every girl’s first love

Each time i sit beside him, i never feel home. Home is the place where the purest love exists, where you can learn what you cannot learn, where you can receive what you cannot receive, where you can tell everything what you cannot tell to the outside world. Home is the place where the fundamental of life is built with trust and honesty.

But he is not a home to me.

I recalled myself few years ago, when i decided to fix the broken relationship with him, i came back from my runaway. Gain each other’s trust. Start from the beginning when we met after he was gone in those critical years of my life. Because i believed that people could change. I went back from the desert, broken and confuse. I need to fix something. And i chose to fix our relationships. The broken me thought that being near to him would heal me. I could learn to be much stronger, and things would turn to be better.

I lost a love. But i need to love. And be loved. Channeling that love to him would do me any better, i assumed. I could replace the love i lost by loving him. I believed he is changed. I believed he will love me like he was never be before. I believe he will redeem his absence in my life throughout the years. I started to believe everything about his life. 

I was welcomed with a surprise that he was someone i never knew before. I guess people really do change, worse. The little girl inside of me felt insecurity. Tried to get along with him, but there’s a wall standing between us, and it gets higher by days. We are so close, so near to each other, but yet we are so far apart. When we fought, we turned to be the worst part each of us could be. Evil. Our words became swords that hurt each other’s hearts so deeply. We let darkness fill us and have power on us. He let himself.

And he meant every words. No appologize would be coming out from his heart, no matter how hard i tried to appologize, he will always be .. that .. cold.

I turned bitter.

The reason we fought was that i needed to tell him the truth, things i felt, i feel. Be honest to each other.

But he taught me how to be liars. He is not someone where he can be my home anymore. I never see love coming out from him. Especially for me. 

For some time in each month i would spend some of my days with him. Seeing him with few people that should not be here, should not be in my life, in our lives Those days will never be my best days. But i was, and am willing to sacrifice hours and days of my freedom to be with him. Before i meet with him, there will always be hours or days needed for me to recharge the emotional energies to be absorbed by the negativity he always throw at me.

But he seems happy. And i guess that’s all that matter. And i guess i am stucked with God’s command to respect and love him no matter who he is become. The more i am trying to hate him, the more i am hurting myself. And i am also stucked with the gift God me to be so sensitive in loving someone. 

Tell me, God. What do you want from me for him? 

she under the rain

That was the night when she got really angry of nothing. She destroyed her beloved companion when she is traveling alone. Unintended. As she was driven by those hidden emotions, angers, disappointments she long kept for the sake of nobody. Friends and family told her that keeping feelings by herself would crash her from the inside, awaken the darkness inside of her. She knew. But she wouldn’t listen, because it’s not all that matters. What matter is that she needs someone. But she couldn’t find anybody around her.

She thought that when she let someone in, she will be left behind eventually. She chose not to.

She stayed awake for the whole night. In the dark. Silence. She lost her sleeping companion.

Clearly she listened to the water hitting the roof. It’s raining tonight. She was wet when she reached home, as the moment she stepped out of the building, the rain started.

It came down at the worst moment, when she was walking in pain and extremely exhausted. She just want to reach home as fast as possible, but why suddenly it seemed so far away? Took a long time to reach to the destination. She began to ask random questions. Why it is so painful?

The night is the critical hours when the whole day’s burdens are accumulated, and thoughts are turned to be choices we should make. She believes that dream could erase those regrets. When she wakes up, she always finds herself forgetting about what she dreamed about for the past night. I, myself think dreams are so beautiful yet it also release all those negative energies. It swallow tears, it healed the broken hearts. It only leave apparent sign in the mirror’s reflection. Once we step out, it’s gone, and we forget everything.

Nothing could change, time wouldn’t be turned back. She turned her palm, closed her eyes. But she still find herself sitting in the same place. She realized that magic never exist. She couldn’t go back to the past. No wonder there are a lot of sayings telling us to move forward, because no one has ever got the power to go back to the past. No wonder many people living in regrets. It is a choice that one’s must make how to live: keep going or stay still while keep asking “why” but will never got the chance to find enlightenment.

