EN · Journey of Love · Poem

Let me not forget a moment

If it is not my portion to meet thee in this life,

then let me feel that I have missed thy sight — let me not forget for a moment,

let me carry the pangs of this sorrow in my dreams and in my wakeful hours.

 

As my days pass in the crowded market of this world,

and my hands grow full with the daily profits,

let me ever feel that I have gained nothing — let me not forget for a moment.

 

When I sit by the roadside, tired and panting,

when I spread my bed low in the dust,

let me ever feel that the long journey is still before me — let me not forget a moment,

let me carry the pangs of this sorrow in my dreams and in my wakeful hours.

 

When my rooms have been decked out and the flutes sound,

and the laughter there is loud,

let me ever feel that I have not invited thee to my house — let me not forget for a moment,

let me carry the pangs of this sorrow in my dreams and in my wakeful hours.

 

—–Rabindranath Tagore

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EN · Life Lesson

you have been a blessing in my life

I don’t get easily comfortable with someone. When I don’t, I’ll withdraw, I will go as far as possible as I can. But when I do, I will feel safe when they are around. I knew that I fear nothing when they are near me. Because I trust them not to judge, I trust them to support me, and I trust them in many aspects of my life.

There’s always a thing about having someone special in your life. In the first meeting, you never knew that he will be someone who teaches you precious lessons for the better me. He had invested one of the many most precious things in the world for the survival of my life-journey as I’m gonna step into what’s so called “the life of 30s”. But unfortunately his presence near me lasts for a short time only. I’ll be physically losing him in a blink of the eyes.

I’m not talking about intimate love here. The kind of love and care can also apply for good friends or best friends. And he has been my very best friend throughout the year, or as long as i could remember. A big brother. A male figure as strong, as wise, as independent as a father could ever be.

It’s a funny, every time I meet new people, join new group of people, a community, i always got attached to someone, and it must be a guy. That particular kind of guy always become my best friend, my big brother, the figure i never had in my life, the figure i was lost since i was little kid, the one that protects me, the one that accepts me no matter how broken i am, the one that understands me no matter how moody i am. God knows every little girl needs her big guy to learn the things she should’ve learned from .. guys.

He has been one of the guys that convince me, open up my mind wider, that good guys are really exist somewhere in the world. God did not send me into a relationship to experience healing, no matter how hard I’ve asked Him to allow me to meet with my future mate, but He wanted me to be whole before anything starts. He sent me a best friend like him instead so i can recover from the traumatic experiences i had when i was in my past relationships.

His existence has been nothing but a tremendous blessing in my life. He has unlocked the things i should’ve known at my age but i did not know before because i was held captive in a basement of a house that filled with so many protections. I was not allowed to see the outside world. And as i grew up, i lost interests in finding out. He is one of the “special people” whom has added up the numbers on the “things you should’ve done (or known)” list when i encounter with difficult people. Conflicting with those kind of people is my biggest weakness.

He has made big changes in my life. This is my story about him, and i won’t forget the learning I got from him:

There were weeks where i chose to be on my own, withdrew from the crowd i used to attend every single day. Everything seemed in chaos, my personal life, social life, and everything i could hold onto. I was lonely, yet decided to be alone was the best decision i could ever had that moment. Protecting myself from .. myself. Cannot face the fact if i got offended by someone, i would feel so useless, rejected, and unwanted. Cannot fight the biggest war, because the war is within you, within myself. I was so vulnerable.

He came up, asked where have i been for the past weeks. I guess he noticed the changes in me (and at least I was thinking that someone pay attention for my existence). I was so unsure whether to tell him the truth or should i tell him things most people wish to hear so they won’t judge? I didn’t know whom to trust. While I kept that for myself, he kept coming and asking the same question, over and over again. Guess he knew that something is up. I learned to open up and trust him.

So we arranged a short meet to talk. In the daylight, during the most flexible hours we both could ever had. There was a lot of things in my mind, yet i was only able to utter in two or three lines. It was short. And brief. But that was not the thing i wish to express. I wanted to say a lot of things! But i couldn’t. I guess i am better at writing than talking.

At that moment, i was so hurt for the things that only a little kid can get hurt of. I knew i was being childish. Seeking for the world’s attention, whereas i knew that my existence is to give something to the world. And not to take. My expectations were beyond the limit. I made the same mistake when i was into an intimate relationship few years back: “i thought he’d do the same to me”, and it ended so badly. I thought they’d do the same to me. I thought they’d feel the same thing as i feel about them. I encountered difficult people. But i’m still trying to please them. The worst part of me was awaken: i was a people pleaser, because i am an approval addict.

He came up with a very good insight, that those kind of difficult people will never turn to be someone we wish they were to be. He tried for years, but he never succeed, said he. From there I realized that I was not crazy, thinking that I could win those difficult people’s hearts. He convinced me that there are some people in this world, no matter how hard you’ve tried, cannot be bond with people like us: the kind of people that is extremely sensitive for being among bunch of people. “You have to leave them as who they are, and accept them as you wish them to accept you”. And if they don’t accept me, then be professional, expect them to be just an acquaintance, only talk about the topics which we have same interests on, “so you won’t get hurt”, as he continued. As far as I’ve tried to be so understanding, I just need to make more effort to be even more understanding than I already had against those people. People who hurt people, is hurting.

