I’ve been fighting with acceptance lately.
If I recall my life a year ago when I was still doing everything by myself, I have no issues about what people think of me or how people would see me when I do what I do. Though I felt a little bit of loneliness here and there, but I was happy because I did not need anybody to accept me, I just need myself to accept me, and I am so focused of getting better for myself.
I did not need anybody to accept my performances, about how many things I am able to do something out of the ordinary.
I did not need anybody to acknowledge me that I can do series of activities like some few and rare people I had known and read.
I did not need anybody to see myself as a competitor, but seeing me as a partner.
I did not need to be influenced by anybody so I can be friends with some group of people.
I just need to be me, loving what I do..
While I kept telling myself that I am unique, I am still struggling with the fact that being a part of some communities is not merely fun, but instead adding new pressure to be accepted and acknowledged by the communities.
What is the point of being a part of something, but nobody could see you as a contributor to something good? I started to question myself, whether being a part of a community is a good or bad thing.
My character as someone who is extremely sensitive would took me to the tug of war game whereas at some point of time I would be present as anybody could see me, and some other point of time I would stay hidden. The bad of me keeps suppressing my emotional thoughts: that I don’t belong anywhere. I tried to find answers (like how most introverted thinker would do) why at some point of time I often think that I don’t belong in anywhere. But I have lost all my positive energies by thinking that I stay at a wrong place, living in a wrong world. I spent my nights to sleep in a exhausting breath, wakes up heavy, and go out with tension. I knew, I have to get out before I’m losing myself. I have to get out before I am drown into boredom because I would then losing my purpose of doing the things I do now.
I slowly reducing the intensity being too active in some groups, especially when it comes to the talking. I chose to held back, because I understand that I am still facing my fear of being rejected, judged, and underestimation from some people.
Last Sunday sermon from Ps J.C was a great one for me. “The tedium and emptiness in our lives cause by the absence of creativity. Do something about it – be creative”.
The pressures I am facing from some communities almost make me knocked down back to the point where I feel and think that life is all about acceptance. Life is not about being accepted and acknowledged. Because we cannot live and do anything we love, and make everyone happy. For me, life is about being happy. Nothing is worth it if we are not happy.
Few months back I was so stressed because I was planning to draw back from my singing community (the one that is difficult to join) and was planning to get focused on working up my performance in sports, so someone, some groups, some people would see me as something more. I was not happy, yet satisfy of what I was at that moment. My depression had made me to withdraw from any social networking apps / webs for quite some time. But then I realized that the decision to join singing community is me being creative to banish boredom so I won’t get stuck in life. I am being me, the hyperactive girl who loves to explore things, get busy, and do what I can do while still can. From there, I can always learn and understand how God had endue me with many talents.
Last Sunday was also my first time of serving God as a part of JPCC Choir. I was so focused on preparing myself to serve God, I practiced hard day and night by listening to the assigned songs and singing it over and over again, until I forgot that I had tons of messages laying with my unread whatsapp groups. I was so focused on getting enough rest and recover from the tiredness I continuously feel since came back from Bali two weeks ago. I was so focused on giving my best for what I can do that moment instead of being someone I am not. I was so focused on being humble because I am is who I am, unique and different from the others. There will always be a person who is much much better than us out there, humility is how we can see that we are no better than others. We are just who we are.
I ended my Sunday with joy (though very tired), and light-weighted mind. I learned that day that I need to be focused on doing what’s best in me instead of listening to others’ expectations.
I keep wondering myself that whether getting involved with many activities would be a good thing for me. I thought that people will see me as someone who is out of focus of her life. But it turned out to be a good thing because I explore the best in me through doing things I can do and love. I don’t need acknowledgement from my surroundings, because I maximizing my potential.
What is the point of being accepted by people when you are not accepting yourself? What is the point of being acknowledged by the world when you always feel that anything you do is never good enough? I knew that I am unique, and that uniqueness makes I am the one and only “Irin” in the world.