Most of the time she sees people walking forward while their subconsciousness hide their true emotions: “i wish it did not happen”. I see in her too. I feel in her too.

Rain really changes her mood. Or maybe rainfall is a sign that that night she’ll cry.

Well, but I guess sorrow is when she is at her best. Embrace it, girl.

Rumi

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere

They’re in each other along

Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love

Don’t grieve

Anything you lose comes round in another form

The wound is the place where the light enters you

When you do things from your soul, you fell a river moving in you

A joy

Your task is not to seek for love

But merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it

Our beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing there is a field

I’ll meet you there

When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about

Let the beauty we love be what we do

If you are irritated by every rub, how will be polished?

Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?”

————— Rumi

Blind pool

Just got back from the pool.

Supposed to go to a public pool, but ended up in a gym pool.

Swam for about 40 minutes in the cold dark pool beside my office. When i signed up to be a member here, i knew i wouldn’t use the pool because i was too scared (for some reasons) to swim there. But this evening i’ve got a companion.

The pool is 25m length with about 1m depth. Shallow. But i barely could see the bottom. That scared me to hell.

At the first 100m i did sprint and lost my breath after that. I knew i should face my fears. Find a way out. 

I fear of the darkness. I fear of what it may do to me.

People say that i am a brave one, when i see something challenging, i would go and face it, and conquer it. 

But not for darkness.

I have never felt that insecure to swim in a pool. All those calms when swimming in a 50m length and 5m depth pool, and enjoyed myself when swimming in the ocean, it’s all nothing compared to swimming in the dark. 

No wonder i am so scared to go for an open water diving – though i really wish i could be a diver – because the deeper you go, the darker it is. 

Turned out the pool is under treatment. Bitter, dirty-dark. 

I stopped at my 1,525m.

Thank God i’ve got a friend this evening. Thanks to you, L! 🙂 

Awkward.

Maybe you are making a bad joke,

or you are trying to make awkward conversation,

or you just want to sit tight,

and listen to what your friends are talking about,

and laugh with them.

—————————-

You are having a bad day.

But you can’t laugh on your own.

Sometimes you would talk random things with your closest person.

You open your instant messaging application,

search for their name,

and start a conversation with them.

You make unimportant things seem important.

So you would have something to talk.

—————————-

You are far far away apart from them.

The city separates you from each other.

Time keep you distance.

You wish to see them.

You wish to sit and feel their presence.

But maybe you yourself are too busy to visit them.

—————————-

But when you raise your phone,

you think whether it is the best time to contact them.

Because best-friends fight,

parent-child conflicted,

husband-wife don’t talk to each other.

People may not in a good terms from each other.

And that’s okay,

because emotions influence relationships,

even the closest ones.

—————————-

You do have people like them around you.

Close to you,

near to your place.

But at some point of time,

you won’t look to each other’s eyes.

You won’t meet or see them for a while.

People get hurt,

and when they do,

they withdraw.

—————————-

And suddenly you feel so silence.

So lonely.

So you jump into any kind of group,

trying to make some bad jokes so you can laugh.

Then rain came down,

soaking all that is on you.

“Well.. Maybe it’s time to leave and just be me”…

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A good one..

That was the night when we are sitting in in the dark, side by side.

You and I have mutual interest that everyone in the world would know that these kind of people are meant to be. But most of the times mother nature breathed for another story. People with similar interests, traits, characters would end up as friends, and the different ones would end up as mates. I wonder which one will my story be?

Every time, every moment, I met someone like you, I end up to let someone like you go because my story is not yours, and your story is not mine. I once had a dream that I wished to come true, to understand the reflection I see in the mirror is the reflection of  who you are when we are together. I thought I knew what I wanted, the kind of prince whom will be my king someday. But I take no control in life and life would want me to have different story. And that story is not what I had dreamed for this long.

Life is like a book. And I have no idea of how the Author would want the book to be.

Until I gave all my hope and close my eyes to anyone, so I would not get hurt anymore every time I thought of someone and how I wish him to be someone in my life.

