Tentang Iman..

Aku belajar perihal Iman.

Aku kira, menjadi seorang penganut agamaku yang taat sudah menjadikan aku seseorang yang beriman. Tapi aku melihat bahwa sebenarnya menjadi seorang yang beriman itu tidak hanya di nilai dari seberapa taat kita terhadap perintah Tuhan.

Aku sudah bertemu dengan banyak orang dari berbagai macam kalangan yang dari luar terlihat begitu taat dengan Tuhan, tapi jika menyangkut masalah hidup dan mati, masa sekarang dan masa depan, iman mereka disandarkan kepada asumsi dan pengertian mereka pribadi.

Beberapa tahun masa pertumbuhan aku menjadi seorang wanita dewasa, aku dihadapkan dengan banyaknya pilihan untuk menjadi kuatir akan gagalnya rencana-rencana yang sudah aku susun sedemikian rupa. Ketika aku mendengar beberapa nasihat orang-orang bijak untuk jangan kuatir dan tetaplah percaya bahwa ada “Higher Force” pegang keberhasilan seseorang, aku tidak sungguh-sungguh tahu bagaimana caranya untuk menjadi tenang dan percaya bahwa jika sesuatu memang sudah disiapkan oleh Tuhan untuk terjadi, maka terjadilah. Aku pegang kendali akan pikiran dan otakku otomatis memetak-metakkan beberapa alternatif rencana lain jika rencana yang sudah aku susun dengan begitu sempurna nya tidak ditakdirkan untuk terjadi.

Begitupula dengan pasangan hidup. Aku selalu meyakinkan diriku bahwa jika aku sudah memilih seseorang untuk menjadi pasangan hidupku, maka dia akan menjadi yang terbaik untuk hidupku.

Dua – tiga tahun yang lalu aku masih berada pada titik dimana aku yang mempunyai pandangan begitu ketat mengenai hal kerohanian, ternyata memiliki iman yang sangat lemah. Putusnya aku dari kekasihku tiga tahun yang lalu membuatku berpikir, jika bukan dia pribadi yang akan menjadi pasangan hidupku, maka orang lain tidak ada lagi yang bisa. Proses penerimaan putusnya hubungan kami membawaku pada keputus-asaan, berpikir bahwa jika aku menjalin hubungan lagi, akan menghabiskan waktu yang sangat, sangat, sangat panjang sebelum hubungan tersebut berakhir pada sebuah pernikahan.

Aku terburu-buru ingin segera mendapatkan pengganti yang tepat.

Menargetkan satu tahun untuk move on, satu tahun mendapatkan pengganti, dan tiga tahun untuk kemudian memulai kehidupan “dua menjadi satu”.

Tapi Tuhan tidak ijinkan itu terjadi. Ketika aku dipertemukan dengan satu, dua, tiga, dan beberapa pria lainnya yang aku kira akan menjadi “calon” pasangan hidupku, harapanku dipupuskanNya dengan segala macam fakta-fakta pahit mengenai masing-masing mereka. Hingga akhirnya aku berkata: “tidak ada satu pun dari mereka yang akan menjadi siapa-siapa aku”. Lalu aku mengutuk diriku sendiri, seraya berkata: “mungkin selamanya aku ditakdirkan untuk hidup sendiri”.

Tapi Tuhan tidak pernah menyerah. Dia selalu menunjukan bahwa Tuhan akan memberkati aku dengan tujuan akhir hidupku: memiliki keluarga yang harmonis, bersama dengan suami, dan anak-anakku, sebagaimana aku tidak pernah mendapatkannya sepanjang hidupku. Tuhan selalu mengingatkan aku bahwa berkat datangnya dari Dia, seberapa keraspun aku mengutuk diriku sendiri, tapi jika Tuhan berkenan untuk memberkati, maka Dia akan mematahkan segala kutuk.

