General

Blessing in disguise

Adapting to a new environment is not easy.

I just started my first week at my new job in Indosat. Before I got in, I knew that when I decided to join Indosat, I would be fully occupied with all the work-thingy. It would be different when I was in GfK, moreover in Bandung. And it is true. I found that people who work here are working hardly during the working hours. And by the time the clock shows it is time to go home, they continue their works tomorrow. It is more effective than when I was in GfK.

I like it like that.

But the hardest part for me being here is that I am working independently. No one to be asked to, and all members of the team have their own roles, and they are so busy with what they have in hands. I myself was hired to be the project manager assistant. While my project manager is so busy, occupied with lots and lots of meeting, it will be much more difficult for me to ask her. I cannot easily ask her because her time is so tight. So most of the time, I have to work alone. And also, my position is a new position in this division, and nobody could explain or teach me anything since the one who is understand is just my very-busy manager.

I got no friends to have my lunch with. I got no friends to talk to since most people in the team are half-aged people and their topics are so different for people in my age.

But the good thing for being here is that this work allows me to converse in English everyday. My manager is Malaysian, the consultant of the division is Australian, and the director is European. I could improve my English conversation skill. I don’t say that my English are great or perfect, but what I would say that I am grateful that I am able to speak in English confidently.

This made me think, why God put me in such a similar situation: loneliness at the workplace, like what I felt in my previous job. But I knew, I had grown up, so I cannot complain.

So this is what I imagine.

I remember that a few months ago – or a year ago – I told God how I really wish to work abroad. I am dying to go abroad and working anywhere in the world, especially in the countries which English is their first language. I had already applied, but no response from anywhere. So I gave up. It is true that when you are getting out from the country that is not your birth country, it’s just too difficult for you to get in again. But no regret.

Until I got this job in Indosat, which forced me to work individually and speak English every time.

Last night when I was thinking why God put me into a worse situation as before, a thought came into my mind: perhaps this is a preparation for me to be able to live abroad.

Living abroad is much harder than living here. Friends will be much harder to find. When you work, you work independently, focusing on your own role, and it would be harder for me to ask around freely. Language will be the first barrier if you don’t get used to it. Struggle happens on the road when you are going to the office. Family is so far away, and you can’t rely on them anymore. Basically, you are on your own.

Well, that makes sense if God is really put me into a preparation.

I believe when God put someone in a hard situation, that doesn’t mean that the future would be easier. This year is the year when my level is up, like in the game.

My last 1.5 years in GfK was so much struggle, so much tears and pain, and I won’t be the same as I was now. No tears although there will be a pain. I am here to grow, since I remember one of my resolution of the year was “go out (well, actually this means I go abroad, but hasn’t fulfilled yet), and grow more”. I am willing to learn the hard way, because I had experienced how God’s grace is a blessing in disguise.

So, teach me and prepare me to something greater you had planned for my future, God.

General

will always love you..

you see..

the thing about being in love..

i once told a man a promise when we broke up. a promise that i knew when i said that, i would never broke it.
we had a rough break up. the one that made us an enemy today. the one that would never be recovered from both of us. the one that would never allow us to get back together.
this is how strong the word is. during our last talk, i told him that i will always love him.
and yes, it is still true until today. i do still love him from far away. watching him growing, watching him to be the proud of his parents, watching him being happy, watching him enjoying his life. and although everybody would say that i deserve much better, to me, he is still a handsome man he was when we were together.
he is still the man i am thinking when i get lonely during the nights.
i knew that God knew that deep in my heart, I occasionally wonder, would we ever reunite one day? but by seeing how we ended and how things were so messed up, i don’t think that we are meant for each other. i don’t think that we are meant to be friends either. we are meant to be this way.
i do miss him. like, a lot. and when i do, i just wonder how he’s been doing. but i realized that i had moved on. that’s why, i don’t have a strong desire to contact him or have any expectations to be with him again. but inside, there’s a big box that stores my true feelings for him. that my love for him has never been away, not for a second. moving on is not about forgetting, but it’s about accepting the reality that we cannot be together.
so i just live with it. and when i’m alone, i open that box and sit in front of it, and watching all the feelings out filling the room. and it hurts like hell. sometimes i cry. sometimes i blame myself (still). sometimes i try to release the pain by torment myself with lots of heavy workouts and a long high intensity trainings. nobody would see this. only God can. and i believe He listens. and He feels the pain i feel. and He understands. and i accept that God won’t do anything about it. this is how i had moved on.
and from there, i could understand my feelings for him. real. it is pure true feelings of of being deeply in love with someone you cannot be together for the rest of your life. it’s not that i’m not letting him go. if i haven’t let him go, i would be so desperate trying to be in touch with him. but i’m not. i just feel so sorry for the things we had been through that made us an enemy, instead of a lover.
if he’s belong to another woman, he has my blessing, as long he is happy. that’s the most important thing for me.
a promise i told him that i keep until today: “because i will always love you, i want to see you happy, even if you are belong to someone else”.