When people ask me, I could not answer. Because nobody would understand this character of having enormous fear for being hurt. I could not bear to stand a single foot to face my fear.

When I was home, I was thinking to see you, and I stood long in front of the mirror so you would see me as someone that you never knew before. Someone you never knew that I could be. But I knew that you would not see me as anyone no matter how good I am standing right in front of you. I am just me, ordinary friend who would always be your good friend to share same interests.

And when you got someone beside you, that guilty feeling inside of me came to me like a beast attacks its prey. I tried to maintain that complicated feeling by keep telling you that I am your friend, your good one. And I tried to avoid what can be avoided when we are together. I tried to avoid this feeling of getting stronger towards you. Please don’t blame me if I am slowly pull myself away from our friendship.

You met her before I met you. And that’s not anybody’s fault.

I understand that to love is to be vulnerable. But maybe I am just not ready to be vulnerable, because I would see myself as a broken pieces of glasses, weak and helpless. You won’t see me as someone who is brave enough to face the city traffic, or step outside when it is too dark even to take a walk, or looks ignorant while talking with someone, or independently going somewhere by my own, because I am getting pretty fed-up with pain.

I regularly take a look on your profile in the cloud, realizing that maybe, maybe .. maybe I do miss you for that silence moments when I don’t see you, nor talk with you. And how I wonder how you have been doing during the daylights and rush hours. But that’s okay (I guess) because love is not a possession. I don’t have to have you in my hands, because seeing you peaceful and happy is all that matters.

When you laugh, I will laugh with you.

When you smile, I will smile with you.

When you cry, I will cry with you.

I will listen to you and I will stand with you..

I will be there, at your lightest and darkest moments, because I had learned a long time ago, that love is not only meant because we are couples. I am your friend. A good one 🙂

Injured.

I have never felt so unwell every time I stepped my feet on a hard surface like the pavement. That kind of feeling when you want to be angry because you’re in sever pain, but that means you are hurting people without any reasons, and it just so unfair.  And when I get pissed of because of simple things,I kept telling myself: “don’t let anything or anyone ruin your mood. Be calm. Stay calm.”, over and over again. I close my eyes and take a deep breath to release those negative energies that feeding me.

April 2016. That was my longest run, 31k, preparing myself for my first Full Marathon race in Singapore. I recalled myself had always being so strong in running, never feel tired or feel any pain after my long run. Even after I did a long run, I still managed to run for another mid- distance run a day after. That day, I woke up at 3.30am to run at 4.00am so I will still be able to catch the second Sunday service at 10.00am. I ran for about 4 hours straight, strong and happy. Went to the service, but turned out I skipped the service as I met my friends and they asked me to hang out with them. So I planned to attend the third service at 12.45pm in which I was also miss to attend because another friends joined our day to hang out and walk around Kota Kasablanka Mall. So last plan was to attend the fourth service at Pullman Hotel at 3.30pm. I definitely won’t miss that because some of the group had not been to attend any services as well. We walked around the mall for few hours, got bored, and moved to Grand Indonesia while waiting for the fourth service to start, and walked around the mall again, just did some window shopping like how girls would do when they gather.

Attended the service, and for the next 30 minutes I stood while the church was doing the praise and worship moment, that came, the severe pain on my left foot. After the service, I still went for another window shopping and hang-out with my friends, and the pain getting worse. I walked with limp on my left foot. I never doubt my instinct, that evening, my instinct told me that I was injured. I denied on what happened to my feet for two days, but the pain won’t went away. I drank painkillers (anti-inflammation), but I got overdose (found out that I am allergic to anti-inflammation medication), and ended up in hospital, flushing out the anti-inflammation medications toxin from my system.

Long story short, I finished my Sundown Singapore Marathon, suffering from incredible drowsiness as the event started from midnight to sunrise and pain from my injured foot. Three days before I left, I went to the doctor and he injected me with corticosteroids medication to make it fastly healed. It worked just fine, but I still feel the pain. Thank God the pain did not do worse after I ran 42k, I managed to walked around Singapore until the day ended after taking three hours rest. And I still can do 5k morning jog + 5k morning walk back to the hotel on the day after.