He also mentioned that I need to accept myself. That is my greatest weakness.

For days i contemplated on what he said. And i slowly open myself for being exposed to the people who hurt me, while constantly I remind myself of the message he passed on me, that i just need to convince myself that i am loved and cherished by so many people to the extent that such feelings overflowed and irrepressible so I had to give it to others. And today, I am no longer avoiding those people, but instead I am creating positive vibes around them so that I still can shine with my own positive energy without being affected by their negative energies.

As you reading this, maybe you did not realize, that at first whenever I am going to see them, I was considering your presence because you made me feel safe. And then slowly I can stand by my own, dared myself to be exposed to any possibilities of getting hurt. That is how you made changes in my life, I’m blessed to be able to meet you and know you personally, and give guidance to me as a big brother 🙂

I somehow knew for a long time that pain is inevitable. But I always force myself to believe that we can avoid getting hurt. I am a control freak. I force myself to believe that if we plan everything accordingly, we can avoid mess, but only few we cannot control can happen. But the more I meet with various kind of people, I learned that there are “TOO” MANY things we cannot control, and I just have to let it go. I had learned in a painful way few years back about letting go the control, and now I learned something deeper, and adding another meaning in my life: accepting yourself. Myself.

We are counting the days to be (physically) part. The truth is that I am very sad that you are leaving. Well I don’t know how to express this sadness properly. I express sadness in the most complicated way: writing. And when I write, I hide my feelings in between each lines. You are my best friend, and one of the best big brother I ever had, who will not be sad if you have found someone who can be both at the same time, but you will be parting soon? There’s nothing in the world would describe how sad I actually am..

We will be missing you, a lot. And I will be the most.

But I hope our friendships will never end. As long as we are living under the same sky, shining under the same sunshine, looking at the same moon, you will always be someone who has brought significant impact in my life, and I will channeled the kindness you have given to me for other people.

This is the prayer I always hum when someone that is special as you will be stepping a new journey :

May the road rise to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face.

May the rain falls softly on your face.

And until we meet again.

May God hold you in the palm of His hands.

(The Irish Blessing – The Idea of North)

Good luck for you new journey. I wish you the very best of your life, I pray that God always guide you and lead you wherever you go, whatever you do. May all the success follows you in every single step of your life.

I don’t want to say goodbye to you. But I’ll say: I will see you soon 🙂

About Me · EN · Life Lesson

the loss

This is the flu talking..

There’s nothing would fear me other than separation. I guess that runs in my blood since I was little kid. Being reminded of my past when Da left when I was growing up, I grew up to be someone who fears of abandonment. Rejection. Once I was aware that nothing lasts forever in this world, I let it feeds my fear and growing up to be someone who vulnerable enough when it comes to the social life.

My disability has brought me to be someone who appreciates other people when they got into my life. I bond with them. I got attached with them. I wish to be one of their closest individuals. And when I meet new people, I knew whom shall I get close to, and whom shall I not. I just knew. Though sometimes I made a mistake by thinking that “I need to” just to get an approval.

I passed thousands of people who come into my life whom goes in a snap. Some of them would mean to be acquaintances. While some of the other people would mean more than just being an acquaintance, they became the people I love and care the most. One thing I most believe that when someone got into our lives and bond with us, it meant for something good. I also believe that there’s nothing in this world happens without a purpose.

There were some time when God allowed me to have a proper goodbyes to those who left me. But there were also time when God allowed me to feel the broken heart by losing people I care the most so sudden while at the same time He taught me to be stronger, wiser. He taught me to accept the things I cannot control.

When I was thinking that I’m gonna lose someone in the near future, I prayed to God. I told him that I am so tired of getting close to someone only to lose them eventually. So while I’m struggling breathing with my runny nose, I told Him to send someone who would stand by my side and never leave me anymore. I told Him to send me a mate by showing me what do I need from a harmonious household. I told Him to lead my heart so I won’t make a mistake. I told Him to guide each of my steps to arrive at the right destination. Someone who can equalizes the existence of two different entities in a place called home. Someone who loves Him.

I wouldn’t write this if I’m not feeling the sadness caused by the loss.

As far as I can remember his existence has added another meaning in my life, in finding the greatest purpose of life. And that’s all that mattered today.

Again. This is the flu talking..

We are gonna miss you. And I will be the most.

About Me · Blessings in Disguise · EN · Life Lesson

being strong from the past

When I was young and innocent, my older friends told me that I have suffered from incidents that were not supposed to happen to people at my age. I was a crybaby back then, but also strong at the same time. I came to my close older-friends to share my burdens because I was so confuse what should I do, how should I react in certain situations. I knew I had to learn something to survive that over-sadness feeling. I thank God that He had placed me into positive communities for me to grow bigger, wider. If someone asked me today the reason of being so active at church, I’ll tell them with one simple statement: because I grew up in church.

