I was never understood the meaning of “time bomb” in life until I found myself to be so angry for unknown reasons. I have my reasons when I stay silent, and I enjoy every seconds of it. But among the darkness that surrounds me, I knew that this kind of solitude would bring me to the emotional tiredness. I won’t find an energy recharge here.
I learned couple years ago how to cope with such situation without hurting anybody and myself as well. Thank God I adapt so well in a dynamic environment.
When my friend told me that you need someone to talk to in life, you realize you found someone that could really understand you. Most of the times I couldn’t explain my own emotional state. I don’t know how I feel about life on that particular day. I just know that I need to be alone. The world has taken my energy so much so I couldn’t bare to show them how I feel about something.
I would find myself sitting silently while listening to jazzy music, reading a – so called – “heavy” book and drown inside of each lines. And then when I wake up from that part of world, I realize that it has past the night and it’s time to sleep.
I wake up another day to find myself still rounding in the same circle.
I don’t even want to hear pop music.
Jazz is indeed your best companionship when you are alone with your book and your own world.
That kind of “I-don’t-know-what-to-do” makes me understand that I have so much to think about and I am so afraid that it may cause a huge explosion inside.
That is when I see the “time bomb” lingering on my wall. It waits to explode. Or to someone or something to tame it.
Ma told me that I’ve been too kind to anybody. No matter how much they disappoint me, and how much they apologize, and disappoint once more, and apologize once more, and on, and on, I always have a room for them in my heart. But if I say “it’s over”, then it will be no more turning back to make a plea.
Some people would take advantage on this.
I limit myself to three.
And many people would blame me before they see the whole piece of the puzzle.
And I always stay silent, while they are laughing at the low jokes and stupid assumptions. Letting them hurt me.
But I realize that I have built a “time bomb” within me when I stay silent that way.
I might be an overly-sensitive person, but my sensitivity had brought me to a positive life as well, where I could understand what other people might feel about sufferings and struggles. While on the other side, I might be easily offended about something I don’t like people prying about.
I think it’s called respect. Bullying is a part of disrespect, either it’s verbal or non-verbal.
And I think my ears and my eyes are really, … really .. getting tired of it.