Quality waiting

There’s always a thing about waiting.

A few days ago, I found out that some of my friends were getting engaged with their boyfriends. There are some who just got in a relationship a few months ago, and suddenly they upgraded their status to be engaged. And some others are already in a relationship for quite some time, and then step in to the next ladder of the relationship, to be engaged.

I found myself standing in between of all my best friends, close friends, being single and not even have any one I knew that might be my future partner yet. Almost all of them are in pairs now.

So I spend most of my weekends at the gym, and resting early at night since nobody I could talk to during my idle time, shop for leisure or do my groceries by myself, traveling out of city of country by myself, and eating alone at the prestigious place by having my own quiet reading time.

I do long for having someone by my side, spend most of my idle moments with him, doing things I and he loves together, and learn about each other from time to time.

There’s many things in this world that we cannot control, and one of them is having a perfect life-partner. I might became like old days, when I was a bitch who complains my status to God. But as the days go on, I see myself in the midst of having a fear to have a partner. This doesn’t include for just a “boyfriend”. You see, the good thing of being a grown up is you don’t look for a guy to be just your boyfriend, but you see your future with him. And nowadays, it is really difficult to find the “perfect match”.

I had a bunch of list that indicate how my future husband should be. That came with so many pages. But the more I meet people, the list had slowly got lessen by itself. There is no perfect guy anywhere, just a “perfect match”. Someone who fits your flaws perfectly.

I learned that happiness doesn’t come by being with someone perfect, but by being with someone who loves you infinitely. It should be enough.

I saw many acquaintances who got married for years and decades, but their marriage is at the stake. And happiness in their marriage is just so far away from their reach. Even for Da and his new wife.

Marriage is suddenly become so scary.

That’s why it is important to wait.

I am an impatience individual, and I had trained myself to be patient with things. Well, I got lost for some of the things during the training. But I trained myself to be at least patient with the people who are around me. And when I see back, I see myself had changed.

The purpose of this “patience training” is not far from developing a character which be able to wait for God. There is a time for everything, and that time should be God’s time. I imagine God has His own wearable watch that tell Him when to do this, and when to do that, just like us who look at our watch when to wake up, get prepared, go to work, eat, going home, workout, and many else.

I have seen how God does His work on me in His time. Especially that came up lately, in my new job.

When I told my friends that I am going back to Jakarta (again) to pursue a career opportunity there, the funny thing that they told me: “maybe your soulmate is not here (Bandung), but there (Jakarta)”. Well, I consider that as their prayer for me.

And this time I should be really careful in choosing a new community, while I am waiting. The one that I don’t expect to find anyone there more than just friends. The one that I knew I could grow more and shaping my characters even more. The one that could really be my second family while I am away. And by the time all the process are finished, then it’s time for me to receive His blessing.


Getting wiser

The older you get, the wiser you get.

This morning, I approached the center manager of the company I work in currently. Telling her that I am going to leave the job I am in now, for a better career back in Jakarta. I am officially accepted in Indosat, and tomorrow (Thursday, July 9th) they invited me to Jakarta, to sign the contract. At first I was thinking to tell the manager a lie. But I think if you are lying to someone, that means you don’t respect the person. So I made a decision to tell her the truth. I did feel scared that she won’t allowed me to take a one day off when I was supposed to not have any day offs during the probation period. But whatever happens, I should take the risk. I prayed, ask for His guidance before I was going to talk with her. His answered was so perfect, just like as I hoped for. The reaction from the manager was, thank God, so positive enough, and I am allowed to go to Jakarta for contract signing and take a one day off tomorrow.

