General

Goodbye to the good 2015, and hello to the better 2016

 

2015-12-27 23.36.59

As 2015 is coming to an end in a few hours, people start to work on some plans for the coming year. List of resolution are written down and are prepared to be done once we step into 2016.

 

This is what I would like to share for the blessings I received in 2015, reviewing back what I had received as a blessing from Him.

Through so many things happened in 2015, today I see myself standing as a much better person. I wrote many things about my feelings of loneliness because these days I have been living and do things by myself. But I see that as God’s way to teach me how to be more sensitive in things around me. Because when you don’t have someone by your side to talk with, you don’t have a choice rather than to talk with God. And that is when God comes and talk directly with you. I can hear clearly His voice when He talks with me, and it’s not my own voice. Somehow I just know that it’s Him who’s talking.

I’m still human too and need a human being to talk with. I did and still do feel lonely. But I learned that whenever I feel lonely, I talk with God. I tell Him that how pathetic I am that I don’t have anybody to talk with, or spend time with. He would not do anything about it, but by telling God so, somehow your consciousness realize that you are not alone, because you talk with a Living, and He is God. And I realized that I am not the same person as last year, treating my loneliness with self-pity. I’ve changed because though I did feel lonely, my mind was directly point to God.

I honestly skipped most of my morning or evening prayers during 2015, though I diligently going to Church. And I did not read Bible at all. I thought that God would leave me because I did not communicate with Him like how all Christians are supposed to. I thought that I am a naughty girl and God does not like that. But though I didn’t do Christians’ routines, I learned that it doesn’t determine who are you in God’s eyes. That I am still God’s beloved children, and He still directly speaks to me. He indeed is faithful isn’t He, so why shouldn’t we? The only thing that matters is my faith within Him. I don’t say that morning or evening prayers and reading bible is not important at all. But I learned that no matter how active you are as Christian, if you don’t have an active faith, you are still nothing other than someone who wears a mask. I learned this as well in my church, JPCC, that 2015 is a year of leveling up our faith in Him, believing Him that He takes controls to every aspects of our lives.

I do have trust issues, and the more I am being alone, the higher I have the trouble of trusting someone. Especially when someone close to you disappoint you, your feeling of trust breaks down even worse. Like what I had experienced for the whole year, so many withdrawals I made in order to protect my own heart of getting more hurt. But I realized that if I have difficulties to trust a human being, how could I trust an Individual whom I cannot see? I got the opportunity for being alone most of times, plus from my church as well, to learn to trust God even more and let God do His works. Most of the times it feels so silent and nothing seemed to be happening anytime soon, but His silence is a blessing in disguise. He formed me to be someone whose paradigm changed towards goodness and faith in Him. Sometimes all the logical thinking is not to be functioned in some situations and you just need to believe in Him.

While 2014 was all about getting stronger, 2015 is all about faith.

So, yeah .. 2016 is coming in a few more hours. And I hope that you all enjoy what your plans are, while I have to sleep in a few more minutes because this is what a runner does on New Year: early morning run xP (of course I would not wait until midnight to welcome the New Year)

Happy New Year to all of you. And may 2016 brings more blessing to all of us. May His promises are fulfilled in many wonderful ways we cannot imagine.

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General

Does happiness really means that you live your dream?

Does happiness really means that you live your dream?

I have been fighting with the severe feeling of loneliness lately. I got bored often about so many things. I feel bad of my own self lately. I feel like I have nothing to fight for. I need an escape, a change, but nothing seems to came up in the near time yet. I wait for surprises and the feeling of excitement when I get the surprise, but nothing seems to be appear anytime soon.

And most nights, I spend 30 – 45 minutes to staring at my phone to check on the social networking webs before I go to bed. Which is useless. Unproductive. And it also affects my emotional state where I start to think about how could they have a lot of friends to spend their time with, about how my friends are starting to get in a relationship or engaged and even getting married, about how they could travel to somewhere place. I knew that it’s unhealthy, that is why I am now trying to minimize the intensity of me being active in a social media (or even open the app itself).

But somehow when you get boring, you don’t want to do anything orher than checking your social lives. Even during working hours. When you are too tired and need a short break but you know you cannot go anywhere – not because you don’t want but because you can’t go anywhere for some reasons – you browse the web, checking on social webs. And that is what I did right before I write this post.

I was sitting in a small cafe, because I’m gonna have a corporate meeting coming up in about one more hour. I went early to the building across my office to have a meeting there. This building has a small cafe which serves great coffees. So I thought that I will just go there and do my work in the cafe before I go to the meeting. I just want to get out from my cubicle and spend some time of my own. I was being emotional and get annoyed easily in the office. Somehow, I just want everybody in the office to leave me alone and I suddenly feel I don’t want to interact with anybody. Everybody who knows me well would know that if I don’t want to be disturb they must leave me alone, or otherwise I would be overwhelmed. So the last thing I do is to have an “alone time” before I go meeting a bunch of people.

I opened some of the spreadsheets and planned to continue the work I had left earlier to get there. But I ended up checking my Facebook. At the very first list, I saw this friend of mine, she was one of my ex’s classmate in college in Singapore, posting her photo with her two children spending some time at the local beach (she is local, by the way). So I visited her profile and looked at her old photos. My thoughts did not go to how she lives her life, but to where she lives, which is Singapore.

