General

Hujan.

Jakarta sudah mulai hujan.

Untuk beberapa orang, hujan di Jakarta merupakan kesialan.

Tapi untuk beberapa orang lain, hujan merupakan keberuntungan hati.

Kebahagiaan.

Bagiku, hujan adalah kebahagiaanku.

Dalam hujan segala perasaan tercurah bersama rintikannya yang jatuh ke tanah.

Jika kamu bahagia,

menarilah bersama dengan dentuman titik-titik hujan.

Jika kamu sedih,

menangislah bersama dengan pelukan hangatnya yang jatuh ke wajahmu.

Jika kamu marah,

bersembunyilah dibalik tirai lembutnya agar amarahmu hanya diketahui olehnya.

Bagiku warna kelabu menjadi warna kesukaanku untuk sebuah musim.

Putihnya salju menunjukan kejujuran.

Jingganya daun menunjukan sebuah harapan untuk hari cerah.

Birunya langit menunjukan sebuah senyum syukur.

Namun abunya air dari pantulan langit mendung menunjukan bahwa kamu sedang berada di persimpangan.

Terjepit di antara dua benua hati yang tak henti digumulkan.

Dan selalu dibuatnya bingung tak kentara.

Menekan urat imajinasi ini untuk tidak bermimpi lebih besar.

Jika awal hari terasa begitu berat untuk dijalani.

Aku menoleh keluar pintu ruang hidupku, dan mengintip.

“Ah yes, hari ini akan hujan lagi”.

Tersenyum menyambut warna langit yang sendu.

Walau aku berjalan langkah demi langkah dengan tapak yang memberatkan tubuh untuk berjalan maju.

Setidaknya pada musim hujan ini, aku bisa menjadi diriku.

General

True love

I learned that true love doesn’t always appears among couples. It also reflected from several movies lately which present the meaning of true love from siblings relationships (frozen) or friendship relationships (maleficent) or family relationship or even God and His children.

A few years ago I was so focused on develop a feeling of true love for my boyfriend, that true love can only be felt with our lovers. But as in now, I am so tired to get focused on this lover thingy and instead, I am more focused on people around me.

I am trying to build the love within me to be given to people around me. As I told my last boyfriend that I must love someone because I have this bowl of love that must be pour out to, I cannot bear the condition of not having anybody. I was so eager to stand on the fake and painful relationship till I let myself destroying my own dignity. I thought that I couldn’t live without any relationship.

But the fact is, I am alive today.

It is still true that I cannot live without giving out any love to anybody. But I learned that love can be given to anybody, even true love. So I look around and giving care to those who are in needs.

It will be much easier if who we are giving love to is loving us back. Like a lover. But how if they don’t. Or how if we don’t know whether that person is actually taking advantage of our kindness. We won’t be happy, but we are disillusioned. We are hurt and most of the times we are feeling empty and throw away the care we used to have for someone else in order to reduce the pain we feel.

I know this lady. From somewhere. She was my friend from the old time. I got quite close lately because we often talk and chat, and I care so much about her because of the bond built from going together many times. I told her many things that I don’t want to share with any of my surrounding friends. She told me many things that she doesn’t tell anybody but her family. Sometimes she got so moody, but most of the times we support each other. I can handle her emotions since she is who I was. I’m handling her patiently. We went into fights, but we managed to reconcile and get closer from those conflicts. Sometimes I feel her distant and I found out she got a lot to think about. Until one day, I don’t know why she seemed different. The distance she made is no longer the one caused by her overload burdens. I thought that it only my assumption. But most people who knows me from the beginning knew that I am a very sensitive individual. I know if something goes wrong, or if something bad is going to happen. I gave her few weeks, to prove that this is not my assumption, but it’s the fact.

Well, the truth comes out eventually.

She is distant. She is no longer share things to me, no longer talk that often to me, and she has new friends. Somehow it hurts me, because I care about her and we used to spend a lot of time together. But there are no more us. And I feel more lonely. I was lonely, with no real friends in this city, but somehow her existence heal that loneliness.

And I am back to the thought of: “what did I do wrong?”. Perhaps I was giving her too much attentions that I should be.

I was trying to ignore her, pretend that I don’t care. But then a few weeks after that happen, she came to me and told me that she wanted to spend time with me, and have something to share about because she doesn’t know where should she go to tell this kind of story. My heart melt, and I spend my energy to care for her. But that was only last for a day. After that, and for the next few weeks until today, she is back to be that distant, cold. Until one day I cried for her, because I was disappointed.

And then I realized that I love her as a little sister. I care about her as my own family, since I don’t have any biological brothers or sisters for my whole life. And I grew to be the person who loves to protect or sacrifice for someone, someone weaker than me, someone less tough than me – well this not only applies to friends, but also to my boyfriend.

Several times, I tried to pretend not to care anymore to her. But the problem is that it’s not me. I am not that cold.

