True love

I learned that true love doesn’t always appears among couples. It also reflected from several movies lately which present the meaning of true love from siblings relationships (frozen) or friendship relationships (maleficent) or family relationship or even God and His children.

A few years ago I was so focused on develop a feeling of true love for my boyfriend, that true love can only be felt with our lovers. But as in now, I am so tired to get focused on this lover thingy and instead, I am more focused on people around me.

I am trying to build the love within me to be given to people around me. As I told my last boyfriend that I must love someone because I have this bowl of love that must be pour out to, I cannot bear the condition of not having anybody. I was so eager to stand on the fake and painful relationship till I let myself destroying my own dignity. I thought that I couldn’t live without any relationship.

But the fact is, I am alive today.

It is still true that I cannot live without giving out any love to anybody. But I learned that love can be given to anybody, even true love. So I look around and giving care to those who are in needs.

It will be much easier if who we are giving love to is loving us back. Like a lover. But how if they don’t. Or how if we don’t know whether that person is actually taking advantage of our kindness. We won’t be happy, but we are disillusioned. We are hurt and most of the times we are feeling empty and throw away the care we used to have for someone else in order to reduce the pain we feel.

I know this lady. From somewhere. She was my friend from the old time. I got quite close lately because we often talk and chat, and I care so much about her because of the bond built from going together many times. I told her many things that I don’t want to share with any of my surrounding friends. She told me many things that she doesn’t tell anybody but her family. Sometimes she got so moody, but most of the times we support each other. I can handle her emotions since she is who I was. I’m handling her patiently. We went into fights, but we managed to reconcile and get closer from those conflicts. Sometimes I feel her distant and I found out she got a lot to think about. Until one day, I don’t know why she seemed different. The distance she made is no longer the one caused by her overload burdens. I thought that it only my assumption. But most people who knows me from the beginning knew that I am a very sensitive individual. I know if something goes wrong, or if something bad is going to happen. I gave her few weeks, to prove that this is not my assumption, but it’s the fact.

Well, the truth comes out eventually.

She is distant. She is no longer share things to me, no longer talk that often to me, and she has new friends. Somehow it hurts me, because I care about her and we used to spend a lot of time together. But there are no more us. And I feel more lonely. I was lonely, with no real friends in this city, but somehow her existence heal that loneliness.

And I am back to the thought of: “what did I do wrong?”. Perhaps I was giving her too much attentions that I should be.

I was trying to ignore her, pretend that I don’t care. But then a few weeks after that happen, she came to me and told me that she wanted to spend time with me, and have something to share about because she doesn’t know where should she go to tell this kind of story. My heart melt, and I spend my energy to care for her. But that was only last for a day. After that, and for the next few weeks until today, she is back to be that distant, cold. Until one day I cried for her, because I was disappointed.

And then I realized that I love her as a little sister. I care about her as my own family, since I don’t have any biological brothers or sisters for my whole life. And I grew to be the person who loves to protect or sacrifice for someone, someone weaker than me, someone less tough than me – well this not only applies to friends, but also to my boyfriend.

Several times, I tried to pretend not to care anymore to her. But the problem is that it’s not me. I am not that cold.

At some points I was quite tired. But I learned that sincerity does hurt. If we sincerely that we love our friends, our families, or even our own lovers, there must be pain occurs in any disappointments.

I have to be a mature one, I have to inspire people. So there’s no choice left to overcome this than to keep shine for her, keep shine for the people we sincerely love.

I read a short article of why God most of the times seems to bless irresponsible people, or people who never lift prayer to Him instead of  people who always depend on Him, who responsible of the life He gave. It is because He is pleased to hear us, the obedient people, to talk for as long as possible to Him, lifting prayers, and looking to Him in any situations. Imagine a street singer comes to you, insisting to get a money from us. He doesn’t sing nor play instrument really well. We will automatically give him the money so he could quickly leave, and we’ll get the peace we need when we are eating. The same thing applies to God. He loves to hear us pray and talk to Him, so He let us stay longer in His presence. But if we get what we want immediately, we will definitely turn away from God.

A long time ago I once prayed to get the kind of friend who will always be by my side. My ex boyfriend told me that finding a best-friend is like finding a soul-mate, takes a lot of effort, feel a lot of pain, consumes a lot of energy, and spend a lot of time.

He’s right.

But my part now is to be kind and love and care those who are around me.

The rest is up to God, whether He will send “the one” in love-life, as well as in friendship.


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