the thing about being in love..
i once told a man a promise when we broke up. a promise that i knew when i said that, i would never broke it.
we had a rough break up. the one that made us an enemy today. the one that would never be recovered from both of us. the one that would never allow us to get back together.
this is how strong the word is. during our last talk, i told him that i will always love him.
and yes, it is still true until today. i do still love him from far away. watching him growing, watching him to be the proud of his parents, watching him being happy, watching him enjoying his life. and although everybody would say that i deserve much better, to me, he is still a handsome man he was when we were together.
he is still the man i am thinking when i get lonely during the nights.
i knew that God knew that deep in my heart, I occasionally wonder, would we ever reunite one day? but by seeing how we ended and how things were so messed up, i don’t think that we are meant for each other. i don’t think that we are meant to be friends either. we are meant to be this way.
i do miss him. like, a lot. and when i do, i just wonder how he’s been doing. but i realized that i had moved on. that’s why, i don’t have a strong desire to contact him or have any expectations to be with him again. but inside, there’s a big box that stores my true feelings for him. that my love for him has never been away, not for a second. moving on is not about forgetting, but it’s about accepting the reality that we cannot be together.
so i just live with it. and when i’m alone, i open that box and sit in front of it, and watching all the feelings out filling the room. and it hurts like hell. sometimes i cry. sometimes i blame myself (still). sometimes i try to release the pain by torment myself with lots of heavy workouts and a long high intensity trainings. nobody would see this. only God can. and i believe He listens. and He feels the pain i feel. and He understands. and i accept that God won’t do anything about it. this is how i had moved on.
and from there, i could understand my feelings for him. real. it is pure true feelings of of being deeply in love with someone you cannot be together for the rest of your life. it’s not that i’m not letting him go. if i haven’t let him go, i would be so desperate trying to be in touch with him. but i’m not. i just feel so sorry for the things we had been through that made us an enemy, instead of a lover.
if he’s belong to another woman, he has my blessing, as long he is happy. that’s the most important thing for me.
a promise i told him that i keep until today: “because i will always love you, i want to see you happy, even if you are belong to someone else”.