Usiaku 29 tahun, dan aku anak satu-satunya dari keluarga kecilku yang hilang 25 tahun yang lalu. Banyak anggota dari keluarga besarku sangat menanti masa aku melepas masa lajangku. Pertanyaan pun datang dari kiri dan kananku, mulai dari bertanya yang paling sopan, hingga menghina melalui kata-kata yang paling buruk, kapan aku menjadi seorang Nyonya. Sebelum imanku diteguhkan, aku akan merubah kata-kata dari lingkunganku menjadi sebuah tekanan yang membuatku untuk berfokus mencari seorang kekasih daripada mencari seorang sahabat untuk hidup. Masa-masa kesendirianku menjadi sebuah momen yang Tuhan berikan untuk membentuk imanku. Imanku tidak dibangun dari gereja-gereja besar yang aku datangi, bukan dari hamba-hamba Tuhan yang Tuhan pertemukan, bukan juga dari pengalaman-pengalaman baik maupun buruk yang aku alami. Imanku dibangun dari masa-masa dimana Tuhan sendiri yang datang ke hadapanku, menjadikan masa-masa kesendirian dan hari-hari kesepianku waktu untuk aku mengerti, bahwa berdamai dengan diri sendiri merupakan hubungan terbaik di dunia dibandingkan dengan hubungan antar sesama manusia. Dari situ aku dapat berangkat untuk memberikan kehidupanku untuk orang lain.

Jadi, jika seseorang begitu pedulinya memperhatikan kehidupan masa lajangku, dengan damai hatiku berkata: “jika Tuhan mau mempertemukan aku dengan dia, tidak ada satu orang pun di dunia yang dapat menghalanginya”. Aku berhenti kuatir mengenai bertambahnya umurku, dan fakta bahwa belum ada satu orang pun yang aku lihat untuk hidup masa depanku bersamanya. Aku berhenti memutuskan siapa yang akan menjadi suamiku, aku memulai berharap dan berdoa untuk Tuhan yang bawa aku ke satu demi satu tempat dimana aku kemudian akan bertemu dengan “the one and only”.

Jadi.. Jika aku bisa rangkaikan sederetan daftar mengenai terobosan iman yang aku alami selama satu – dua tahun terakhir, aku melihat beberapa poin yang aku sadar mengalami perubahan …

  • Jodoh. Tuhan tidak menurunkan jodoh dari langit. Tapi Dia akan mengarahkan aku pada jalan dimana tujuan akhirnya adalah pertemuan aku dengan pria dari Tuhan di depan altar.
  • Hidup dan mati. Aku tidak lagi takut mati karena Tuhan yang pegang waktu, Dia juga yang akan pegang kapan aku masih harus tinggal di dunia, dan kapan aku harus pulang.
  • Karir. Aku menerima kabar yang kurang baik mengenai karirku di pekerjaan yang sekarang. Ketika pertama aku tergabung di sini, aku berspekulasi akan ketidak-aman-an status karirku. Tapi aku belajar bahwa jika Tuhan sudah membawaku sampai pada titik ini, Tuhan  juga yang akan membukakan jalanNya untuk tetap membawaku berada pada posisi yang baik untuk hidupku.
  • Kegiatan sehari-hari. Aku terbentuk menjadi seseorang yang perfeksionis. Tidak ada yang bisa luput dari mataku mengenai “kesempurnaan”. Tapi aku hidup di dunia yang tidak sempurna. Karena prinsip kesempurnaan yang aku pegang teguh ini menjadikan aku seseorang yang sangat ter-rencana, aku membenci segala yang menyangkut hal-hal yang tidak direncanakan. Melalui beberapa kegagalan akan rencana-rencana yang sudah ada di benakku, aku dapat berdamai dengan diri sendiri dan berkata: “mungkin bukan itu yang Tuhan mau”. Kemudian aku menjalankan hidupku kembali tanpa memikirkan rencana-rencana yang gagal kemarin.
  • Meyakini bahwa semua yang terjadi di dunia ini bukan sebuah “kebetulan”. Akan ada campur tangan dari “kekuatan yang lebih tinggi” yang mengontrol kehidupan keseharian kita, walaupun kita diberikan kebebasan untuk memilih olehNya. Jika keputusan salah kita buat, menjadikan kita belajar bahwa manusia adalah makhluk penuh kesalahan, maka dari itu kita tidak dibentuk untuk menjadi sombong. Jika keputusan benar kita buat, menjadikan kita mengerti bahwa keputusan yang kita buat tersebut merupakan salah satu bagian dari rencana besarnya Tuhan.

Dan melalu iman, aku belajar untuk lebih mendengarkan suara hati, yang aku tahu di dalamnya terdapat suara Tuhan, untuk membimbingku menjadi seseorang yang lebih baik lagi. Aku tidak lagi terburu-buru untuk melakukan sesuatu, karena aku ingin dunia melihat perbuatanku merupakan cerminan isi hatiku (imanku).

