Lately he has been back in my imaginative life.
When I close my eyes; when the day has been too tough and have no one to talk to or to be with; when the day feels so long and got nothing to do; when the nights become too cold and lonely; when hope starts to fade, and wishes fly away like a dust; when weekends become too boring to be spent alone; during those solitude moments on my regular evening runs or endurance trainings; during those minutes on my way to the office; during the tiring hour when I am walking towards the office; under the intense heat of the afternoon sun. Every time I breath.
It feels like there’s a lot of things that needed to be spoken out, but each time I turn, I found darkness.
There’s a small urge inside me which just want to press that forbidden button. But I knew, once I hit the button, I could never stop to open the Pandora’s Box.
I never had thought that my life nowadays become harder, and more lonely than before.
And each time I look up and ask to The Above the same question as I once threw a few years ago: “why are you allowing me to be in this silence?”, I remind myself that this was meant for a greater purpose.
And yes, it is indeed hard.
I guess surviving is the only tool I have for now.
I somehow feel too tired to ask for more. I somehow think that perhaps I was made to be on my own, like, forever. And I am too desperate until I have no desire to fix my situation.
Try to cover up my sadness by being strong, and pretend that I am so independent and I don’t need anybody to support me in anything because I can take care of myself, I end up to be too hard on myself. I have suspicion on many things, suspect the intention of the people around me.
And then that thoughts stroke me, and telling me that I need someone who would understand me, and his figure came out.
Because he was the one who is able to fulfill such requirement.
But he was taken from me many years ago, and I don’t think that he would be able to find his way back to me, because that bridge between us, had broken a long time ago. And there is no way that he or me could even cross such distance without a bridge.
That is how I knew that we are not meant for each other.
What an irony.
But my kind of feeling to him, is never fade.
Perhaps I miss the situation I was in on that period of time. And I thought that he could fix the emptiness, filling the hole, complementing the blank points.
And perhaps because of that thought, he appears once more. And don’t know for how many times more.