General

blessings

June 23rd fell on Tuesday, I had my birthday coming. Unfortunately, I was too sick to get up, and I ended up laying on the bed. I was sleeping for the whole day that day. Nothing was too special that day. Ma gave me a simple birthday cake. The one that I love from Sweetheart. And after I blew off the “23” candle which lighted on the top of the cake early in the morning, I was back to sleep, hoping that I could get better in the evening as I planned to go for a dinner. But it turned out that I was still too weak to enjoy my birthday. However, I still wanted to go somewhere, at least to be with the wind, celebrating my birthday.

I was not expecting anything from anyone, especially to get birthday greetings from my friends. Then I found out that my closest friends kinda forgot to greet me, as well as Da. Supposed to be sad thing, isn’t it? But I was grateful enough that I got a lot of greetings from people I less expecting to. There was no birthday dinner that day, as I had to send Ma to meet up with her friends for a small reunion dinner. But I went out anyway, to keep my stamina up, preparing to get back to work on the next day. Of course I have to be in for work on the 24th. So I went to visit Gold’s Gym while waiting Ma to finish, did a little survey on their facilities, and then picked up Ma to get back to home. Nothing so special. But I am grateful. So grateful because this year, I realize God gave me so many blessings.

As I mentioned in the post earlier, that I got an offer to work in Indosat as a Project Coordinator. The process went so fast at first. But then, it turned out to be a really slow process. I thought that they will confirm to me before I was going to join a job in Bandung. Somehow, God did not allow it to happen. After a week I joined the job in Bandung, I was confirmed that I get in. On the going process, I met with all the four users two times (and one of them was expatriate), interviewed by the HRD one time, and then get contacted by the email for the following formal procedures (psychology test and medical test). I was so confused by then because I already on my comfort zone in Bandung. I have friends, I have Ma by my side, I have a home, a house, I have life after work, I can enjoy a fresh air in the morning, less traffic than Jakarta. I did cry for a few times, telling God that I was so afraid to leave my current life although I just spent one week here. I was actually going to reject Indosat since they offer me a one year contract position. Some people told me that a contract will not get any non-cash benefits. But they were wrong, I was wrong. It turned up that they gave me everything I have ever considered about: a salary more than I expected plus a full non-cash benefits, and phone credit as an add-on. I knew that I have to take this job. I would be stupid enough if I don’t accept their offer.

I saw that God has blessed me enough with this kind of opportunity. I got what I want in my career life. When I wished to go back to Bandung before Indosat being processed, God gave me that. When I was so concern about my earnings, God gave me the opportunity of getting a promotion AND Indosat which lead to a much higher earnings and better career ahead. And even though I had made my mind to resign from the former company, some of the Head of Departments still convinced me to stay during our personal farewell meals, and persuaded me to take that promotion offer. I did not know that I am that worth. But God showed me that I am worth fighting for.

Today as I looked back for the past one year, so many painful thing happened. I did randomly questioned myself, or even God, why haven’t I got a boyfriend or why do I feel lonely most of the time. But maybe, God is actually preparing me to get ready for getting a tougher road. I knew I still have some issues with Da. And that was the only thing I haven’t handling it very well. I realize during those silent moments, lonely days, I was formed to be someone that is never mind to go anywhere by myself. Perhaps I could be feeling so sad when I have no friends to go. Maybe it because I was not at home. But when I am home, at my hometown, I found myself becoming so much more independent as I was, open my mind a lot bigger than I was. I could see things in a much more objective way. I learn a lot of things and take notes to some things that I should or should not do one day if I am positioned as I was seeing.

If God gave me what I want for a career, I believe He will also blesses me with a best guy as a husband.

I see that a lesson is more valuable to get other than the wealth we get. Because from there, we could have the chance to fix our lives. We cannot change past, but we can decide how our future would be.

I am 28 year old now. But I have a life full of color, painted by happy, sad, and painful experiences.

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General

h.o.m.e.t.o.w.n.

h.o.m.e.t.o.w.n.

A day before I’m turning 28, I started my first day job at my hometown. Yes. I resigned from the job as a researcher in Jakarta, and decided to come back home. It was a difficult choice at first. There were so many ups and down, so many dilemmas during the journey of making decision. I just didn’t know what do I really want. I didn’t know what’s best for me. I just knew that on the day that it all processed, I just want to be out from my job.

Before I was sure that I wanted to resign from the job, I was looking for a new job. I just thought that the company I worked with didn’t compensate enough as they should be. But I wasn’t doing that in such a rush. It did not mean that I hate my job. I just wanted to find a better one, the one that could give me something more than just to undergo the same thing over and over again for ever.