Pemulihan datang dari penerimaan akan suatu kondisi atau kejadian, penerimaan di dapat dari kemenangan akan pertempuran batiniah mengenai benar dan salah. Hidup bukan didasari dari yang baik dan yang jahat, melainkan dari apa yang benar dan salah.

Kalau bukan Tuhan yang mengisi hatimu, bagaimana kamu akan hidup?

“What good is it if faith with no deeds?” – James 2:14-26

Time Bomb.

I was never understood the meaning of “time bomb” in life until I found myself to be so angry for unknown reasons. I have my reasons when I stay silent, and I enjoy every seconds of it. But among the darkness that surrounds me, I knew that this kind of solitude would bring me to the emotional tiredness. I won’t find an energy recharge here. 

I learned couple years ago how to cope with such situation without hurting anybody and myself as well. Thank God I adapt so well in a dynamic environment. 

When my friend told me that you need someone to talk to in life, you realize you found someone that could really understand you. Most of the times I couldn’t explain my own emotional state. I don’t know how I feel about life on that particular day. I just know that I need to be alone. The world has taken my energy so much so I couldn’t bare to show them how I feel about something.

I would find myself sitting silently while listening to jazzy music, reading a – so called – “heavy” book and drown inside of each lines. And then when I wake up from that part of world, I realize that it has past the night and it’s time to sleep.

I wake up another day to find myself still rounding in the same circle.

I don’t even want to hear pop music. 

Jazz is indeed your best companionship when you are alone with your book and your own world.

That kind of “I-don’t-know-what-to-do” makes me understand that I have so much to think about and I am so afraid that it may cause a huge explosion inside. 

That is when I see the “time bomb” lingering on my wall. It waits to explode. Or to someone or something to tame it. 

Ma told me that I’ve been too kind to anybody. No matter how much they disappoint me, and how much they apologize, and disappoint once more, and apologize once more, and on, and on, I always have a room for them in my heart. But if I say “it’s over”, then it will be no more turning back to make a plea. 

Some people would take advantage on this. 

I limit myself to three.

And many people would blame me before they see the whole piece of the puzzle.

And I always stay silent, while they are laughing at the low jokes and stupid assumptions. Letting them hurt me.

But I realize that I have built a “time bomb” within me when I stay silent that way.

I might be an overly-sensitive person, but my sensitivity had brought me to a positive life as well, where I could understand what other people might feel about sufferings and struggles. While on the other side, I might be easily offended about something I don’t like people prying about. 

I think it’s called respect. Bullying is a part of disrespect, either it’s verbal or non-verbal. 

And I think my ears and my eyes are really, … really .. getting tired of it.

Quiet moments at the hospital

Quiet moments.

That what I would named my latest six days of being sick and helpless.

I just got dismissed from being hospitalized for four days since Sunday. If I could recall the the day when I first got sick (Friday), I remember I couldn’t even leave my bed. I was so weak and could sleep the whole day. Then I forgot how strong I am when I am on the road, conquering the heat, the tiredness from bunch of workouts, losing my breath while underwater. I barely could stand. I was very disappointed because I was jealous of my friends being active while I stayed.

Two days later doctor claimed that I had typhus and dysentery amoeba and required me to be hospitalized.

But that got me thinking while I had nothing to do, nor sleepy, nor had someone to talk to. I could see things I couldn’t see when I’m working, while I have so many activities on my hands.

Rest. My best friend visited me at the hospital when I was waiting for the doctor to examine. I told him that I was sad and disappointed of myself because I wished I could exercise while everyone is on holiday. He responded: “Take this moment to reflect many things in your life. Most of the time, God spoke when someone at the quite moment and the lowest point of one’s life. And to be grateful as well that not everyone is as athletic as you are today, not everyone is as strong as you. Everyone experiences their falls once in a while”. And he was right. When I had nothing to do, I gazed through the ceiling and asked many questions. Somehow, though I did not get the answer, I received the wisdom and come through an understanding why things happened the way they were. The most difficult about life is not about the life we are living with all the problems, but it’s all about to understand and learn to accept things that are not meant to happen. So I see my sickness as the moment where I was forced to get rest because of the “unending” injuries I had from getting over-trained since few months ago. I was almost desperate until one of sport doctors in Jakarta told me that the only thing to heal a Plantar Fascistic injury is by taking a rest since I got a – so called – too perfect form of normal feet, said he. As I am back home, the doctor told me that I need to have another two weeks rest before I could start running again.

