I don’t get easily comfortable with someone. When I don’t, I’ll withdraw, I will go as far as possible as I can. But when I do, I will feel safe when they are around. I knew that I fear nothing when they are near me. Because I trust them not to judge, I trust them to support me, and I trust them in many aspects of my life.
There’s always a thing about having someone special in your life. In the first meeting, you never knew that he will be someone who teaches you precious lessons for the better me. He had invested one of the many most precious things in the world for the survival of my life-journey as I’m gonna step into what’s so called “the life of 30s”. But unfortunately his presence near me lasts for a short time only. I’ll be physically losing him in a blink of the eyes.
I’m not talking about intimate love here. The kind of love and care can also apply for good friends or best friends. And he has been my very best friend throughout the year, or as long as i could remember. A big brother. A male figure as strong, as wise, as independent as a father could ever be.
It’s a funny, every time I meet new people, join new group of people, a community, i always got attached to someone, and it must be a guy. That particular kind of guy always become my best friend, my big brother, the figure i never had in my life, the figure i was lost since i was little kid, the one that protects me, the one that accepts me no matter how broken i am, the one that understands me no matter how moody i am. God knows every little girl needs her big guy to learn the things she should’ve learned from .. guys.
He has been one of the guys that convince me, open up my mind wider, that good guys are really exist somewhere in the world. God did not send me into a relationship to experience healing, no matter how hard I’ve asked Him to allow me to meet with my future mate, but He wanted me to be whole before anything starts. He sent me a best friend like him instead so i can recover from the traumatic experiences i had when i was in my past relationships.
His existence has been nothing but a tremendous blessing in my life. He has unlocked the things i should’ve known at my age but i did not know before because i was held captive in a basement of a house that filled with so many protections. I was not allowed to see the outside world. And as i grew up, i lost interests in finding out. He is one of the “special people” whom has added up the numbers on the “things you should’ve done (or known)” list when i encounter with difficult people. Conflicting with those kind of people is my biggest weakness.
He has made big changes in my life. This is my story about him, and i won’t forget the learning I got from him:
There were weeks where i chose to be on my own, withdrew from the crowd i used to attend every single day. Everything seemed in chaos, my personal life, social life, and everything i could hold onto. I was lonely, yet decided to be alone was the best decision i could ever had that moment. Protecting myself from .. myself. Cannot face the fact if i got offended by someone, i would feel so useless, rejected, and unwanted. Cannot fight the biggest war, because the war is within you, within myself. I was so vulnerable.
He came up, asked where have i been for the past weeks. I guess he noticed the changes in me (and at least I was thinking that someone pay attention for my existence). I was so unsure whether to tell him the truth or should i tell him things most people wish to hear so they won’t judge? I didn’t know whom to trust. While I kept that for myself, he kept coming and asking the same question, over and over again. Guess he knew that something is up. I learned to open up and trust him.
So we arranged a short meet to talk. In the daylight, during the most flexible hours we both could ever had. There was a lot of things in my mind, yet i was only able to utter in two or three lines. It was short. And brief. But that was not the thing i wish to express. I wanted to say a lot of things! But i couldn’t. I guess i am better at writing than talking.
At that moment, i was so hurt for the things that only a little kid can get hurt of. I knew i was being childish. Seeking for the world’s attention, whereas i knew that my existence is to give something to the world. And not to take. My expectations were beyond the limit. I made the same mistake when i was into an intimate relationship few years back: “i thought he’d do the same to me”, and it ended so badly. I thought they’d do the same to me. I thought they’d feel the same thing as i feel about them. I encountered difficult people. But i’m still trying to please them. The worst part of me was awaken: i was a people pleaser, because i am an approval addict.
He came up with a very good insight, that those kind of difficult people will never turn to be someone we wish they were to be. He tried for years, but he never succeed, said he. From there I realized that I was not crazy, thinking that I could win those difficult people’s hearts. He convinced me that there are some people in this world, no matter how hard you’ve tried, cannot be bond with people like us: the kind of people that is extremely sensitive for being among bunch of people. “You have to leave them as who they are, and accept them as you wish them to accept you”. And if they don’t accept me, then be professional, expect them to be just an acquaintance, only talk about the topics which we have same interests on, “so you won’t get hurt”, as he continued. As far as I’ve tried to be so understanding, I just need to make more effort to be even more understanding than I already had against those people. People who hurt people, is hurting.
He also mentioned that I need to accept myself. That is my greatest weakness.
For days i contemplated on what he said. And i slowly open myself for being exposed to the people who hurt me, while constantly I remind myself of the message he passed on me, that i just need to convince myself that i am loved and cherished by so many people to the extent that such feelings overflowed and irrepressible so I had to give it to others. And today, I am no longer avoiding those people, but instead I am creating positive vibes around them so that I still can shine with my own positive energy without being affected by their negative energies.
As you reading this, maybe you did not realize, that at first whenever I am going to see them, I was considering your presence because you made me feel safe. And then slowly I can stand by my own, dared myself to be exposed to any possibilities of getting hurt. That is how you made changes in my life, I’m blessed to be able to meet you and know you personally, and give guidance to me as a big brother 🙂
I somehow knew for a long time that pain is inevitable. But I always force myself to believe that we can avoid getting hurt. I am a control freak. I force myself to believe that if we plan everything accordingly, we can avoid mess, but only few we cannot control can happen. But the more I meet with various kind of people, I learned that there are “TOO” MANY things we cannot control, and I just have to let it go. I had learned in a painful way few years back about letting go the control, and now I learned something deeper, and adding another meaning in my life: accepting yourself. Myself.
We are counting the days to be (physically) part. The truth is that I am very sad that you are leaving. Well I don’t know how to express this sadness properly. I express sadness in the most complicated way: writing. And when I write, I hide my feelings in between each lines. You are my best friend, and one of the best big brother I ever had, who will not be sad if you have found someone who can be both at the same time, but you will be parting soon? There’s nothing in the world would describe how sad I actually am..
We will be missing you, a lot. And I will be the most.
But I hope our friendships will never end. As long as we are living under the same sky, shining under the same sunshine, looking at the same moon, you will always be someone who has brought significant impact in my life, and I will channeled the kindness you have given to me for other people.
This is the prayer I always hum when someone that is special as you will be stepping a new journey :
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rain falls softly on your face.
And until we meet again.
May God hold you in the palm of His hands.
(The Irish Blessing – The Idea of North)
Good luck for you new journey. I wish you the very best of your life, I pray that God always guide you and lead you wherever you go, whatever you do. May all the success follows you in every single step of your life.
I don’t want to say goodbye to you. But I’ll say: I will see you soon 🙂