the best spot to sit, I ignored her advice. I just wanted to be alone that moment. I didn’t call anybody, and I found out I was sitting alone at the corner of the hall, near the moving camera.

I did not know or understand why, but I just wanted to be alone today. Da promised me to contact me and we’ll gonna have a short meeting, a lunch perhaps, after the church. But along the way to the church, I told him that I just wanted to be alone today. It was just so not me, cancelled a lunch meeting with Da.

And then, the service started. During the praise and worship, I did not feel like I wanted to lift my hand, or sing with an uttermost voice I had. I just kept my arms folded in front of my chest. Unexpectedly, I shed a tear. I tried to hold it, but eventually it came down on my cheek, and dripped on my folded arms. That moment, this morning, I can’t sing. Because the tears won’t stop. It was not because of the lyrics, it was not because of the problems that keep bothering my mind, it was not because of all the emotions that flew out. Though I had my faith dwindle, somehow from the deepest part of my heart, I believe, it was because God touched my heart. And I heard Him talking to the little girl inside of me who’ve been sleeping in the small dark room for these whole time. I did not really hear what He was talking, but I believe, He was trying to comfort her that has been scared to go out and play on the field, welcoming the brightly shinning sun.

Maybe that is why my world seems gloomy these times.

The sermon was also sending me a message, that there is still a hope, in God. There always is.

I was too tired to go around on the mall. Well I guess that it is how emotions affect your physical strength. So I went back without having a lunch. I took a short nap. A quality one, because after I woke up, I felt a little bit more refreshed. Emotionally. In the evening, I went to the gym, and then I did groceries for my meal plan towards the coming week. When I was on the gym, at the end of my exercise, I was taking a 15 minutes sauna. Inside of that heat box, I kept thinking, tried to find answers. And I did.

I did know why I did not go back to the town and attend the special musical event at my church, instead I chose to be alone here.

I did know why I sometimes got angry of myself without any reason for these past few weeks.

I did know why I built such a thick wall around me which also has built a huge gap between me and God.

I did know why I got so silent, but my mind wouldn’t stay so.

I did know why I withdrew.

I did know why I was so confused and feeling uncertain for most of the times.

That moment, when I couldn’t stop my crying at church, and when I felt His presence in my heart, He got things opened to me. In my imagination, I saw what have been troubling me.

It’s the dream that dies.

The pain I keep and won’t let go.

The hope that vanishes.

The bridge I don’t cross because I am too afraid what I might find at the end of there.

The walls I keep building.

The broken trusts that I keep holding onto.

The running, instead of walking slowly to recharge in times of exhaustion.

Being alone is not that bad, huh? These much I got answers. I’m not saying that once I found out the answers, that means I know what to do. I still do not know what to do. I only knew, from a long time ago, that we can only hang on to God, the strongest Pillar.

But I learned a lot of things from a whole day without saying 20,000 words (women), or even 7,000 words (men). Perhaps, I only talked not more than 100 words today.

A lot of homework to do. I can only pray: “if You, God, put me in this, please, give me strength and ability to let me through this”.

Because if God has trusted us that much to bear what He has put in our lives, He should be the One who help us through everything, He should be the One who let us out no matter what lessons He meant to teach us.

General

Pain and forgiveness

After all this time, I thought that we could take a moment to breath to forgive. But the fact is, you cannot take a break from getting hurt. You cannot not get hurt. That’s why you need to forgive. Constantly. Too hard? Then you just need to force yourself to forgive those who hurt you. It’s the only thing God gave no choice to all of us.

I’m saying this, it doesn’t mean that I’m already through past pain. It doesn’t mean that I have won through bitterness. As a matter of fact, it’s the hardest thing in my life. I have a long list of people in my life that need to be forgiven. Whether they severely hurt me, or it is me become too sensitive at some points. For those who severely hurt me, they might do something terrible and I got hurt by their wrongdoings. While some other, it’s because of my high expectation that leads me to the point where I am hurting myself. So it’s about the disappointment towards unfulfilled wishes. Most of the time, I end up getting hurt before the previous pain even healed. I haven’t been through the pain, but one after another pain continuously attack me. And then they’re eaten up my confidence. That’s how I shut myself down.

Because of the pain, I’ve given up my dream..

Because of the pain I’ve given up my hope of having a life-partner..

Because of the pain I’ve given up my strong character..

Because of the pain I’ve changed to be someone I don’t even know anymore..

It’s because of the past pain, I gave up everything as I’m thinking: “there is no other way in which I can live the days without pain or bitterness”.

The truth is we could never avoid pain in our lives. We are interacting with another social beings, with humans, who are imperfect. Most of them are not sensitive, of course they cannot know our thoughts or wishes, or even hopes towards them. My ex once said: “tell me what you want or need, because I cannot know or understand what do you want or need from me”. And it ended up in a break up. The point I’m trying to make is, even our closest person, the one that everybody says understand and know us best, is not a psychic. Even to guess, it’s also very risky as the chance to get wrong is very high. And then, it may lead to another party’s disappointment.

Pain also has built a huge gap between me and God. When I worshiped Him at the charismatic church I attend in the city, I did it wholeheartedly. I often hear Him call my name. But when I’m at home, I don’t pray before I go to bed as I always did. I don’t read bible every night as I used to. I don’t say grace when I wake up in the morning anymore. I do still believe in Him, during my silence or when I am alone, I often talk with Him, like a simple prayer.

