General

Ta-da! It stroke me just right.

It came on the right moment (or at least that’s what i think). And maybe it’s just the time that i need to change my mindset for a better life of my own.
Okay, well, it’s about something that all single individuals on earth would be concern about. Which is, being single. 2015 is almost finish, and yet, all my friends (literally: ALL) has began a new chapter of their lives with their loved ones. Some got married, some had new mate, some got children as well, leaving me become a victim of their curiosity: “what happen to the “irin” they used to know who can’t live without loving someone?” Ha! It was the old me anyway, always depend on someone, especially on a boyfriend. But come to think about it, i do long for someone, a partner, a mate. I do pray to God every minutes, whether in a praying position or wherever i am, during those silent moments of my day. Again, like other introverts would do, i also do the same: withdrawing from my social life.
So a few days ago i read my friend’s post, suggesting the readers to take a look on her post and see the first three words we catch, and those words will determine how your 2016 would be. For me they were: love, beauty, money. Well, i did it just for fun, but believe it or not, it helps my emotional situation that day. So i was thinking: “love? Really? Can i really count on that?”. But again, as God’s children we don’t believe in such kind of thing. But at least i realized that even a simple game could build my fading hope.
On the next day, i spared my night to think under the darkness. Accompanied by a dim light from a small candle i always light each night, i reflected on myself, asking God whether He will send me someone. Of course, i didn’t get the “yes” or “no” answer. But instead He asked me back: “how could I send you someone if you keep complaining on your loneliness?”. Well, basically i don’t literally complain. But i do feel jealous when i see a bunch of people, friends, got really close and enjoying their moments together while i don’t have any communities. I do feel jealous when a couple walk together, holding hands, and spend some time together while i always go anywhere by myself. I do feel jealous when i really need someone to talk to, i found out that i don’t have someone i can really trust. It’s the jealous thing that can be considered as “complaining”.
God did raise the same question like a thousand times, but somehow this time is different. He showed me one big picture, like a slide show on a power point slides, how western people love to spend their own time. Going to a cafe by themselves, eating alone, enjoying their own bagels and coffees while reading their favourite books, go shopping alone, and many other things they love to do alone. And yet, they enjoy their lives because for them “me time” is a very valuable time. Then God said again: “I thought that you dream to have a life like the westerners had”. Yes, i do. So i really need to embrace the live i have now, while i’m still single, and, alone.
Perhaps my loneliness is because i live in this country, where being alone is like a nerd, you rarely find people who always do things alone. And i’m so influenced by how people see me (and some times, think of me), and then they pity me. Especially my close friends keep telling me: “it’s because you run so hard, you don’t have time to socialized and have a boyfriend”. Well perhaps it is the reason, and perhaps it is not. (Helloooo.. The introvert here is trying to socialized).
But first thing first, i really need to see this from a different angle. Maybe i can start from imagining if i live abroad, what would i do during those idle time? If i were them (the westerners), how would i see myself? 
It’s a good thing being ignorant, you know. Never care of what other people (even your close friends) see and think of you. 
Ok. Now i’m gonna need a stronger creativity to build my imagination. 

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