One thing about losing someone: you never forget about them.
I was walking around the mall at KoKas after the third service at my church. Planned to buy few personal things, I went here and there to find the stores (though I ended up to went back home empty handed). I enjoyed it, actually. Before I realized that everybody was walking with someone or their friends. And somehow I got jealousy attack. I wondered how does it feel to be with someone. I kinda forgot about it :p
Well, maybe I was just feeling lonely.
Went back home to have a rest and early goodnight sleep. But I kept thinking of the thoughts I think during the day: the longings of sharing things and thoughts with someone.
I brought that thoughts to my sleep, went to bed at 7.30pm.
The worse thing of you to think about what bothers your mind before you are going to sleep is you’re gonna dream about it. And I happened to often experience it. Nightmares.
I dreamed about my past. It was when love were blossomed like spring season. We were madly in love for years. But it did not meant to last forever. We both met different persons in the mid-way. You stick with her, while I stick with myself after I lost him after two years. Until today. I still remember the moment when you were decided to went away, living another journey without me. I still remember our tears were falling down the cheeks as we say goodbye. We said goodbyes for thousands times, but we always find each other back. But that day, it was the last goodbye.
The dream was recalling the moments when you turn away your face of me, when your holding hand towards mine were apart, when your eyes looking forward leaving with the lost dreams to be with you, when I saw you for the very last time. “Tell me, love, tell me.. Am I not enough for you?”, as I crawling on the floors, begging you not to leave me.
As the alarm sounded, I found myself in tears. Just like I was in my dream.
Few hours later, as the City is surrounded by clouds, they also visit my heart. I found myself in a mellow-state of feeling. On Monday.
The most thing I scared of most is when people leave me. I understand that I am a highly-sensitive person, but that doesn’t always mean that I’ll get hurt easily. “The Sensitive” feeling inside of me would give me the ability to be able to understand and read all situations. And I would often withdraw from people because I am protecting myself from getting hurt or absorbing any kind of feelings from the surroundings. It might overwhelmed me.
When people make some space with me, I would know it, and it hurt me by thinking: “what do I do wrong?”. I realize that I have so many kind friends around me. But most of the time, I am too afraid of getting hurt, and would leave me to withdraw or avoiding them because I am protecting myself. Because I would feel so many emotions inside of me that I cannot bear, I cannot handle. That’s why, bonding with someone scares me to the hell.
As I have known variety kind of people, some would understand, and some others would judge because they don’t understand to be able to feel this way. That’s why most of the time I would prefer to be alone, but at the same time I would feel loneliness.
Like a curse and a blessing come together in one form.
I took a moment to wake up from the dream, and having a thought about it. Well, maybe dream is really a reflection of what we were thinking about before we go to sleep. And sometimes it also reveals our deepest, darkest feelings and secrets. Just about when I think about the things that make me afraid beside the dark, nor ghosts, nor spiritual things, nor people, just loneliness by being left by the people I treasured the most.