I attend this huge church in town. Most of Christians would know the name of this church if I mention it here. And for the past two months, I haven’t gone back to my hometown because of few reasons, so I went to this church every week for the past 8 weeks, seeing things that made me reach into the raised questions.
It is attended by thousands of young people for each of the four available services.
A lot of good-looking guys sitting alone. The ones that look physically great, the ones that look really nice, the ones that have this attractive aura, the ones that look mature as well as childish, yet I ask: “where is mine?”. It never crossed my mind to ask this kind of question to myself. Or to God. But for the past few weeks I met the similar-kind of guys, somehow the random questions just popped out – although I promised to myself that I won’t bother myself to wonder about this area.
My greatest friend as well as a big brother of mine told me thousand times: “you need someone to pour out your feeling to” when we meet and have quality time together. Well, I did wonder why can’t be him since he is the one who always mention it to me, why he can’t be the one. I’m not asking to be his lover, but I once hoped he could be the figure who will always present. And yet he told me that I need someone. Else.
So when lately my mind has been occupied with my future career, how I really want to be out and can’t stand to work in this kind of job, and how I am really depressed in situations I am facing right now, I am denying my own desire to have someone by my side by telling myself repeatedly that I’m better off alone. But the fact is no one is better off alone, because everyone needs somebody. I am very aware how pathetic I am. When I meet a kind of guy that I might like, well somehow we can’t get the chance to share same interests. And I end up sitting or walking alone. So when we cross into each other, I throw my sight away, showing no interest at all. And then I continue my walk to another side of the story, the one without anybody but myself.
I’m kinda bored to go to the church alone. I’m kinda bored when I eat at this fancy restaurant yet accompanied with a complex reading on my iPad. I’m kinda bored when I’m planning to buy something, I don’t have anybody to share my thoughts for the decision. I’m kinda bored when I’m going back to my place, I don’t directly touch my phones since I don’t have anybody to report to, and somehow I forget to check them till before I go to bed. Well I’m kinda bored to be alone that sometimes I can’t remember how to socialize.
And most of the times I got so lazy to meet somebody and bond with them.
The more I think about it, the more depressed I am. About my life-partner, I mean. But to not think about it is definitely not me, because I am the kind of person who loves to think about many things.
So how am I overcome this kind of problem, is to pretend that I don’t have this kind of need. And live in denial. It would hurt less at least.