I spent many days in the past to complain. Well it first started as a complain, and I dragged myself into sorrow. Days. And for some cases, could be weeks or even months. I knew I am a perfectionist. But I’m also aware that I live in an imperfect world, where NOTHING in this world could be perfect enough than what we do best. I exhausted myself to make the effort of doing things orderly in a place where there are certain things we can’t take control. I wished things could happen as I imagined they would be. I demanded people to adapt as I would if I were them. In a broad view, my perfectionism has control many lives around me. I heard a lot of people saying to take myself easy. I heard them giving me advise that I have to accept the things that I really don’t want to happen in life. But as for me, “acceptance” is mostly harder than making a hard effort to let things go in a way I wish they would be. Acceptance is the most sensitive thing in my life. What a tiring life, isn’t it.
I found myself talked with a lots of friends who spontaneously share their lives with me. And yes, I did learn a lot from what they had been through, and it had woken me up about the kind of life I have right now. I am grateful that I’ve been given the chance to learn from my friend’s experiences before I myself experience it and have regret on it.
I still receive the financial support that I am not supposed to get because I had began my career journey. And my parents never bother me much about it, though they are now had given me certain limitations so I could be fully independent some day. But when I see my friends, they don’t get the same privilege as I am today. I have more than enough, because I am not alone when I am facing financial difficulties.
I receive enough love today from many people around in their own way. In some cases I had hurt myself enough to be disappointed because I never see someone love me as the way I imagined a person would love someone. But the point is to see something from a different angle, to see how love could be acted from different characters owned by an individual. I might be so resentful and upset, and questioning whether that person is really love me. But I learned to understand each characters and how they might poured out into different kind of feelings. Although when I look into the mirror every morning and thinking that I have no one in this city, but if I look up, I could see many loves are floating in the air. I breath through it so I could live. I have enough love, and even flooded by it when I realize that God has taking care of me in every situations. It could never have happened if not because of love.
Most of my closest friends had got married. But I also have other friends (who are not really as close as the ones who already got married) who still single, and some of them are older than me, and some other are younger than me. For the older ones, I see them got too comfortable with their lives. For the younger ones, I see them started to get worry because age has eaten their times up. Do I get scared? I am. But as the times goes by, I understand why God has not given me the chance to meet “the one”. It takes a careful considerations before each of us decided to get involve in a marriage, it takes a big commitment. I know it sounds so simple, but the fact is, it’s not. I have imagined this kind of marriage I would have with somebody, I imagined this kind of guy whom I’m gonna married to. And as I meet many guys these days, I realize that to meet a good guy is not that easy. If you are a guy reading this, I don’t mean to sound offensive. But from what I’ve learned, a good guy respects honesty. I learned that there are too many two-faces people in this world, too many lies been told, too many hypocrites walk freely in many communities. God Himself had told us: “love would grow colder these days” – Matt 24:12. My journey of being single has been quite long already, and the clock is ticking. It never wait for us to be ready, never wait for me to be ready. But I have to make myself to be ready. So, yes. I’m gonna wait without being afraid of getting myself too comfortable of being single, or being worried that my moment will get passed in a short time soon. Being single is fun though, you know. It is lonely, but I learned that every people need sometime alone. Literally, alone. I do.
I learned so many things of being deserted in this city, with not to many people I could talk to. I could see myself clearly, and reflect on myself, what kind of future I would need towards happiness (not want), to find out God’s purpose for my life. I know it sounds cliche. Purpose. But I realize now that few people only know their purposes. And a life without knowing their purposes, it’s dull. I still have a blur image of what my real purpose is. But I do know that I now live for what I love (a running and a triathlon races are just some examples of other new things I started to aim lately, and I loooovvveeee the trainings).
I do have lots of problems. But I now learned not to complain much about it. I learned to keep it inside and train myself that every single thing happens for a reason. A reason we never know if we refuse to go through it. A reason we never know if we choose to give up. A reason we never know if we fill our lives with negativity.
I think, a road to maturity never stop at some point, or at certain age. It’s a continuous process until we leave this world. And then, we leave our tracks to be passed to the younger generations. And the cycle goes on.
What a beautiful world isn’t it if we could be grateful enough and be an example or inspiration for someone.