Friends. I recalled when I was still in School that I had so many friends. But sometimes I wonder, why I had few ones only today. I do know some people in my hometown, and my friends are still my friends, just not that close anymore. If I ever got the chance to go back to my hometown once in a while, I found myself sitting around at home rather than meeting my old-distance friends. I wonder why. Some of them would still in touch from Facebook, or Path, or Instagram. But none of them are willing to spend their time to meet me, and always say “I can’t today, I’m busy”, while it’s the only day I have (since I only back to hometown on the Weekends). So I stopped asking them out. If one wants to see me, they eventually would make time. My curiosity had brought me to see, which ones are really friends, and which ones are not. Sometimes you would see who your friends are when you are at your lowest point of life, and illness is one of them. And I saw who are they.

Faith. You know the nights when you are being injected by intravenous (IV) drip and it almost finished, the nurse has the responsibility to check and replace it because you are deeply asleep. When you are awake, you can easily call the nurse and tell them that it needs to be replaced. But do you ever think that how if the nurse miss her clock and she’s late just few minutes to check you? Well, it happened to me two times on my first night. The first night in the hospital is always the worse, because you are at your weakest condition, you are very sick. I was awakened by something I couldn’t explain within me, telling me to check on my the drip. When I opened my eyes, I saw blood has gone up 1/4 of the IV tube and found out that half of the tube was filled by the air. You know what would happen if that air got into our system. And that was happened two times on the same night because the doctor gave me so much medications through an IV as I suffer with severe gastric problem. When I tried to sleep after the second incident happened, I was thinking: “Oh shoot. Should I turn on my alarm? Should I stay awake?”. But then God spoke in my heart that if my time has come, He would call for my name eventually and there is nothing anyone could do to save me. Well, I knew that Voice was right. So I stopped worrying. I realized that I am not afraid of anything, even death itself, because I knew that God would make things beautiful in His time. I slept soundly that night, and the night after without worrying anything about the IV.

Promises. Human always breaks promises. If you don’t meant to fulfill it, don’t even say it. I found myself in the stage where it’s very hard for me to trust people, especially guys. I knew that my problem is because I don’t trust them. But I forgot the reason of not trusting them, and every time someone gave me a promise, I would end up: “you would break it anyway, why should I keep your words?”, and I wonder why. So, yeah … Now I’ve been reminded that it’s the promises I keep hearing, but no things come on a realization. I found one of my source of the problem, maybe I could start again from there to make a move forward.

Should I get sick if I need for a reflection? No. I don’t want anymore. But to be honest I kinda forgot how to be sick, because for the past couple years, the worse illness I caught is a bad flu. And I did really forgot how to be weak, because I’ve been strong within those years. Physically. Mentally. And I feel I am built from so many energies.

And today as I am sitting in my living room writing this post, I could literally say: “Being sick is sucks, dude. I don’t want to be hospitalized again”, and made me realize (and being reminded once more) that we are a creatures with many limitations.

Getting annoyed.

For those who knows me well, would understand why I do what I do. And that doesn’t mean they should known me for a long time, nor get close to me. I am in fact easy to read IF someone really pays attention to what I NEED.

Last Sunday, I went out with a group of my church friends. While there was about 15 of us in one table, of course we split up the conversations into smaller groups, the singles by chance. Mine, was discussing about “a kind of person we would fall for”. There was 4 of us there. I didn’t say anything about it, but they are the kind of people who gets to understand me before I spill out anything about myself.

“I know you are a kind of girl who is very strict on your requirements. You are very picky on who you are hanging out with, moreover with a kind of guy you would be dating. Once you make a decision about who should be getting inside of your life, you would keep them closely, and you push away the rest.” – said the two of them, while one of them nodded her head showing that she agreed.

It is true. Nothing could describe better than what they have been “reading” about me.

I have met some of new friends lately, starting the beginning of this year. But somehow, I got closer to the guys. I thought that was my “curse” since I was younger, having best guy-friends rather than the girls. But I do wish to have best girl-friends.

When we first met, we did switch phone numbers by telling me that maybe one day we would need each other in some thing. The “kind” part of me always telling myself that switching phone numbers would not do any harms because I am making friends. New friends. Expanding the network.

