The most lessons you can get is when you are alone.
This morning I attended a church service in the largest charismatic church in the city, as each week I would go if I’m not going back to the hometown. To be honest, somehow, I felt like I did not want to go to the church. I felt like it was pretty heavy for me to praise and worship God during the singing songs. So yes, the burden became heavier when I entered the hall which was already filled with thousands of people waiting for the service to be started. I met one of my DATE (community cell in the church) member that on the duty, she hugged me, told me how she missed me for the past few DATE meetings, and asked me who was I with. I told her that I was alone. She suggested to call another members so I could sit together with them rather than sitting alone. As I walked down on the aisle, looking for the best spot to sit, I ignored her advice. I just wanted to be alone that moment. I didn’t call anybody, and I found out I was sitting alone at the corner of the hall, near the moving camera.
I did not know or understand why, but I just wanted to be alone today. Da promised me to contact me and we’ll gonna have a short meeting, a lunch perhaps, after the church. But along the way to the church, I told him that I just wanted to be alone today. It was just so not me, cancelled a lunch meeting with Da.
And then, the service started. During the praise and worship, I did not feel like I wanted to lift my hand, or sing with an uttermost voice I had. I just kept my arms folded in front of my chest. Unexpectedly, I shed a tear. I tried to hold it, but eventually it came down on my cheek, and dripped on my folded arms. That moment, this morning, I can’t sing. Because the tears won’t stop. It was not because of the lyrics, it was not because of the problems that keep bothering my mind, it was not because of all the emotions that flew out. Though I had my faith dwindle, somehow from the deepest part of my heart, I believe, it was because God touched my heart. And I heard Him talking to the little girl inside of me who’ve been sleeping in the small dark room for these whole time. I did not really hear what He was talking, but I believe, He was trying to comfort her that has been scared to go out and play on the field, welcoming the brightly shinning sun.
Maybe that is why my world seems gloomy these times.
The sermon was also sending me a message, that there is still a hope, in God. There always is.
I was too tired to go around on the mall. Well I guess that it is how emotions affect your physical strength. So I went back without having a lunch. I took a short nap. A quality one, because after I woke up, I felt a little bit more refreshed. Emotionally. In the evening, I went to the gym, and then I did groceries for my meal plan towards the coming week. When I was on the gym, at the end of my exercise, I was taking a 15 minutes sauna. Inside of that heat box, I kept thinking, tried to find answers. And I did.
I did know why I did not go back to the town and attend the special musical event at my church, instead I chose to be alone here.
I did know why I sometimes got angry of myself without any reason for these past few weeks.
I did know why I built such a thick wall around me which also has built a huge gap between me and God.
I did know why I got so silent, but my mind wouldn’t stay so.
I did know why I withdrew.
I did know why I was so confused and feeling uncertain for most of the times.
That moment, when I couldn’t stop my crying at church, and when I felt His presence in my heart, He got things opened to me. In my imagination, I saw what have been troubling me.
It’s the dream that dies.
The pain I keep and won’t let go.
The hope that vanishes.
The bridge I don’t cross because I am too afraid what I might find at the end of there.
The walls I keep building.
The broken trusts that I keep holding onto.
The running, instead of walking slowly to recharge in times of exhaustion.
Being alone is not that bad, huh? These much I got answers. I’m not saying that once I found out the answers, that means I know what to do. I still do not know what to do. I only knew, from a long time ago, that we can only hang on to God, the strongest Pillar.
But I learned a lot of things from a whole day without saying 20,000 words (women), or even 7,000 words (men). Perhaps, I only talked not more than 100 words today.
A lot of homework to do. I can only pray: “if You, God, put me in this, please, give me strength and ability to let me through this”.
Because if God has trusted us that much to bear what He has put in our lives, He should be the One who help us through everything, He should be the One who let us out no matter what lessons He meant to teach us.