when she came into the world

I know that for the days I have lived, I spent so much energy on being disappointed, of being heartbroken.

A lot of things had happened for such a short weekend. While I am having a guest in my place from somewhere distant, I feel like I am so exhausted. I chose not to show my true feelings in front of my guest. But the fact is I just want to be alone.

Waking up late on Saturday, I received a heartbreaking news once I opened my eyes. That moment supposed to be a moment of joy for him and his new family, but in the contrary became a heartbreaking story for myself.

I have never felt such an insecurity for my whole life, attacking me like a tsunami.

No wonder I had been so unstable for the past one week, and so lazy to interact with anybody else but my loneliness. It was the feeling that describe the occurred event for that Saturday.

I used to be so rebellious and so defensive if the things I cannot control attacking me. But that morning, I committed myself to withdrawal. I told myself not to be a part of his life anymore, even though we are still connected through blood. I told myself that I am still the only one Mija in his life, and no matter how many he would claimed he has, I am the one and only. Which means that I won’t and can’t acknowledge her to be a part of me, even if one day he’s gone.

Laying beside my friend, I held my phone while a teardrop ended on the corner of my eyes. My sights became a little bit blurry.

I threw my hope away. But God is too good. He spoke to me through a sermon I attended on Sunday.

“Never lose a hope to anything just because you are too afraid of getting disappointed,

Never lose a hope even though you get what you less expecting,

Never lose a hope because a hope placed in God would never go in vain,

Never lose a hope because all that happens in your life are still a blessing from the above”.

If it’s good thing, then we can literally say that it is a blessing.

If it’s a bad thing, then it is a blessing in disguise.

The pain meant for something. I learned that through pain I develop myself to be a more humble individual, to be a more sensitive person, to be someone who is always understand what it feels to be in a specific kind of situation. I learned to be empathized to others even more.


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