Each time i sit beside him, i never feel home. Home is the place where the purest love exists, where you can learn what you cannot learn, where you can receive what you cannot receive, where you can tell everything what you cannot tell to the outside world. Home is the place where the fundamental of life is built with trust and honesty.
But he is not a home to me.
I recalled myself few years ago, when i decided to fix the broken relationship with him, i came back from my runaway. Gain each other’s trust. Start from the beginning when we met after he was gone in those critical years of my life. Because i believed that people could change. I went back from the desert, broken and confuse. I need to fix something. And i chose to fix our relationships. The broken me thought that being near to him would heal me. I could learn to be much stronger, and things would turn to be better.
I lost a love. But i need to love. And be loved. Channeling that love to him would do me any better, i assumed. I could replace the love i lost by loving him. I believed he is changed. I believed he will love me like he was never be before. I believe he will redeem his absence in my life throughout the years. I started to believe everything about his life.
I was welcomed with a surprise that he was someone i never knew before. I guess people really do change, worse. The little girl inside of me felt insecurity. Tried to get along with him, but there’s a wall standing between us, and it gets higher by days. We are so close, so near to each other, but yet we are so far apart. When we fought, we turned to be the worst part each of us could be. Evil. Our words became swords that hurt each other’s hearts so deeply. We let darkness fill us and have power on us. He let himself.
And he meant every words. No appologize would be coming out from his heart, no matter how hard i tried to appologize, he will always be .. that .. cold.
I turned bitter.
The reason we fought was that i needed to tell him the truth, things i felt, i feel. Be honest to each other.
But he taught me how to be liars. He is not someone where he can be my home anymore. I never see love coming out from him. Especially for me.
For some time in each month i would spend some of my days with him. Seeing him with few people that should not be here, should not be in my life, in our lives Those days will never be my best days. But i was, and am willing to sacrifice hours and days of my freedom to be with him. Before i meet with him, there will always be hours or days needed for me to recharge the emotional energies to be absorbed by the negativity he always throw at me.
But he seems happy. And i guess that’s all that matter. And i guess i am stucked with God’s command to respect and love him no matter who he is become. The more i am trying to hate him, the more i am hurting myself. And i am also stucked with the gift God me to be so sensitive in loving someone.
Tell me, God. What do you want from me for him?