our meeting

It is difficult to move on from someone you truly love A N D the one who you put your hopes to. Many times I doubt myself, questioning myself: “have I moved on?”. Sometimes I’m thinking about him, wondering how has he bee. Wondering, how is his life now be. And when someone asks me the question: “if you are given a chance to reunite with him, would you consider to take him back?”. Honestly, I haven’t been thinking about it. I don’t know what to answer. Because deep in my heart, I know that my love for him was real, I was falling too deep for him. And the reason we broke up was not because we were not fit into each other. I knew that we would be still together if not because circumstances blocked our feelings to grow, our relationship to be closer.

But I realized that I have, moved on.

Yesterday, Sunday morning at church. It was our first meeting after about a year perhaps. Or even more – kinda forgot. Funny that I had never met him when I was working in Jakarta. Even Ma randomly told me that she never met him either. We sat separately from across the room in church. I think he saw me first before I went to the ladies room, and entered the room while looking at surroundings. We gazed into each other.

Somehow I was quite happy seeing him. He was no different from the last time I saw him. My heart was pounding quite hard, and I didn’t know why. And that time I started to questioned myself. “Do I still like him?” (or worse, love). But as the service went on, I started to forget that he was actually in the same room as me. And by the time the service finished, I didn’t even think to search for him among the leaving crowd.

I went for a swim training at the hotel near my church, and did not even think about him since.

That was how I’m sure that I had completely move on.

I did dream about him during the night. But perhaps because of the curiosity that still consumed me for a very long time and not yet solved until now.

I knew that I had moved on from the love I used to feel for him. I didn’t even think to get a birthday greeting from him (last year I got the birthday greeting through email). But I haven’t made peace from the pain he caused me during the break-up. I am still in disappointment until today.

Then it crossed my mind that I once told him: “even though I want to made peace with you by deleting all the social network friendship, but it doesn’t mean that I am forgiving you. It may take years for me to completely forgive you”. Two years have passed since our breakup, but not even a day I could have completely forgiven him.


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