After all this time, I thought that we could take a moment to breath to forgive. But the fact is, you cannot take a break from getting hurt. You cannot not get hurt. That’s why you need to forgive. Constantly. Too hard? Then you just need to force yourself to forgive those who hurt you. It’s the only thing God gave no choice to all of us.
I’m saying this, it doesn’t mean that I’m already through past pain. It doesn’t mean that I have won through bitterness. As a matter of fact, it’s the hardest thing in my life. I have a long list of people in my life that need to be forgiven. Whether they severely hurt me, or it is me become too sensitive at some points. For those who severely hurt me, they might do something terrible and I got hurt by their wrongdoings. While some other, it’s because of my high expectation that leads me to the point where I am hurting myself. So it’s about the disappointment towards unfulfilled wishes. Most of the time, I end up getting hurt before the previous pain even healed. I haven’t been through the pain, but one after another pain continuously attack me. And then they’re eaten up my confidence. That’s how I shut myself down.
Because of the pain, I’ve given up my dream..
Because of the pain I’ve given up my hope of having a life-partner..
Because of the pain I’ve given up my strong character..
Because of the pain I’ve changed to be someone I don’t even know anymore..
It’s because of the past pain, I gave up everything as I’m thinking: “there is no other way in which I can live the days without pain or bitterness”.
The truth is we could never avoid pain in our lives. We are interacting with another social beings, with humans, who are imperfect. Most of them are not sensitive, of course they cannot know our thoughts or wishes, or even hopes towards them. My ex once said: “tell me what you want or need, because I cannot know or understand what do you want or need from me”. And it ended up in a break up. The point I’m trying to make is, even our closest person, the one that everybody says understand and know us best, is not a psychic. Even to guess, it’s also very risky as the chance to get wrong is very high. And then, it may lead to another party’s disappointment.
Pain also has built a huge gap between me and God. When I worshiped Him at the charismatic church I attend in the city, I did it wholeheartedly. I often hear Him call my name. But when I’m at home, I don’t pray before I go to bed as I always did. I don’t read bible every night as I used to. I don’t say grace when I wake up in the morning anymore. I do still believe in Him, during my silence or when I am alone, I often talk with Him, like a simple prayer.
I knew if I talk about how I build such a wall towards God to my friends, most of them would judge me. “You shouldn’t do that”, “you should keep your relationship with God”, “that is so wrong”, and all the blame, and the “you should-” things that only make me build a thicker wall around me. So I keep silent (though I knew that by writing this here, someone might read it – but I don’t care what you are thinking or if you judge me – but I only need someone to provide me an open ear, and reading this with an open mind). I am very aware that by being away from God, doesn’t solve anything, it doesn’t make you not getting hurt anymore, it doesn’t make you never feel any pain anymore, and I am very aware that pain and bitterness only can be healed by God alone. But you know why I’m making such gap? Because I am so afraid, when I ask for circumstances to support my back, all I get is another painful experience, as my last one, or even the one before last one, or even the last three one. I am so afraid when I ask God not to add another burden on my shoulder when I am carrying another burdens, all I get is another additional burden. I am not ready, God, for another troubles. All I asked is a moment to breath from everything I’ve been through.
And I hear You calling, God, because from the deepest of my heart, I knew, that I need You. But I am just too afraid to believe that something really beautiful would come up on my journey. The wall I constantly build is not only separate me from my surroundings, but also from God.
You knew that you need to forgive, because forgiveness is a choice. I am also aware of that. But at some points, I am not ready to forgive some people under some circumstances.
And it is a choice, that you forgive yourself. Sometimes you got angry to simple little things. You thought that you just had a bad day. You thought that it’s your hormones talk rather than your logical thinking. You thought that someone really annoys you and you got angry because of that inappropriate action towards you. But as a matter of fact, it’s because all these times, you are angry of yourself. Trying to find someone or something to be blamed, but there are none. People had moved on, they forget. But not you.
The worst pain in your life is not the pain you feel because someone hurt you. But because you are hurting yourself by not forgiving yourself.