At some points I was quite tired. But I learned that sincerity does hurt. If we sincerely that we love our friends, our families, or even our own lovers, there must be pain occurs in any disappointments.

I have to be a mature one, I have to inspire people. So there’s no choice left to overcome this than to keep shine for her, keep shine for the people we sincerely love.

I read a short article of why God most of the times seems to bless irresponsible people, or people who never lift prayer to Him instead of  people who always depend on Him, who responsible of the life He gave. It is because He is pleased to hear us, the obedient people, to talk for as long as possible to Him, lifting prayers, and looking to Him in any situations. Imagine a street singer comes to you, insisting to get a money from us. He doesn’t sing nor play instrument really well. We will automatically give him the money so he could quickly leave, and we’ll get the peace we need when we are eating. The same thing applies to God. He loves to hear us pray and talk to Him, so He let us stay longer in His presence. But if we get what we want immediately, we will definitely turn away from God.

A long time ago I once prayed to get the kind of friend who will always be by my side. My ex boyfriend told me that finding a best-friend is like finding a soul-mate, takes a lot of effort, feel a lot of pain, consumes a lot of energy, and spend a lot of time.

He’s right.

But my part now is to be kind and love and care those who are around me.

The rest is up to God, whether He will send “the one” in love-life, as well as in friendship.

General

Mine among thousands

You know..

I attend this huge church in town. Most of Christians would know the name of this church if I mention it here. And for the past two months, I haven’t gone back to my hometown because of few reasons, so I went to this church every week for the past 8 weeks, seeing things that made me reach into the raised questions.

It is attended by thousands of young people for each of the four available services.

A lot of good-looking guys sitting alone. The ones that look physically great, the ones that look really nice, the ones that have this attractive aura, the ones that look mature as well as childish, yet I ask: “where is mine?”. It never crossed my mind to ask this kind of question to myself. Or to God. But for the past few weeks I met the similar-kind of guys, somehow the random questions just popped out – although I promised to myself that I won’t bother myself to wonder about this area.

My greatest friend as well as a big brother of mine told me thousand times: “you need someone to pour out your feeling to” when we meet and have quality time together. Well, I did wonder why can’t be him since he is the one who always mention it to me, why he can’t be the one. I’m not asking to be his lover, but I once hoped he could be the figure who will always present. And yet he told me that I need someone. Else.

So when lately my mind has been occupied with my future career, how I really want to be out and can’t stand to work in this kind of job, and how I am really depressed in situations I am facing right now, I am denying my own desire to have someone by my side by telling myself repeatedly that I’m better off alone. But the fact is no one is better off alone, because everyone needs somebody. I am very aware how pathetic I am. When I meet a kind of guy that I might like, well somehow we can’t get the chance to share same interests. And I end up sitting or walking alone. So when we cross into each other, I throw my sight away, showing no interest at all. And then I continue my walk to another side of the story, the one without anybody but myself.

I’m kinda bored to go to the church alone. I’m kinda bored when I eat at this fancy restaurant yet accompanied with a complex reading on my iPad. I’m kinda bored when I’m planning to buy something, I don’t have anybody to share my thoughts for the decision. I’m kinda bored when I’m going back to my place, I don’t directly touch my phones since I don’t have anybody to report to, and somehow I forget to check them till before I go to bed. Well I’m kinda bored to be alone that sometimes I can’t remember how to socialize.

And most of the times I got so lazy to meet somebody and bond with them.

The more I think about it, the more depressed I am. About my life-partner, I mean. But to not think about it is definitely not me, because I am the kind of person who loves to think about many things.

So how am I overcome this kind of problem, is to pretend that I don’t have this kind of need. And live in denial. It would hurt less at least.

General

Me and the love for open water experience

For those who have seen me,

… I have a dark skin color.

Well, most people adore my skin color. They would say “exotic”. But I notice that for some other people, the kind of skin color I have is dreadful. They would do anything to avoid of having a skin color like I have. Some said that dark means dirty, while light means clean. It’s not brown, nor dark brown like most of Indonesian have. It’s a brown-red -ish kind of color. I don’t know how to explain it in words, perhaps you should it by yourself. Where do I get this kind of color, while my mom has a yellow-ish and my dad has a brown and a bit lighter from me, I have no idea. And I found out that a lot of people would ask me whether I came from Philippines or Thailand.

That’s why I hate beach.

Swimming on the ocean, building sand castle at the side of the ocean on the middle of the day, I knew what it could made me. Sunburned, and my skin would definitely get darker. Tanned.

I recalled my moments when I went to Bali with one Cici and two Koko last two years. I avoided to get directly exposed to the sun on the middle of the day. We spent a lot in places like cafes and malls, and then we got in and out to and from the car, traveling around the city with the rented car. No swimming in the ocean, no building sand castles at the beach. That was how my skin did not get darker the moment I returned back to my hometown.

But this time was different.