I was thinking to go back to my hometown, working there, and make a life there. I knew that I couldn’t find a better job if I stay in my hometown. What other career in Bandung could compete with the progress as if you are working in Jakarta. So I had to make a choice if I want to go back to my hometown and leave my career progress in Jakarta or what can be sacrificed that is worth enough to walk out from the opportunity of having a better career. So I started to make a long list, thinking about it for a few months.

Until the day that it was coming, when the manager of my old company in Bandung contacted me, offering me a job. I gave her away my CV and she started to process my application. The job was not ready until the mid of the year. It’s okay. I was not in a rush anyway. I just needed a new workplace. Someday.

Out of nowhere, I got another offer at one of the biggest operator company in Indonesia, Indosat. The job was the one I wish to get for quite some time, as a Project Coordinator. I will be working along with the expatriates at Indosat. Such a challenge. So I was so sure to move along with the offer. And on the day I was supposed to attend the interview with Indosat, suddenly the job in Bandung gave me a confirmation that I was accepted there. I had not given them my answer straightaway, I asked them to give me some time to think because I actually wanted to see the situations with Indosat.

Everything become such a hurry.

Another thing was that my Supervisor offered me a promotion to be a Senior, handling the most important account of the company. This account contributes 50% of the company’s revenue. I knew what it meant, which are I can’t enjoy my life anymore. There will be a lot of overtime, working until late at night, a lot of heavy requests to handle, less sleeping, less exercising, less coming back to my hometown (even if I’m going back to Bandung, I would still open my computer and working from home), less hanging out with my friends. I told my Supervisor that I don’t want to have a life like that. But did I ever had other options? No. He trusted me with this, and he told me that I was the only one that is able to handle this kind of burden at work. I felt flattered, and honored at the same time. But on the other side, I also want to have a life. A quality one. The one where I can enjoy doing things I love.

See how things suddenly turned away so differently?

I attended the interview and it conducted in English. I could see them impressed with the way I answered all the questions. Perhaps because – from what I had heard – they had interviewed so many people who cannot speak English as it turned out that I was faced with the western-ish guy. I was told that he is the boss. Did an interview with the Human Resource as well after I finished with the user, and found out that they cannot give me direct decision after they had done with me that day. They said they need some time, either to compare me with other candidates, or if there will be any delays along the process. But I have to give an answer within the same day to Bandung. After A brief discussion with Ma, as well as some of my most trusted friends, I decided to accept Bandung’s offer. It then became my escape plan.

So on the same night, I gave Bandung my confirmation to join them, and I told my Supervisor that I was going to leave afterwards. He was just as surprised as anybody would be. We talked, and we discussed. I did tell him that the main reason that cause me to decide I am leaving is because I wanted to be near with Ma, after three years of separation. It was indeed my main reason. I did think about it a thousand times. I did think it clearly. And I did wish to come back to my hometown. I thought about how Ma is being alone for the whole three years as I was living in Malaysia and Jakarta for those past years. And when my Supervisor convinced me to stay and kept telling me that I am going to be promoted for the coming month, I kept telling him that I was so sure family should comes first. And finally he let me go.

By writing this, I would like to share with you readers, that God does listen to our wishes and prayers. I would share with you about how the next progress about my former Jakarta job as a researcher, Bandung job, and Indosat offer in another post. While here, I just want to share with you my turning point.

I was so rebellious before, I did not pray for quite some time as I was too disappointed with so many things in my life. But God still showed me His grace. He remains faithful to me, and never gave up on me. He still remember to bless me. He promised to fulfill my prayers, and He did though that time I was so distance. But He still kept His promises. He does love me. It never came through to my mind that I would be receiving such many blessings in one time as I did: three interesting job offers at the same time. And God wanted me to choose wisely. He did not decide for me, but He left all the choices to me. And I did not turn up to be angry, but I turned up to be depending on Him, because I don’t want to make a false decision.

There was once said that it is okay if you take some time apart from God once in a while. But it does not mean that you lose your faith in God. But just a step away from God. Not to loosen up your bond, but to reflect on yourself. Find yourself again after those stressful environment you are in right now. And when you find your way back, you would find yourself in your greatest strength to believe in Him even more.

And that’s what you called “a leap of faith”.

General

To listen

In my time of beings, I learned a great lesson of one of the hardest yet most important thing as a social individual. To listen.

