Lately, I have been really bored with my job. I couldn’t think anything more than to get a new job, a more dynamic kind of job. Ok. I say it. I want to get new job. Or must. My job is so static, and since I am hyperactive I couldn’t stand to be in this situation, I need to move more, go out more, a kind of job that provides me a more dynamic life, a kind of job that would excite my daily life. And I never miss a day to browse and find a job opening whenever I have the chance. I keep thinking that I don’t like my job, I hate being here. But every time I am thinking how hate I am being in this kind of job, a voice inside my heart rebukes. “Remember when you were still in Malaysia, and how you dreamed of having a job in research”, “remember how you really wished to get a job directly right after you finish your college”, “remember how much you wanted to go back to Indonesia”.
Yeah, I remember those all. God gave me what I want. A job in Jakarta, a city that I wish to stay in Indonesia. A job as a researcher, the kind of job that I had dreamed for about 2 years. No time to play or rest, the moment I reached Indonesia I got the interview and got accepted on the second interview.
It would be a lot easier to complain rather than be grateful of what you have now. A lot of people out there who are wish to get a job, but they have difficulties to find one. Where I was blessed with so many easiness in getting a job – and with a good pay as well.
What more should I ask from God if God had given me most His kindness act during my darkest moment, when I was trying really hard to completely move on from my ex. He tried to cheer me up by giving me what I want, but now I am complaining of how I am trying my best to get out.
Well, I know, we would never know how something would suits us best if we don’t try to be in it. And in this case, this one does not suit me best.
This morning around 11AM, as I looked around my cubicle, I suddenly recalled when somebody asked me about what do I do during that hour. About two years ago, I was still in college, staying at my small dorm, some day I was at class, some day I was at my room and watch series, some day I went to the nearest mall, and there was some day I prepared myself to face the coming exam, studying. But most of the time, I was alone. In Malaysia. Exactly like I am now.
If only I am still be with him, perhaps, during the same hour, he would ask me the same question. But the difference is that on that hour, I would find myself sitting on the cubicle and typing something on the screen.
No. I had moved on. That’s why it does not matter anymore.
But one thing I realized from my short daydreaming, I miss my moments in Malaysia. I knew it was a very hard 13 months, full of tears and desperation. But I miss it. I miss when I still sitting in college, and all I have to worry is just assignments and exams. When I was in college, I can’t wait to see myself to work, contribute something in my life, in others’ lives. And now, as most people would feel the same, I am longing to be in the college again. But it’s just not my time anymore. I had grown and I need to make life for myself. Support my parents by not depending to them anymore.
And that’s how I have a dream to go out there again, working. But everything seems too impossible, and I almost lose my faith.
I can’t tell this to my friends since they would turn against me and would tell me: “I already told you”, and I don’t like that accusation since it heard like a blaming.
I knew I am stuck. I have a lot of wishes regarding my career path, and I just don’t know which one is meant for me. It’s like finding a husband. A lot of choices out there, but I still have no idea which one is meant for me.
And every time I am confused, I can only say a line in my heart: that God would give me His best.