But that’s not what this all about.

I met many kind of people with different identities, different point of views, different character, different past, different purposes, different backgrounds, those that hurt, those that fell and never come back, those that fell and rose again, those that survived, and many other kind i cannot mention one by one. They had formed, sharpened me to be someone I am today. But one thing that never change from myself: “the basic” of me formed because of my past, my background, those pain I experienced from undesirable incidents. “We are all products from our pasts”, but we decide whether we are defined by it or chose to be better.

There are some parts of myself that still hanging unto that, the dark and painful past. And it created one big hole inside of my heart. I created another wall to protect myself. Some people would see that I am a very sensitive person, and those people are strongly opposed that. Less only wish to get close to me because they thought I hurt easily. I became a victim of bullying in some places because of their judgments. When things go wrong, the first thing I might blame is myself. I was lost. It is because I am too vulnerable of being confident to face the world filled with madness. Fears would eaten me up from the inside. But the world would not have mercy on me. I was beaten up, and I fell, but I rose again, thousands and millions times because I realized that God always gave me another chance to live every time day changes. No matter how hard things will be …

I DON’T HAVE TO WIN. I JUST NEED TO SURVIVE.

It is not the art of fighting that I learned along the years. It is the art of being strong to survive when life is felt too difficult to be lived. Some problems came so we can embrace them when it solved. Some other problems are meant to shape us. And when we look back to where it all started, we realize that we are getting stronger. I was someone less than I am today.

One fine day, I came to text my good friend and tell him that we need to talk. He’s been asking me a lot of questions about: how have you been lately?, and I always replied back to him: “it’s been bad”, or worse, or not good. So we arranged a quick lunch.

“So. What happened?”. Did not know where to start, I expressed all that I could. I was being chronologically explained how things going with my life. I withdrew from anybody, living in a cold and dark place filled with sorrow and loneliness, saw things as a curse. Tears filled each steps of my way. It was too hurt to be lived for.

Long story short, I was so disappointed with the “impossible” people. Spent all my energies to created strong bond with people who filled their hearts and lives with arrogance and bitterness, raised my expectation that someday those people would see me as a best-friend. But they will never can be ones. My friend opened my sight by reminding me that I just need to understand them exactly like how I wanted to be understood. He said that he tried to create bonds with them as well, but maybe they are not people who can be our-kind of friends. It made my sense. And from there I learned to level up my humility, that every time I encounter them, I just need to be open to everything they are going to throw, because they are hurting. They are thirsty for warm love and better lives.

What other thing I need because I have everything: God’s unconditional love. I shouldn’t satisfy myself with mortal things such as thirst for attachment of people because people come and go.

Other than them, I should’ve cared for people who shows pure love towards me. Even though they are far away, but I knew that my name is always in their prayer list.

But this is how I got myself wrong. Most of times it would be easier to focus on bad things rather than the good.

There are such thing as “ex best-friend” in my world. It is not merely one must be our best friend forever. I am still trying to accept that, because this is my weakness: when I get close with someone, I am closely bond with them. I am too afraid if we are apart, we will be apart forever, and I can’t stand the feeling of losing someone I am closely bonded to. That’s why I heightens my wall to prevent the pain of being apart with someone I care and love wholeheartedly.

There are always stories between starting and ending one year to another, where I get close with someone, and then I lose someone. Separation is painful, and depressing. That is what I am experiencing year after years. I am too focused on my fears for the pain, of being vulnerable.

Every time I fell, and I rose again, I thank God I’ve got the chance to learn how to be strong, and then stronger, and much more stronger through separations, through diverse relationships I encounter. Because what other choices I have other than to be strong, so I can survive the world.

If people are that cold, why should I be?

I am here in this world to spread the warmth, the peace, and the joy. And for me being hurt would make me no difference than those hurting people who seeks reconciliation by hurting people.

Stay strong, Irin..

Daily Life: Take A Moment To Give Thanks

Take a moment to give thanks: jika aku kurang bersyukur..

Tuesday, 1 November 2016 @ 10.43 pm

Jika setidaknya aku kurang bersyukur hari ini, Tuhan..

Ingatkan aku..

Bahwa aku masih bisa bernafas,

aku masih bica berbicara,

aku masih bisa mendengar,

aku masih bisa berjalan,

aku masih bisa berlari,

aku masih bisa bekerja,

aku masih bisa makan,

aku masih punya teman-teman yang membawa keceriaan,

aku masih bisa menikmati hujan,

aku masih bisa menikmati panas matahari,

aku masih bisa berolahraga tak kenal lelah,

aku masih bisa beristirahat dengan baik di bawah atap.

Jika setidaknya aku kurang bersyukur hari ini, Tuhan..

Ingatkan aku,

segudang berkat Engkau limpahkan kepadaku,

tak terhitung bagaikan pasir di pinggir laut,

bagaikan bintang di angkasa.

Ingatkan aku,

Engkau tidak pernah melupakan aku..

(Today is not my best day, nor good or fine. But i thank You, God, that You are close. In my heart)