Been away quite a long time already, I do miss writing. There are a lot of thing I have in mind, a lot of thing I would like to share through my writing, but nothing would come out. Or to be frank, nothing could come out. I wrote a few drafts, but I cannot go further, and I ended up to signing out from my blog. In most of the time, I would love to stay out of sight, stay in the dark, stay silent. There are a lot of exhausting things I faced for a day, and there were no escapes could suffice my emotional healing. I admit that I have so much in the past months, Maybe most people won’t see what I had, they won’t see the problems that troubled me. I guess I am too good in hiding them. I knew that I have been someone different. I am introverted enough to make myself invisible to the world. And as time goes by, I succeed to make myself invisible and creating my own world where I could feel secure. But it’s not the best way out in handling problems.. Everybody has a problem followed them in their daily lives. Some of them don’t mind about that, while some other, like me, keep thinking the list of troubles they have, and turn out to make their lives harder to lived. I do feel the same thing. Especially when you have your doubts to God even though you still believe in miracles. There’s a lot of sayings say that there’s a rainbow after the rain: there’s a good thing behind every bad incidents, traumatic experiences. Especially when God is the One who works behind the curtain.
I got a privilege to meet casually with the Director of Banquet in one of the best five star hotel in the world. I accidentally meet him in my hometown, and I straightaway asked him whether he is looking for a candidate in his department. And he replied that he did need, and was going to hiring. So we exchanged phone numbers and he made promise for both of us to talk further about this issue. And a few weeks later, I went meeting him for a casual lunch. I shared my wishes of how I really want to work under his department, organizing events, especially ballrooms. He was so kind and promised me to refer me to the HR department for the application to be processed. And he did fulfilled his promise. I was called for an interview directly with the user under different department as he said that his department is so complex to be handled by the individual who inexperience in the hospitality industry. I admit that my experiences in the hospitality industry are not capable enough for me to get inside his department. So I did the interview with the British boss, one of the most killer boss at that hotel, skipping the HR department. And i blew it off. I believe I did not pass the interview. There was some point that he asked one primary question that every interview would ask during the interview: “what do you really want to do for a job?”. And I honestly cannot answer his question properly. At the end he summarized that I do not know what I really want for my future. I remembered that during the interview, I just want to get out from my current job and working inside that hotel. But I don’t have a strong purpose to kill that interview, because I don’t know what I really looking for from resigning from my current work. And for two weeks, I couldn’t move on and I punished myself, take a blame for myself.
A few months ago, I went back to Malaysia for a few days. That moment, I was trying to find a better opportunity to build a better career. I was in touch with my company Malaysia boss’, asking her whether I could have opportunity to join Malaysia branch. She did meet with me, along with some of her colleagues, and unexpectedly interviewed me. However her final answer was it could be too difficult for me to join Malaysia team, as the clients there expect us as their partner to speak Mandarin, which I couldn’t. And if I force myself, I would face a lot of difficulties dealing with my tasks. I dreamed to go out from my own country, working either in Singapore or Malaysia, or even further. I’d love to speak English (even my writings are all in English), and I’d love to work with people from multi-country culture backgrounds. I do keep wishing inside, ask God open a door for me so I could go out and explore more. I did apply to many companies in Singapore or Malaysia. But there were no responses from any of them, as well as the opportunities. I was depressed, and I was feeling hopeless. I thought God had forgotten me. The last few months also had been my tough months, dealing with living alone in the city. I recalled myself wrote a couple posts talking about how I am in my comfort zone. And from there I understand that the biggest enemy in life is ourselves. The most dangerous enemy comes from within.
I found out that when things go so wrong, it seemed too difficult too handle, and I was stressed out. One reason. I was so distant to God and preferred not to talk to God during my sorrows. I did have negative thoughts and lose control of it, and then I came to the point of questioning God, why all of the bad things should happen to me. And those negative thoughts were turning back to attack me. I was creating my own enemy, built from within myself. I lost my faith. I lost my hope. And it was really exhausting. No wonder my energy got so absorbed so much and no break could replace it. My consciousness was telling me to keep believe in God, keep waiting Him. But when I see what I am facing, I was just too tired and lost my energy to fight back and keep my spirit burning. I tried to find answers of all the “whys” I kept raising. But some things are not meant to have answers, and we just need to let it go. I reflect and trying to spot the mistakes I had been made in the past. But some things are there not because we made mistakes, but instead they are there to shape us to be a better person. It’s all the theory I knew from my experiences, from the wisdom I received. But somehow, I couldn’t live with it. When I insisted to find answers, or find in which part I made a mistake, I tend to blame myself, and believe that I made myself to live in difficult days. So all those negative energies consumed me. And at the end of the day while I pulled up my blanket, I only have one thing in mind: “what a tiring day”. And then I went to a deep sleep.
Until I came into one point, that live is so boring without something we are holding onto. I was so gloomy all day long, and I did not find anything in my life that could interest me. I was bored. And that time, I started to find my way back to God. In the midst of my tiring day, I was forcing myself praying to God like I was used to do before I sleep. At first it was too difficult for me to start again. And it came to my mind that you don’t need to sit and fold your hands to talk to God. You can talk to God everywhere and anytime. So I built up my faith at first, and started to talk to God wherever I go and whenever I do.
And things were started to turn around better.
It’s not because life is brighter when we live in God. But it is because our paradigms change. We do not see towards our problems and hard times anymore, but instead we are seeing things from God’s perspective. When we are in trouble, we hold onto our hopes. We believe that this too shall pass, we believe that God will guide us through, we believe that everything happens for a greater purpose, a purpose that God once made before.
But life is just like when we swim. When we are taking a breath, we look forward or up. But when we are holding our breath, we drown our heads inside the water and we look down. Life is a matter of being up and being down. But how many times we are able to climb after our fall is what truly define us.