I had this close friend at my office. One that I knew long before I joined with the company. We were close at first. And 1.5 years later, we were somehow become distant until the moment she resigned from the company a few weeks ago. She was younger than me, and I treated her like she was my own family. I cared for her and I helped her whenever she needed my help. I love to take care people anyway, so there were no burdens for me when I sacrificed things for her. I listened to her whenever she had problems. But I just realized that when you think that you are listening to others, you can’t expect other people to listen to you. Because they won’t. She won’t. As well as many people at my office are. So does my surrounding.

Also the leader of your church’s community cell. The one that you thought you could trust to listen on all of your problems, but turn to be the one who be judgmental and you just don’t want to attend the meetings anymore.

You know that feeling when you just desperately need someone to talk to, and you just wish to find someone who can listens to you, but nobody is being around. Or to be exact, nobody would listen.

I tried. Hard. To talk what I had been hiding inside when somebody started a conversation with me, ask me how I have been doing. But it turned out that they did not respond to what I had been trying to say. And I just deterred myself.

Sometimes we need to share our burdens at work and share it with someone who knows well the situation because they see, they know, and they hear about your environment. But I found them can’t even understand as they are too judgmental.

Especially when your supervisor becomes disappointed because you are gonna leave your current job and move out to find a better life, and he is not talking to you for the past month. It is too painful because you are so close with him.

Sometimes we also need to share our thoughts, considerations in our daily lives and share it with someone who knows you very well because they have been with you long enough and they have heard enough of you to understand who you really are. But I found them gone, and nowhere to be found. And when you are trying to contact them and tell them that you have so many things to share, they give one statement of reason: “I have been really busy lately and I do not know when I can meet you”. So I just stopped contacting them to prevent myself of hurting. I prevent myself to be disappointed, because if I keep going, I knew I would.

And also, there are lots of people around me that want to know how things going and want to get updated by the latest news of yours. And you don’t mind to share them with those people. But all you get are judgments and their controls over you. And you just give up your trust for them.

So I learned, too little people can understand one of the primary need of other people’s wishes, that is, to be listened. You know why the world is such a lonely place to live? It is because people are getting emotionally numb. They only care for themselves or to people they are close with, but not with the rest.

It made me think that I don’t want to be the same as them after I realize that the pain I feel could make me to be a “cold-blooded” individual if I don’t make a turn.

See, the thing about me is that I get too attached to someone when I am getting closer with the person. I don’t know whether that could be a strength or weakness for me, because in the end, I found that most people take advantage of that.

I made a decision to be different with the rest of the world. I don’t want to be the same, but instead, I just want to be a blessing to those who are in needs. I passed many times that many people just want to receive instead of giving. But I made a choice to give without expecting anything back. At first, it was so hard. I listened to those who needed to be listened. But when I needed them to be my ears, they were gone or did not make their times for me. I turned to be disappointed. I realized that when you are disappointed because someone does not have time when you had time for them, it means you are looking for a giveback. So I spent my days to train myself to be just a good listener without being judgmental or to be someone who can be relied on when someone is in need.

Though I knew, even a listener needs someone to listen.

I know that I am protecting my heart to get hurt by accepting that I was made by God to be someone who is very sensitive because I was aimed to understand others’ feelings. I reflect myself to be as other person. They need to be listened, and I am on their sides because they need me to listen.

Perhaps, even though you have given up your time to others, they won’t be there when you need them. Don’t expect. Each of us were made for different purposes. And if your purpose is to be a friend, be a good friend who listens, not only to having fun, but also to be the one who needs someone to cry with.

The world needs a real friend.

General

Back.

Been away quite a long time already, I do miss writing. There are a lot of thing I have in mind, a lot of thing I would like to share through my writing, but nothing would come out. Or to be frank, nothing could come out. I wrote a few drafts, but I cannot go further, and I ended up to signing out from my blog. In most of the time, I would love to stay out of sight, stay in the dark, stay silent. There are a lot of exhausting things I faced for a day, and there were no escapes could suffice my emotional healing. I admit that I have so much in the past months, Maybe most people won’t see what I had, they won’t see the problems that troubled me. I guess I am too good in hiding them. I knew that I have been someone different. I am introverted enough to make myself invisible to the world. And as time goes by, I succeed to make myself invisible and creating my own world where I could feel secure. But it’s not the best way out in handling problems.. Everybody has a problem followed them in their daily lives. Some of them don’t mind about that, while some other, like me, keep thinking the list of troubles they have, and turn out to make their lives harder to lived. I do feel the same thing. Especially when you have your doubts to God even though you still believe in miracles. There’s a lot of sayings say that there’s a rainbow after the rain: there’s a good thing behind every bad incidents, traumatic experiences. Especially when God is the One who works behind the curtain.

