For those who knows me well, would understand why I do what I do. And that doesn’t mean they should known me for a long time, nor get close to me. I am in fact easy to read IF someone really pays attention to what I NEED.
Last Sunday, I went out with a group of my church friends. While there was about 15 of us in one table, of course we split up the conversations into smaller groups, the singles by chance. Mine, was discussing about “a kind of person we would fall for”. There was 4 of us there. I didn’t say anything about it, but they are the kind of people who gets to understand me before I spill out anything about myself.
“I know you are a kind of girl who is very strict on your requirements. You are very picky on who you are hanging out with, moreover with a kind of guy you would be dating. Once you make a decision about who should be getting inside of your life, you would keep them closely, and you push away the rest.” – said the two of them, while one of them nodded her head showing that she agreed.
It is true. Nothing could describe better than what they have been “reading” about me.
I have met some of new friends lately, starting the beginning of this year. But somehow, I got closer to the guys. I thought that was my “curse” since I was younger, having best guy-friends rather than the girls. But I do wish to have best girl-friends.
When we first met, we did switch phone numbers by telling me that maybe one day we would need each other in some thing. The “kind” part of me always telling myself that switching phone numbers would not do any harms because I am making friends. New friends. Expanding the network.
I noticed some of them have become quite possessive, asking me what I’ve been doing for the whole day, when will they see me again, asking me to hang out with them, and so on. And I didn’t reply any of their “personal” messages in order to limit their “area” of knowing me just as friends.
I don’t know what I do to make them become so comfortable to talk with me and being around me. That’s why I would call that as a “curse”.
But none of them fits any of my requirements. At least I knew that none of them is the one.
As I reflect to what my church friends have been saying, I get to understand more about myself. Sometimes I am lost why I get to be annoyed by people whom I don’t want to get inside my life. I understand that I am in fact an Introvert though some of my acquaintance would see me as a cheerful individual, talkative, and easy going, just like Extroverts. The thing about being an Introvert does not mean that they are reserved. But it’s all about a kind of energy we would lose from being surrounded by so many people. I could turn off all my connections to the world and enjoying myself reading a book, writing a book, watching TV Series I downloaded from my computer, playing games at night, because I knew that in the morning, I should be ready to open up myself to the world and do what I need to do during the daylight, and never show the sadness or burdens I have. When troubled, I would withdraw myself in seeing anybody. I would choose to be alone. Weekends will be the only time I cherish with all the “chosen” ones (family or friends).
And as I write this post, I am currently at the peak of getting annoyed by those guys, the ones who doesn’t understand that my ignorance is my polite way to say that we are just friends.
But again I also wonder, if I push away many guys I’ve known today, how would I see someone as my future mate? Some of my girlfriends are telling me that I am a difficult girl. It’s not about being difficult, but it’s about being careful. There’s a thin line about picky: are your requirements too high or are you just being too careful in choosing someone to love? I would say I am being extremely careful because so many loved ones I’ve known are making mistakes in their marriage.
Marriage is scary, man…
I had met some people whom I thought would be someone that could really work with me. But after one or two or three (or a little bit more) don’t fill in my list, I made the decision that we are just friends. And once that “friend zone” has been sealed, well I guess there is no turning back.
I told Ma that it has to be someone I like first so I wouldn’t push away anybody that I think annoy me.
The question is, would that be fair enough for the nature to send me my mate? Would that be decent for God to lead my way towards my mate?
I keep wondering and asking God, if this strictness is His will too as a process of Him guiding me to the one and only guy that would never annoy me, instead he will be someone who I look for for the rest of my life..
I learned to account on my Faith in this area of life. If God wants me to meet someone from Him, He will eventually. Just need to be a little bit more patient 🙂