Last month I went to Belitong (or Belitung, whatever people called it) with some of my workmates. Of course we are gonna play a lot at the beach instead of staying in the hotel for the rest of the day. I did think about it a lot, that I did not want to get directly exposed to the sun,  in case I will get sunburned and my skin would be darker than it already is! On the other side, I was very aware that I would not get the fun I should get while I was there if I’m too afraid to be on the open air. So I thought: “let it be!”.

And yet, my love for water could not resist the temptation to blend with the roaring waves. The moment I got a chance to get splashed into the water, without feeling any embarrassment I took off my shirts and shorts, wearing my swimsuit, I jumped from the boat into the ocean. And I swam in the open water. What a refreshed!

The beach, the water, they are still virgin, so pure and so clear. Very few human ever touch it, desecrate the beauty of underwater nature. Thank God the weather during our visit was supporting our plans!

Belitung beach / sea 1
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Belitong beach / sea 2

I just found out that “Laskar Pelangi” movie was made in Belitong. I did watch that movie a long time ago, but I was already forgot the scenery, background, and the plot about the movie itself. I did not realize that the movie was made in such a beautiful place where big rocks and pretty corals grew. Here is the picture of the beach before I explore every corner of the soaring rocks:

Laskar Pelangi beach 1

I, who loves adventure, dared myself to climb every corner of the place with some guys. Without wearing any mountain boots or hiking sandals, got slipped while my D700 hanged around my neck and got injured at some parts of my body to protect it, took off my sandals and heat was attacking my foot when I climbed those big rocks, got sunburned because it was 1.00 PM in the afternoon, I found that the difficulties and the torment I encounter were worth it as I could see the most beautiful corners I’ve ever seen for my whole life.

Laskar Pelangi beach 2
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Laskar Pelangi beach 3
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Laskar Pelangi beach 4
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Laskar Pelangi beach 5
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Laskar Pelangi beach 6

And I managed to ask my male coworker to take a picture of me that is proud to be able to climb those big rocks, with bare feet! =D

My proud self =D

And so I realized that my passion for landscape photography was the other thing that made me does not scare anymore to get sunburned. I just want to get great landscape pictures, no matter what obstacles or difficulties I must face.

While I was at Laskar Pelangi movie scene, I really hoped I could swim around those rocks. But unfortunately it was the day when we just landed, and nobody was prepare the clothes to get wet on. So with no other choice, we left and moved on to our tight schedules.

From there, we went to check in to the hotel, and some of us took a short nap, while some others was swimming in the hotel’s pool. I was too tired because of climbing those big rocks and went into heavy domains to take pictures, and I fell asleep during our way to the hotel, and then continued that peaceful sleep with dirty clothes on in the room I checked in. When I woke up, it was the time when we were going to have a dinner on a vintage restaurant near the hotel. That day was the first day. We were too tired to go anywhere than near the hotel, as our flight was 6.20AM, and we gathered at 5.00AM, and woke up at 3.00AM. So we decided to save our strength for the next day’s activities, the full day in the island.

As the next day came, we crossed the sea to reach the small islands around the main island. The waves were too strong that day, so when we boarded on the boat, we got wet because of the speed of the boat crashed with the waves on the sea. It feels really great, though the taste of the water was so so so salty, but I believe it was because of the ocean itself has not contained with pollution.

That was the day when I jumped from the boat into the water, as I mentioned earlier.

Not only swimming in the open water, I also went snorkeling at the middle of the ocean, guarded by some locals from the top of the boat. That was my first time I went snorkeling without any guard at my side. I went so far, until I reach the middle of the sea. My friends kept calling me and remind me to not go too far as I lulled by waves’ calls to keep going farther and farther. Oh I am so in love by the peaceful feeling and the quietness of the underwater.

We arrived at the time when we should having a lunch. So we went aside to one of the small island around there, and we had lunch with some of the oldsters who seemed to having great times by drinking some beers and dancing at the middle of the restaurant with R&B music played on the background. The restaurant has a unique concept. The tables were set on the top of the sand instead of the cement.

I went for walk around the restaurant and I found there was an abandon boat standing on the middle of the beach. It was a great view to took, so I took it from two different angles:

The abandon boat 1
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The abandon boat 2

While I was walking back to the restaurant to be with my friends, I ran sweeping the sand. As I came near them, I noticed they set their eyes on me. I asked them: “anything wrong?”, and they replied: “you look like one of those Baywatch gals”. I smiled as they told me how tanned I was be, wrapped in that piece swimsuit. My skin got darker! And my reaction? I felt great and I did not regret it. I was too happy, enjoying myself that blended with the cold of the seawater. I always love water. When things got rough, I always take myself to swim in the pool and I always feel the relieve afterwards. But underneath it, there is no life beside silence. With the sea, many living things depend on the existence of the water, and I feel alive watching them dancing as they celebrate their blessings to be alive. And the lives under the sea are incredibly beautiful.

This short journey has changed me. Now I come to love the beach, and definitely would go to see another beautiful beaches and seas around the world when I got the chance.

Sunburned? I don’t care! Because it is worth it!