I knew if I talk about how I build such a wall towards God to my friends, most of them would judge me. “You shouldn’t do that”, “you should keep your relationship with God”, “that is so wrong”, and all the blame, and the “you should-” things that only make me build a thicker wall around me. So I keep silent (though I knew that by writing this here, someone might read it – but I don’t care what you are thinking or if you judge me – but I only need someone to provide me an open ear, and reading this with an open mind). I am very aware that by being away from God, doesn’t solve anything, it doesn’t make you not getting hurt anymore, it doesn’t make you never feel any pain anymore, and I am very aware that pain and bitterness only can be healed by God alone. But you know why I’m making such gap? Because I am so afraid, when I ask for circumstances to support my back, all I get is another painful experience, as my last one, or even the one before last one, or even the last three one. I am so afraid when I ask God not to add another burden on my shoulder when I am carrying another burdens, all I get is another additional burden. I am not ready, God, for another troubles. All I asked is a moment to breath from everything I’ve been through.

And I hear You calling, God, because from the deepest of my heart, I knew, that I need You. But I am just too afraid to believe that something really beautiful would come up on my journey. The wall I constantly build is not only separate me from my surroundings, but also from God.

You knew that you need to forgive, because forgiveness is a choice. I am also aware of that. But at some points, I am not ready to forgive some people under some circumstances.

And it is a choice, that you forgive yourself. Sometimes you got angry to simple little things. You thought that you just had a bad day. You thought that it’s your hormones talk rather than your logical thinking. You thought that someone really annoys you and you got angry because of that inappropriate action towards you. But as a matter of fact, it’s because all these times, you are angry of yourself. Trying to find someone or something to be blamed, but there are none. People had moved on, they forget. But not you.

The worst pain in your life is not the pain you feel because someone hurt you. But because you are hurting yourself by not forgiving yourself.

General

Gosh~!

Thursday, 4.33PM, my cubicle.

Oh God.. I just wanna get back to my hometown.. As fast as I could. I don’t want to work over time. I just want to rushing back to the pool, get into the bus, and sleep, and wake up when I reach the city.

These few days have been quite a day for me. A tough one. I was sick on early of this week. When my friend from Bandung visited me in the city during the weekend, we went out for the full day. And I got too tired, and I caught a cold. And this week is my first “relieving” week for me, as that annoying partner had gone. For good. It was quite a peaceful moment as I occupied with bunch of work. I would prefer to be fully occupied rather than being idle. Though I was sick, but I enjoyed my solitude. Well, I guess “fully independent” is who and what I am. I enjoy every bit of it.

Anyway, back to the focus here. Most of the times, interacting with my current colleagues seem to be the most tiring thing. In the next few weeks, oh gosh, I’m gonna have a company outing, which I would prefer not to come as I knew a lot of energy would be absorbed when I am with them.

Why? That’s a good question, and that is the reason I would like to unload my burdens in this post.

One of them has a fluctuate mood. When she has a rough day, when she hates her colleague, when she is burden with a lot of work, she will get fed-up and then all that emotions or angers are transferred to me. Sometimes we are so close. But in some other times, we are so distant.

Another one does not has respect towards me. Most of the times I am treated arbitrarily, and all people should follow what she wants. If not, she will get upset.

Another one closes his eyes on me, as I don’t exist.

Another one underestimates me. When I push him to do what he does and get the schedule on time, he never feel what I ask to him is that important.

Another one doesn’t believe me that I could do something bigger.

Another one always argue with me.

And then, there was none. I got no friend at work. But that’s okay with me. Because I would prefer to befriended with my own computer and works, and then when I am finish, I would go to the gym to release all the emotions.

And I would prefer silence, because silence is what I need, the one and only cover. Silence protects me.

That’s why I would prefer to be alone during these days. Imagine, that my days at work are that exhausting. I might become too sensitive. But what can I do if I am an individual formed with emotions that can feel the empathy so deep until I am able to touch everyone’s hearts when they feel certain feelings.

And I have not been gone back to my hometown, where a house feels like a home, for few weeks. And I miss, I miss my hometown, although a lot of bitter things feeding me off when I am there, but still, it is the only place I know I would always love and miss during hard days and hard times like these. I knew it’s the only place where I could rest during weekends, or day-offs. Though my friends have been gone, but they are still there, their hearts are still there for me, with me.

And especially Ma.

At this time I would say that I am gonna cry, while writing this. Because until this time, 5.01PM, there is something I need to finish before I take off, heading to Bandung, since I am taking a day off tomorrow. I booked a travel to Bandung for three different schedules. 7PM, 8PM, and 9PM, because I don’t know when exactly I could finish this stupid work. The thing is that this work is hampered because I am waiting for my colleague to finish his part, and my part is to check his work and then release the data to be sent to the client. But he is so slow, and, gosh … I really couldn’t work in this country. The laziness .. I couldn’t stand for it.

I am this upset because I really want to get on the travel on the earliest schedule I booked, that is 7PM. And the earliest I get on board, the earlier I reach my hometown. I really need, really need to breath the air of my secure zone. Please God, let me breath freely.

And I just don’t know, I don’t know why and why and why God allows me to experience this kind of thing, when I really really really need to break.