That what I would named my latest six days of being sick and helpless.
I just got dismissed from being hospitalized for four days since Sunday. If I could recall the the day when I first got sick (Friday), I remember I couldn’t even leave my bed. I was so weak and could sleep the whole day. Then I forgot how strong I am when I am on the road, conquering the heat, the tiredness from bunch of workouts, losing my breath while underwater. I barely could stand. I was very disappointed because I was jealous of my friends being active while I stayed.
Two days later doctor claimed that I had typhus and dysentery amoeba and required me to be hospitalized.
But that got me thinking while I had nothing to do, nor sleepy, nor had someone to talk to. I could see things I couldn’t see when I’m working, while I have so many activities on my hands.
Rest. My best friend visited me at the hospital when I was waiting for the doctor to examine. I told him that I was sad and disappointed of myself because I wished I could exercise while everyone is on holiday. He responded: “Take this moment to reflect many things in your life. Most of the time, God spoke when someone at the quite moment and the lowest point of one’s life. And to be grateful as well that not everyone is as athletic as you are today, not everyone is as strong as you. Everyone experiences their falls once in a while”. And he was right. When I had nothing to do, I gazed through the ceiling and asked many questions. Somehow, though I did not get the answer, I received the wisdom and come through an understanding why things happened the way they were. The most difficult about life is not about the life we are living with all the problems, but it’s all about to understand and learn to accept things that are not meant to happen. So I see my sickness as the moment where I was forced to get rest because of the “unending” injuries I had from getting over-trained since few months ago. I was almost desperate until one of sport doctors in Jakarta told me that the only thing to heal a Plantar Fascistic injury is by taking a rest since I got a – so called – too perfect form of normal feet, said he. As I am back home, the doctor told me that I need to have another two weeks rest before I could start running again.
Friends. I recalled when I was still in School that I had so many friends. But sometimes I wonder, why I had few ones only today. I do know some people in my hometown, and my friends are still my friends, just not that close anymore. If I ever got the chance to go back to my hometown once in a while, I found myself sitting around at home rather than meeting my old-distance friends. I wonder why. Some of them would still in touch from Facebook, or Path, or Instagram. But none of them are willing to spend their time to meet me, and always say “I can’t today, I’m busy”, while it’s the only day I have (since I only back to hometown on the Weekends). So I stopped asking them out. If one wants to see me, they eventually would make time. My curiosity had brought me to see, which ones are really friends, and which ones are not. Sometimes you would see who your friends are when you are at your lowest point of life, and illness is one of them. And I saw who are they.
Faith. You know the nights when you are being injected by intravenous (IV) drip and it almost finished, the nurse has the responsibility to check and replace it because you are deeply asleep. When you are awake, you can easily call the nurse and tell them that it needs to be replaced. But do you ever think that how if the nurse miss her clock and she’s late just few minutes to check you? Well, it happened to me two times on my first night. The first night in the hospital is always the worse, because you are at your weakest condition, you are very sick. I was awakened by something I couldn’t explain within me, telling me to check on my the drip. When I opened my eyes, I saw blood has gone up 1/4 of the IV tube and found out that half of the tube was filled by the air. You know what would happen if that air got into our system. And that was happened two times on the same night because the doctor gave me so much medications through an IV as I suffer with severe gastric problem. When I tried to sleep after the second incident happened, I was thinking: “Oh shoot. Should I turn on my alarm? Should I stay awake?”. But then God spoke in my heart that if my time has come, He would call for my name eventually and there is nothing anyone could do to save me. Well, I knew that Voice was right. So I stopped worrying. I realized that I am not afraid of anything, even death itself, because I knew that God would make things beautiful in His time. I slept soundly that night, and the night after without worrying anything about the IV.
Promises. Human always breaks promises. If you don’t meant to fulfill it, don’t even say it. I found myself in the stage where it’s very hard for me to trust people, especially guys. I knew that my problem is because I don’t trust them. But I forgot the reason of not trusting them, and every time someone gave me a promise, I would end up: “you would break it anyway, why should I keep your words?”, and I wonder why. So, yeah … Now I’ve been reminded that it’s the promises I keep hearing, but no things come on a realization. I found one of my source of the problem, maybe I could start again from there to make a move forward.
Should I get sick if I need for a reflection? No. I don’t want anymore. But to be honest I kinda forgot how to be sick, because for the past couple years, the worse illness I caught is a bad flu. And I did really forgot how to be weak, because I’ve been strong within those years. Physically. Mentally. And I feel I am built from so many energies.
And today as I am sitting in my living room writing this post, I could literally say: “Being sick is sucks, dude. I don’t want to be hospitalized again”, and made me realize (and being reminded once more) that we are a creatures with many limitations.