General

lonesome

Last Friday, I went for an evening run after work. When I just about to start, I was thinking, how far I would go that night. Planned to go for just a short one since I’m gonna go for a long run on Sunday morning, I ended up to do my long run that night. So I went for a 13K evening run, followed by a 15K Sunday morning run. Which was really exhausting.

But running makes me reflect on the burdens I have in mind. And I like that though it’s very tiring.

I knew I have spent a lot of time doing some activities by myself. If anybody conclude that I am really enjoying doing some things by myself, they are seeing the wrong side of myself.

So on that lonely night, I kept thinking, maybe I deserve to be alone. Don’t know for what purpose, but I just thought that I deserve the life I have now, a lonely one. I can’t stop my body from exercise and let it rest. If I skip run, I would go for a long swim (a non-stop 1.5K to 2.5K). A lot of people would ask me when they watch me: “what are you trying to achieve?”. I would answer: “I am training for the coming races”. But is that really the answer?

During my activities, I found the real answer comes from the deepest part of my heart. I might torturing my own body, exhausts it. But I can conclude that I am looking for an approval and acknowledgement.

I guess I am still having a severe pain from being rejected by few important people in my life. And that does not heal easily as it supposed to be. Even after years had gone by, I am still experiencing the pain in my heart until today.

Then I became too sensitive to interact with many people as well.

For some people, they might bounce to negative things, the things they would regret to for the coming years of their lives. But as for me, I bounce to something more to positive, which is an intense exercise. The more intense it is, the better I feel. I am satisfying myself by that. I could say that it is positive because it is healthy for your own body. Though I knew the negative outcome is that I might getting injured if I do that too heavily.

So here is what I see from me. When I saw my friends, even the closest one get specific invitations from their friends who are also my friends, I look at myself why I was not invited by them. It’s like they are keep forgetting me. I honestly become jealous when I saw their pictures on social networking webs, and decided to reduce the intensity of checking the social networking webs. It made me sad, and I isolated myself from everyone. Suddenly the thought of nobody wants me around just popped out.

Suddenly I was too lazy to hanging out with anybody. Because the more I see my friends, the closer the bond would be. And it would hurt me badly one day.

Then there was when the thought stroke, that maybe I deserve to be alone. I don’t know which or what mistake I should pay for a decent experience, but I think I just need to deal with it. Even at the lowest point I was thinking that perhaps God wants me to be alone.

I tried to control my thoughts by thinking that even being alone is one of God’s purpose for a greater good. But I am a very emotional individual who is most of the time got dragged out towards my emotional feelings. And then I got sad, or upset. I end up put myself into misery, a depression.

Human is a social being. But being sociable is sometimes painful, because you deal with a lot of different people and you gain the risk of getting hurt when you have crossed a different point of view, and then end up of losing the relationship bond.

I don’t want to lose another one again.

I even questioned myself, how could I love again if I am too afraid of getting hurt. Because the risk of loving someone means that you are risking your heart to get hurt.

I recalled myself of loving someone so deeply and poured out all of my feelings, dedicated my energy so much to love, I ended up getting depressed when the love hurt me so bad.

So, it is much safer when I am being alone. But though, it is very lonely.

I wonder if this situation is really made because of my own choice, or because God wanted me to.

Am I deserving a life with a loneliness?

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