I noticed some of them have become quite possessive, asking me what I’ve been doing for the whole day, when will they see me again, asking me to hang out with them, and so on. And I didn’t reply any of their “personal” messages in order to limit their “area” of knowing me just as friends.

I don’t know what I do to make them become so comfortable to talk with me and being around me. That’s why I would call that as a “curse”.

But none of them fits any of my requirements. At least I knew that none of them is the one.

As I reflect to what my church friends have been saying, I get to understand more about myself. Sometimes I am lost why I get to be annoyed by people whom I don’t want to get inside my life. I understand that I am in fact an Introvert though some of my acquaintance would see me as a cheerful individual, talkative, and easy going, just like Extroverts. The thing about being an Introvert does not mean that they are reserved. But it’s all about a kind of energy we would lose from being surrounded by so many people. I could turn off all my connections to the world and enjoying myself reading a book, writing a book, watching TV Series I downloaded from my computer, playing games at night, because I knew that in the morning, I should be ready to open up myself to the world and do what I need to do during the daylight, and never show the sadness or burdens I have. When troubled, I would withdraw myself in seeing anybody. I would choose to be alone. Weekends will be the only time I cherish with all the “chosen” ones (family or friends).

And as I write this post, I am currently at the peak of getting annoyed by those guys, the ones who doesn’t understand that my ignorance is my polite way to say that we are just friends.

But again I also wonder, if I push away many guys I’ve known today, how would I see someone as my future mate? Some of my girlfriends are telling me that I am a difficult girl. It’s not about being difficult, but it’s about being careful. There’s a thin line about picky: are your requirements too high or are you just being too careful in choosing someone to love? I would say I am being extremely careful because so many loved ones I’ve known are making mistakes in their marriage.

Marriage is scary, man…

I had met some people whom I thought would be someone that could really work with me. But after one or two or three (or a little bit more) don’t fill in my list, I made the decision that we are just friends. And once that “friend zone” has been sealed, well I guess there is no turning back.

I told Ma that it has to be someone I like first so I wouldn’t push away anybody that I think annoy me.

The question is, would that be fair enough for the nature to send me my mate? Would that be decent for God to lead my way towards my mate?

I keep wondering and asking God, if this strictness is His will too as a process of Him guiding me to the one and only guy that would never annoy me, instead he will be someone who I look for for the rest of my life..

I learned to account on my Faith in this area of life. If God wants me to meet someone from Him, He will eventually. Just need to be a little bit more patient 🙂

Imaginative world of perfection

perfection-quotes-1

As she came approaching me while I was sitting at my working table, she asked me: “what are you doing this hour?”. I replied her: “just pouring some of my design ideas to this game”.

I have one most favorite game of all time, where I can imagine how my life would be if things are going so well, if there is “perfection” in this world. I have built my “life” inside of it.

“Are you creating your dream house?”, asked her. And I nodded as my focus was on the screen all the time.

While I was staring on the screen for some few hours until late night, her voice kept ringing in my mind. So I started to ask myself the same question. “What do I seek from here?”.

I had a dream to be an interior designer back there. While Da never approved my – so called – “fantasy” dream, I had no choice rather to attend any major in business school. Took two minors of Hospitality and Entrepreneurship, I realized that that dream, was never intended to be just a short-term wish. But it has become my passion, until today (just the one that never get to be true yet :p). I release my desire, ideas, and imagination into building a life in a form of 3D game. There was a time when I would feel so satisfy of what I created, and there was some other time when I would feel I should reset this and start from the beginning again. It has gone through the same circle throughout the so many years.

But the fact is that is not only about to wreak my deepest desire of being a designer, but also the kind of life I wanna have. What kind of start I wish to have, and what kind of end I would be having when I can control my beginning.

Once upon a time, I had nicknamed myself as “The Dreamer”, because my mind was full of imagination and crazy adventures. The best of me was born from that part of my life. There was one point, I wouldn’t know whether that is a reality or a dream, because too many things I hid behind that wall, the one which was separate the real world and the fantasy world. I woke up at the moment when my world was shattered because of the severe broken heart 3 years ago.

Until today, I still imagine if myself would be another person rather than me, because it would be easier to get things I wish to have.

But then another question popped up, if life is such a perfection, would we still be alive?

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PS: the game is called “The Sims” 😉