It has always become my long – long, and far – far away dream of me living in Singapore. Working, and have a life there. It has been a long time since I was leaving Singapore, and yet I still have not recover from my lost. I do miss Singapore. And my dream is always to be able to move there and get settle there. But somehow the dream seems to be so far and unreachable. Somehow it seems impossible. And I do feel sad and disable. That why I write the opening state as: “does happiness really means that you live your dream?”.

From the moment I stand right now, I can think that I might be able to find my real happiness once I have achieved my ultimate goal, which is at this point of time is to live abroad. But as humans never get the satisfaction from ANYTHING (literally), one day I will arrive at the point where I will be looking another achievement to be pursued. And when I haven’t arrived at it, I will look at another insatiability and disappointment of myself.

There’s a guy who really needs to get on diet, so he goes for a regular run. As he progressing, he adds up the distance into his workouts. As he thinks that he has done enough with the regular workouts, he goes for a run race. A 5K, and then 10K, and then Half-Marathon, and then Marathon. Perhaps he gets bored with running, so he starts to think to advanced to a multiple stage sports called Triathlon, where swim, bike, and run done together in one sequel of race. He starts from the shortest distance, and then the second short distance, and then progressing to middle distance, and end up as an Ironman, the longest distance. When he has reached that title, he still thinks that he needs to do an Ultra-Triathlon which requires an individual to do those three sports continuously in days. That is how humans will never feel enough if they don’t force themselves to say “enough”.

Everyone has a dream. An ultimate goal of their lives. I do have too, which is right now is to find a job abroad and get settle there. To be an immigrant, I may say. And when the dream is fulfilled, I believe that I have another thing that I wish to accomplish in the future. And the circle will keep going on, adding another new list to be achieved. The most important thing is not to get so focused to your dream, but is to acknowledge what we have now in the process of achieving our dreams. And someday, without we realizing, the time has passed, things change, and dreams are fulfilled.

It takes a lot of patience to get through the process. It might be painful, but it is worthed. I believe in it.

And I believe that God won’t let us through dark moments if they don’t mean for anything in the future.

Be grateful of what we have now. Be creative of how to overcome the boredom. If you can’t go anywhere, try new things. Get out from your comfort zone and you will find what your mind never cross before.
And as time goes by, we won’t realize that we are finally arriving at our destination where “dreams (DO) come true”. And all of those process that form us to be a better person will be so much worth.

Believe me, the most amazing feeling in the world is the satisfaction of knowing that we are through those processes, good or bad, and that we change. 

The most happiness people are those who know how to embrace today, and worry less about tomorrow. 

It is true 🙂

 

General

Ta-da! It stroke me just right.

It came on the right moment (or at least that’s what i think). And maybe it’s just the time that i need to change my mindset for a better life of my own.
Okay, well, it’s about something that all single individuals on earth would be concern about. Which is, being single. 2015 is almost finish, and yet, all my friends (literally: ALL) has began a new chapter of their lives with their loved ones. Some got married, some had new mate, some got children as well, leaving me become a victim of their curiosity: “what happen to the “irin” they used to know who can’t live without loving someone?” Ha! It was the old me anyway, always depend on someone, especially on a boyfriend. But come to think about it, i do long for someone, a partner, a mate. I do pray to God every minutes, whether in a praying position or wherever i am, during those silent moments of my day. Again, like other introverts would do, i also do the same: withdrawing from my social life.
So a few days ago i read my friend’s post, suggesting the readers to take a look on her post and see the first three words we catch, and those words will determine how your 2016 would be. For me they were: love, beauty, money. Well, i did it just for fun, but believe it or not, it helps my emotional situation that day. So i was thinking: “love? Really? Can i really count on that?”. But again, as God’s children we don’t believe in such kind of thing. But at least i realized that even a simple game could build my fading hope.
On the next day, i spared my night to think under the darkness. Accompanied by a dim light from a small candle i always light each night, i reflected on myself, asking God whether He will send me someone. Of course, i didn’t get the “yes” or “no” answer. But instead He asked me back: “how could I send you someone if you keep complaining on your loneliness?”. Well, basically i don’t literally complain. But i do feel jealous when i see a bunch of people, friends, got really close and enjoying their moments together while i don’t have any communities. I do feel jealous when a couple walk together, holding hands, and spend some time together while i always go anywhere by myself. I do feel jealous when i really need someone to talk to, i found out that i don’t have someone i can really trust. It’s the jealous thing that can be considered as “complaining”.
God did raise the same question like a thousand times, but somehow this time is different. He showed me one big picture, like a slide show on a power point slides, how western people love to spend their own time. Going to a cafe by themselves, eating alone, enjoying their own bagels and coffees while reading their favourite books, go shopping alone, and many other things they love to do alone. And yet, they enjoy their lives because for them “me time” is a very valuable time. Then God said again: “I thought that you dream to have a life like the westerners had”. Yes, i do. So i really need to embrace the live i have now, while i’m still single, and, alone.
Perhaps my loneliness is because i live in this country, where being alone is like a nerd, you rarely find people who always do things alone. And i’m so influenced by how people see me (and some times, think of me), and then they pity me. Especially my close friends keep telling me: “it’s because you run so hard, you don’t have time to socialized and have a boyfriend”. Well perhaps it is the reason, and perhaps it is not. (Helloooo.. The introvert here is trying to socialized).
But first thing first, i really need to see this from a different angle. Maybe i can start from imagining if i live abroad, what would i do during those idle time? If i were them (the westerners), how would i see myself? 
It’s a good thing being ignorant, you know. Never care of what other people (even your close friends) see and think of you. 
Ok. Now i’m gonna need a stronger creativity to build my imagination.