I got a privilege to meet casually with the Director of Banquet in one of the best five star hotel in the world. I accidentally meet him in my hometown, and I straightaway asked him whether he is looking for a candidate in his department. And he replied that he did need, and was going to hiring. So we exchanged phone numbers and he made promise for both of us to talk further about this issue. And a few weeks later, I went meeting him for a casual lunch. I shared my wishes of how I really want to work under his department, organizing events, especially ballrooms. He was so kind and promised me to refer me to the HR department for the application to be processed. And he did fulfilled his promise. I was called for an interview directly with the user under different department as he said that his department is so complex to be handled by the individual who inexperience in the hospitality industry. I admit that my experiences in the hospitality industry are not capable enough for me to get inside his department. So I did the interview with the British boss, one of the most killer boss at that hotel, skipping the HR department. And i blew it off. I believe I did not pass the interview. There was some point that he asked one primary question that every interview would ask during the interview: “what do you really want to do for a job?”. And I honestly cannot answer his question properly. At the end he summarized that I do not know what I really want for my future. I remembered that during the interview, I just want to get out from my current job and working inside that hotel. But I don’t have a strong purpose to kill that interview, because I don’t know what I really looking for from resigning from my current work. And for two weeks, I couldn’t move on and I punished myself, take a blame for myself.

A few months ago, I went back to Malaysia for a few days. That moment, I was trying to find a better opportunity to build a better career. I was in touch with my company Malaysia boss’, asking her whether I could have opportunity to join Malaysia branch. She did meet with me, along with some of her colleagues, and unexpectedly interviewed me. However her final answer was it could be too difficult for me to join Malaysia team, as the clients there expect us as their partner to speak Mandarin, which I couldn’t. And if I force myself, I would face a lot of difficulties dealing with my tasks. I dreamed to go out from my own country, working either in Singapore or Malaysia, or even further. I’d love to speak English (even my writings are all in English), and I’d love to work with people from multi-country culture backgrounds. I do keep wishing inside, ask God open a door for me so I could go out and explore more. I did apply to many companies in Singapore or Malaysia. But there were no responses from any of them, as well as the opportunities. I was depressed, and I was feeling hopeless. I thought God had forgotten me. The last few months also had been my tough months, dealing with living alone in the city. I recalled myself wrote a couple posts talking about how I am in my comfort zone. And from there I understand that the biggest enemy in life is ourselves. The most dangerous enemy comes from within.

I found out that when things go so wrong, it seemed too difficult too handle, and I was stressed out. One reason. I was so distant to God and preferred not to talk to God during my sorrows. I did have negative thoughts and lose control of it, and then I came to the point of questioning God, why all of the bad things should happen to me. And those negative thoughts were turning back to attack me. I was creating my own enemy, built from within myself. I lost my faith. I lost my hope. And it was really exhausting. No wonder my energy got so absorbed so much and no break could replace it. My consciousness was telling me to keep believe in God, keep waiting Him. But when I see what I am facing, I was just too tired and lost my energy to fight back and keep my spirit burning. I tried to find answers of all the “whys” I kept raising. But some things are not meant to have answers, and we just need to let it go. I reflect and trying to spot the mistakes I had been made in the past. But some things are there not because we made mistakes, but instead they are there to shape us to be a better person. It’s all the theory I knew from my experiences, from the wisdom I received. But somehow, I couldn’t live with it. When I insisted to find answers, or find in which part I made a mistake, I tend to blame myself, and believe that I made myself to live in difficult days. So all those negative energies consumed me. And at the end of the day while I pulled up my blanket, I only have one thing in mind: “what a tiring day”. And then I went to a deep sleep.

Until I came into one point, that live is so boring without something we are holding onto. I was so gloomy all day long, and I did not find anything in my life that could interest me. I was bored. And that time, I started to find my way back to God. In the midst of my tiring day, I was forcing myself praying to God like I was used to do before I sleep. At first it was too difficult for me to start again. And it came to my mind that you don’t need to sit and fold your hands to talk to God. You can talk to God everywhere and anytime. So I built up my faith at first, and started to talk to God wherever I go and whenever I do.

And things were started to turn around better.

It’s not because life is brighter when we live in God. But it is because our paradigms change. We do not see towards our problems and hard times anymore, but instead we are seeing things from God’s perspective. When we are in trouble, we hold onto our hopes. We believe that this too shall pass, we believe that God will guide us through, we believe that everything happens for a greater purpose, a purpose that God once made before.

But life is just like when we swim. When we are taking a breath, we look forward or up. But when we are holding our breath, we drown our heads inside the water and we look down. Life is a matter of being up and being down. But how many times we are able to climb after our fall is what truly define us.