I learned two things from my injury: cooling down muscles by stretching and rest. After my 31k run, I was so in rush to go to Church and did not do any stretching AT ALL and I walked / stood for the whole day straight. I am just an ordinary human who can fall and gonna need quite some time to recover from the exhaustiveness. Regrets came after, because it did not stop until then.

Planned my training for my second Full Marathon in Bali in August, I  kept running short to mid-distance. And one day, the injury came a much worse when I did my long run, where it hit both of my feet. The pain kept came and go. I was so stubborn. The road is my only place, running my only time for me to relieve all the angers, disappointments, seek answers, throwing negative energies. I was so afraid to face myself because I could not take those negative energies off of myself by running many hours. I kept running and ignored my pain. Stubborn.

Those four to five weeks of not running in early July because I was recovering from Typhus (as well as the injury) were my darkest weeks because I am facing my problems without cannot relieving it. And was not able to tell anybody about anything because of the trust issue I have, afraid that someone might judge or telling others about it.

I finished Bali Marathon just okay, but somehow God granted me the ability to run without pain at all. I prayed all night long the day before the event started, God is too good and He gave me the chance to finish the race. Went for few days extension in Bali and Gili Trawangan, the pain I felt came just a little. Still forcing myself to run day after day, sometimes the pain was there, and sometimes the pain was gone. Went for a regular therapy, but these feet are still active, used to run over and over again three times a week. I saw my calendar and there are a lot of run races I had signed up until November, and I just couldn’t not train.

Yesterday was my last run race for the next two months in Compressport Heritage Run. And today I was in severe pain cause by my injury. The injury had brought past injury when I was still as a part of Basketball Team in High School. The one that made me so down because doctor told me to stop playing Basketball for the rest of my life. I buried all my Basketball collections, because I was too broken to remember my love of the game.

When I was hanging my Compressport finisher medal, I cried. Texted Ma and told her that I was so sad because I couldn’t relieve things I should relieve through running. I committed myself to get a full rest and focus on recovery, because I barely could walk the whole day yesterday (I could not even go for a Sunday service after resting). She said to get rest first (by means, sleeping). Well she knew that if I am too sad, the only thing to get (a bit) better is by sleeping. I woke up two hours later and we talked. She reminded me that it was only temporary, it doesn’t mean forever. I knew. I knew it is only temporary. But there are so much thing that worry me and I thought that running could make it so much better. The physical strength I gain through running also giving me emotional strength.

People told me that I can still cycling and swimming long distance. But the feeling of running would be much different from the feeling after cycling and swimming. When I cycle, I need to focus on the road, be aware of the traffic. When I swim, I focus on “singing” with the rhythm created when my hands hitting the water. But when I run, I think. And that thoughts have given me so much things and ideas of why I do what I do.

I’m gonna miss the sunrise I welcome when I go for a morning run, the dew I break through when I breath, the heat I feel from the boiling blood-flow, and how I sweat a lot :p (sweating was a rare thing before I started run).

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny” – C.S. Lewis – found this beautiful line when I was reading an article online. I recalled my memories when I watched or read an article about injured professional athletes. They were taking days, weeks, months, or even years off to focus on recovery. And when they came back, they came back stronger, healthier, and with better performances. Even the greatest athletes had once experiencing the bitterness when they could not do what they do for a living.

I am not alone.

You are not alone.

Everybody feel the pain at some point.

Take a pause.

Take a rest.

Look for God’s purpose in your life.

Don’t be influenced by other people’s expectations in life.

God had sent me a message last night when I was alone in my room, difficult to walk, and questioning God why this happens because this injury  is so painful and it is very easy to me to get upset and sad because .. it is just tooooooooo painful: “you are creative. Get creative in your life, because I had given you many abilities to be unique. Start something else that will make you become better”.

Ah.. I remember that JPCC’s theme this month is “creativity” 🙂