Cutting the last tie

It was Monday afternoon.

I was sitting with my Boss in a corner cafe at the office block. Just finished meeting with one of our partner, we took a short afternoon break while eating a snack before we had back to the office. Well, it was nearly the end of office hour. I think my Boss just wanted to kill the time, so when we head back to the office, we will go straightaway to home. We had some talk, discussing the issues raised during the meeting. And then, of course, there was some silent moments when he needed to made some calls and replying messages that came through to his phone. During those silence, I took my phone, looking to my most open social media applications, such as Path and Instagram. A glimpse of thought crossed my mind to open his profile, the one I once loved so much and took me a long time to recover. One thing I was surprised when I opened Path and went to the “add friends” tab. He was always be the first on the “suggested friend” lists, since he and I were connected with the most common friends. But that moment, he was no longer on the top list, nor in any list shown. It was really strange, since as far as I knew we were still connected with the same number of common friends.

That was how I realize, God wants me to forget about him, cut all the ties I still have, even if it’s just a slight one.

I am aware that lately I had my mind fully occupied with so many things. Work – fixing the messed up work that my senior partner was left before he was resigned; personal life – tried to find out what I really want in life so I won’t feel this bored for most of the times; future – look for a way to go out the country again and settle there; distraction – from wanting so much of having a boyfriend because by having one is not solving any problem. Until I put a busy status on my BBM, because it explained how busy my mind is these days, trying to find something that could make my life become more exiting than going through routines.

Through tears and pain in my heart, I keep telling myself that even I’m alone, doing things alone, going somewhere alone, I don’t need anybody. But the truth is, everybody needs somebody. I was just trying to deny what I really need. Sometimes, it’s just easier to deny rather than to live with the truth. But somewhere in your heart knew, that you recognize there’s a reality to be accepted. The reality that every living person in this earth, needs someone to lean on. And when you try to deny it over and over again, you’ll end up hurting yourself.

It was like God talking to me through an event, that God wanted me to rely on Him, and not focusing on having someone on my side. Well, I would say “a boyfriend” as the closest relationship I could ever think of. But I realized that it’s not necessarily having a boyfriend, but instead a partner in your daily life. But I am alone. No friends or close friends to get hanged out on weekends or weekday evenings after work. Sometimes I pity myself of being alone. From there, I go on blaming myself, thinking that that is my fault. And I end up keeping God away from my heart. Without seeing him become the top list on the common friends on Path, I see how I should erase his name from the Instagram “search for a name” list. So I did. I should not type his name anymore into the “search for a name” on Instagram and take a look at his activities, where he went, what he ate, or whom he was with because me and him were over since a long time ago. Before, I was still thinking: “after all these times, Path is still the one which connected us to each other”, because I see you every time I click “add friends” tab. But now, there is no more.

As I told Ma about how I missed us working together during big events at church in the town so I couldn’t bear to attend them, Ma told me that she’s never seeing him or even a part of his family anymore in the church. Ma understood and knew what I’ve been buried about his memories. I don’t know why exactly, but perhaps, I know one of the possible answer.

Let’s say that my assumption is true.

During the moments of desperation, somehow I am still able to say, that the “I will always love you” statement, will always be true. But perhaps, love does not always mean to have a happy ending. Perhaps it is meant to teach us something worth to learn. Perhaps it is meant to prepare us for something bigger. Perhaps it is meant to lead us to our purest and truest love, which one day, if God has set the time right, we will meet and bonded by the vow, while right now, there’s a lot to be fixed within me and my life.

And right now, there are a lot of things to be thought of than having a boyfriend.


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