There was no tension during our talk. She said that she was sad that I have to leave. She likes the way I do things, and also I am a fast learner, and she needs someone like that. I told her that I’m also sad because I need to leave my comfort zone. I just settled things in Bandung, I just got friends and we are getting closer, I am accepted in my working environment, I love how I live now. I can’t imagine how would my life be in Jakarta, working at Indosat. But I am a grown up, and my decision was no longer based on how much I wanted to live a relaxing life. I love challenges and since I don’t have any bond to anybody yet, I should take risks while I still can, while I’m still young. I told her that my decision was based on how my future would be if I’m taking such a rare opportunity. Life is not to mess around anymore. I would be stupid enough if I reject such a great offer.

The manager complimented me, told me that my decision was a wise decision. And she can accept my decision. Plus she’s also happy for me. I am grateful that I could have a supervisor that kind. I’m also grateful that God has blessed me with such a wonderful blessing.

I got this opportunity out from nowhere. There was a random offer came from Malaysia, a good friend of my friend’s, suddenly offered me the opportunity to work in Indosat. The user in Indosat has a friend in Malaysia, and this friend is a good friend of my friend’s boss. I once wondered why what was the purpose of God sending me to a land of desert, Malaysia. Three years had passed, and now I understand. I would never have gotten in at Indosat if I was never go to Malaysia, because I would never be in that circle. I believe this is the path I should take considering how God put me in the process from the first day.

I believe this is how God wanted me to be. To live a dangerous life. Taking risks. God wanted me to grow. To be smarter, to grow even more than I already am.

I also believe that I would find a way to manage my time, balancing between work, social life, and working my body as an athlete.

I realize that leaving my hometown would be such a difficult process for me. Especially when you had already attached to it. I knew I have some issues with moving on. I don’t know how would I be in Jakarta, but I just have to put my trust in God. Most of the times we don’t know what we really need for our lives. We may know what we want, but that does not mean that what we want is the best for our lives, or for our futures. So I learned to just walk on whatever is going on in my life, let go for the things I want, because I found out that my wants are just temporary. It may change some day in the future. And then I might be disappointed.

If God wanted me to walk on this journey, He will help me with anything to get through it.


our meeting

It is difficult to move on from someone you truly love A N D the one who you put your hopes to. Many times I doubt myself, questioning myself: “have I moved on?”. Sometimes I’m thinking about him, wondering how has he bee. Wondering, how is his life now be. And when someone asks me the question: “if you are given a chance to reunite with him, would you consider to take him back?”. Honestly, I haven’t been thinking about it. I don’t know what to answer. Because deep in my heart, I know that my love for him was real, I was falling too deep for him. And the reason we broke up was not because we were not fit into each other. I knew that we would be still together if not because circumstances blocked our feelings to grow, our relationship to be closer.

But I realized that I have, moved on.

Yesterday, Sunday morning at church. It was our first meeting after about a year perhaps. Or even more – kinda forgot. Funny that I had never met him when I was working in Jakarta. Even Ma randomly told me that she never met him either. We sat separately from across the room in church. I think he saw me first before I went to the ladies room, and entered the room while looking at surroundings. We gazed into each other.

Somehow I was quite happy seeing him. He was no different from the last time I saw him. My heart was pounding quite hard, and I didn’t know why. And that time I started to questioned myself. “Do I still like him?” (or worse, love). But as the service went on, I started to forget that he was actually in the same room as me. And by the time the service finished, I didn’t even think to search for him among the leaving crowd.

I went for a swim training at the hotel near my church, and did not even think about him since.

That was how I’m sure that I had completely move on.

I did dream about him during the night. But perhaps because of the curiosity that still consumed me for a very long time and not yet solved until now.

I knew that I had moved on from the love I used to feel for him. I didn’t even think to get a birthday greeting from him (last year I got the birthday greeting through email). But I haven’t made peace from the pain he caused me during the break-up. I am still in disappointment until today.

Then it crossed my mind that I once told him: “even though I want to made peace with you by deleting all the social network friendship, but it doesn’t mean that I am forgiving you. It may take years for me to completely forgive you”. Two years have passed since our breakup, but not even a day I could have completely forgiven him.