I almost forgot that I have a life in this literature world,
where I can freely say anything by pouring out my feelings and my thoughts into words,
where I don’t need to worry whether my conversation partner is gonna listen to what I have been trying to tell or not,
when the are some things I cannot express by talking face to face can be revealed through few simple lines.
I almost forgot that I have an imaginary world, which is filled by lots of emotional feelings when these fingers touch keyboard. I almost forgot how much I love to write, and how much writing can give me such a release from the burdens I have kept for so many hours / days.
I have been away since late January, that means about five months straight, without visiting this blog, at all. I feel that something is missing, like something has not been done though I have achieved quite a few things lately. I was too focusing on my, so called, “new” life for the past five months. Got myself into a running community in the office, and got some new friends from there, I filled my free time to follow everything going on there.
But writing is my life, and I knew from a long time that when God created me, He created me to be a writer. And that is the duty I need to commit to regularly do for the rest of my life.
So, once again, I’m gonna commit to the talent God has given me to write.
Today, as I am writing this lines, I’m suffering from a severe cough for the past 10 days. Thinking that this is the common cough I normally had, I tried to treat it by taking cough syrup I usually take when I have cough. But it did not work, so I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. She gave me antibiotics, but it turned out that they (the medication) don’t really give me so much effect on the cough. It gets worse, and I get fever. So, yeah.. Beside getting weaker, my emotional state is getting affected as well.
Earlier in the office, when some of Muslim colleagues were preparing to get home earlier for breakfasting at home, I talked with two other colleagues. At first, they were making a joke of me to find a guy and get married so someone would take care of me while I’m sick. And suddenly they came up with a question: “what is your problem?”.
It has been my question as well lately.. “What is my problem to find someone I could truly like, love, and get married with him?”.
I flashed back a few years back when I got the chance to choose whom I was gonna love and get into relationship with. I don’t mean to be arrogant or overconfident here, but yes, there was a time when I was surrounded by some guys who would take any chances to be my boyfriend. For some reason, I still see some people who would like to be. But I honestly don’t feel comfortable being approached by some guys I’ve met these days. Most of them are annoying and don’t really respect my needs. I am building a higher wall through time because of that. That wall is created when I am in the track doing my regular run, drown into the noise of splashing water, and fused with the wind when I am riding my bike.
And there I found one simple line to answer my question: “While they all fall in love with her smile, she waits for one who will fall in love with her scars”.
Nothing better could ever describe than that one simple line.
So they (my colleagues) asked what that means. I told them: “When I am in love, I love wholeheartedly, and he will get the privilege to feel all my sacrifices, cares, and everything I can give to show him how much I love him. But when someone breaks my heart, my whole world would be shattered in pieces. It’s not about how someone can fall in love with what is seen in me, but how someone can see how broken I am, and fall in love with it, and how much he can really take care it so my world would still be whole”.
“Deep”, they responded.
I guess for the past five months I was distracted by getting quite occupied with my new friends in the office, and in the church as well (got myself into a church community), I almost forgot how much I am hurt, how painful the scars could be.
I spent so many resting hours alone. I even went to Singapore last week and found myself to be really enjoying of being alone.
Well, maybe because today I am sick :p (and sick is because I guess I miss Ma as well)
I learned myself that when I am sick, my emotional state is at the weakest point. So yeah, anything, everything, starts to come out. All the unnecessary thoughts, especially.
That’s why I realize, I NEED to write 🙂
Talking is not my thing.. Writing is my thing..
I almost forgot, how much I love to write when nobody to talks to …
PS: gonna catch up on some things very soon..