Making peace

On Saturday I went to my friend’s garden themed wedding. Got no friends to go with because the groom’s friends are not exactly my friends, I decided to go with Ma to avoid that awkward moments when you are waiting the ceremonial to start.

I was not really into this party, so I dressed up on a simple slim one-shoulder yellow dress and tied up my hair to show my strong part of my body (which is the upper side), and wore my yellow wedges heels. I just wanted to appreciate he contacted me directly through whatsapp for a my confirmation to come to his wedding even though he has sent me the invitation.

Came exactly as the written time on the invitation, but turned out the wedding started one hour later. Brought Ma along was the best decision after all.

While waiting, I looked around and met some old fellas. Greeted them, and realized, that all of them already had someone to bring with. Whether spouse, or boy/girl-friend. And yes, whenever I looked around, I saw a lot of people had already hooked up with someone else. So I thought, where’s mine?

There is a time when I got really ignorant of my status of being single with no “partner-in-crime” by my side, and so comfortable with my solitariness. And there is another time when I feel really lonely and all I want is just having someone around me. Perhaps now is the time when I am so longing to have someone. Instead, God has not given me any sign of his whereabouts.

Each nights I reflected on myself, and see why have I not ready to receive someone. And realized that it is by my own choice I prefer to be alone for now. I realize that I have so much pain inside, and yet have no idea how to settle each of it. I just knew each time I tried to open up my heart even though to someone who is just a friend, I ended up hurting myself. I am so sensitive and thinking that I don’t need to lean to anybody because I can do everything by myself, to make my life “pain-less”. It is a choice I made over few years, but I also suffer from it since I keep feeling that kind of loneliness before I end my day.

I did envy some individuals when they came with their new partners, and some of them had already made a commitment to step further. And that moment I was thinking that they have met someone who is out of guess that that person could be their soulmates, maybe mine is too. So I drown into own thoughts, listing all the names that is possible to be a match. I do have two guys who are so close with me, but somehow, I just knew that none of them is a match for me.

I had fallen in love with one of them about five to six years ago, and now we are getting quite close as brother and sister. We were separated because of some situations, but managed to survive and reunite as a good friends until today. But when we reunited, we came as different individuals than the ones we were. I knew that I might have fallen for him again, I knew how responsible he might be, I knew all of his likes and dislikes, his dreams, his wishes and hopes, his hidden characters. He is great, indeed, but somehow I just don’t have that urge to make him as someone more than just “siblings”. And I also don’t think that he is my mate. I feel that he is just an ordinary guy God brought back into my life to sharpen my readiness before stepping into marriage life.

Another one is just a random guy my married best-friend introduced a few years ago. Well, to be frank, I just don’t like him. I never like him despite his big heart and his kindest intention towards me. We just never be a match in terms of likes and dislikes, principles, the way of thinking. And many times I made up reasons to keep him off of my daily lives, because I just don’t want to be with him on that specific time of day, while he often insist to spend time with me. But I appreciate his kind heart by being there whenever he desperately needs someone to talk to. I will be around for him, teaching him how to think and behave like an adult.

So if someone is asking me a question: “are you sure that is there no one around you?”, I would reply: “absolutely none”.

But you know, when you are thinking “when will he/she comes?”, there’s also an immediate response that telling you “he/she might be around”.

Looking at my own communities right now, I don’t see where he is.

Each time I am down because I am thinking too much on this thing, I realize that I am much better than my friends who are in the same position as me, single and haven’t found any match.

I see them got so many friends around them, hanging around with different people each day, can go to the church and sit together with their acquaintances, and when they come home, when they have in troubles, when they want to watch movies in theater, when they are going for an exercise, they know where to go, but yet they still feel so lonely because they don’t have boy/girl-friend to be with.

Hey.. You’ve got so many people around you and you are hanging around with different people almost everyday. And yet, you still think that you are so lonely?

While me. I made peace with my solitude. Even though there must be a feeling of being lonely, but somehow I enjoy doing my own things by myself.

So I have no other choice rather than to wait. I don’t even know who or what am I waiting, but I have no control, I’m done making control.

Where there’s a lot of issues I need to fix in within me, I am sure that readiness is to be the most important point. God knows when I am ready.

If I dare enough to walk alone, I am likely to find myself in many places that no one has ever visited before. And who knows what life would surprise you?

Being at the top or the bottom is a normal thing to each one. When I am down and feel so hopeless, I do feel sad. But holding onto something I believe is what make me stronger. And I guess being strong is what made me a survivor.


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