When I was young and innocent, my older friends told me that I have suffered from incidents that were not supposed to happen to people at my age. I was a crybaby back then, but also strong at the same time. I came to my close older-friends to share my burdens because I was so confuse what should I do, how should I react in certain situations. I knew I had to learn something to survive that over-sadness feeling. I thank God that He had placed me into positive communities for me to grow bigger, wider. If someone asked me today the reason of being so active at church, I’ll tell them with one simple statement: because I grew up in church.
But that’s not what this all about.
I met many kind of people with different identities, different point of views, different character, different past, different purposes, different backgrounds, those that hurt, those that fell and never come back, those that fell and rose again, those that survived, and many other kind i cannot mention one by one. They had formed, sharpened me to be someone I am today. But one thing that never change from myself: “the basic” of me formed because of my past, my background, those pain I experienced from undesirable incidents. “We are all products from our pasts”, but we decide whether we are defined by it or chose to be better.
There are some parts of myself that still hanging unto that, the dark and painful past. And it created one big hole inside of my heart. I created another wall to protect myself. Some people would see that I am a very sensitive person, and those people are strongly opposed that. Less only wish to get close to me because they thought I hurt easily. I became a victim of bullying in some places because of their judgments. When things go wrong, the first thing I might blame is myself. I was lost. It is because I am too vulnerable of being confident to face the world filled with madness. Fears would eaten me up from the inside. But the world would not have mercy on me. I was beaten up, and I fell, but I rose again, thousands and millions times because I realized that God always gave me another chance to live every time day changes. No matter how hard things will be …
I DON’T HAVE TO WIN. I JUST NEED TO SURVIVE.
It is not the art of fighting that I learned along the years. It is the art of being strong to survive when life is felt too difficult to be lived. Some problems came so we can embrace them when it solved. Some other problems are meant to shape us. And when we look back to where it all started, we realize that we are getting stronger. I was someone less than I am today.
One fine day, I came to text my good friend and tell him that we need to talk. He’s been asking me a lot of questions about: how have you been lately?, and I always replied back to him: “it’s been bad”, or worse, or not good. So we arranged a quick lunch.
“So. What happened?”. Did not know where to start, I expressed all that I could. I was being chronologically explained how things going with my life. I withdrew from anybody, living in a cold and dark place filled with sorrow and loneliness, saw things as a curse. Tears filled each steps of my way. It was too hurt to be lived for.
Long story short, I was so disappointed with the “impossible” people. Spent all my energies to created strong bond with people who filled their hearts and lives with arrogance and bitterness, raised my expectation that someday those people would see me as a best-friend. But they will never can be ones. My friend opened my sight by reminding me that I just need to understand them exactly like how I wanted to be understood. He said that he tried to create bonds with them as well, but maybe they are not people who can be our-kind of friends. It made my sense. And from there I learned to level up my humility, that every time I encounter them, I just need to be open to everything they are going to throw, because they are hurting. They are thirsty for warm love and better lives.
What other thing I need because I have everything: God’s unconditional love. I shouldn’t satisfy myself with mortal things such as thirst for attachment of people because people come and go.
Other than them, I should’ve cared for people who shows pure love towards me. Even though they are far away, but I knew that my name is always in their prayer list.
But this is how I got myself wrong. Most of times it would be easier to focus on bad things rather than the good.
There are such thing as “ex best-friend” in my world. It is not merely one must be our best friend forever. I am still trying to accept that, because this is my weakness: when I get close with someone, I am closely bond with them. I am too afraid if we are apart, we will be apart forever, and I can’t stand the feeling of losing someone I am closely bonded to. That’s why I heightens my wall to prevent the pain of being apart with someone I care and love wholeheartedly.
There are always stories between starting and ending one year to another, where I get close with someone, and then I lose someone. Separation is painful, and depressing. That is what I am experiencing year after years. I am too focused on my fears for the pain, of being vulnerable.
Every time I fell, and I rose again, I thank God I’ve got the chance to learn how to be strong, and then stronger, and much more stronger through separations, through diverse relationships I encounter. Because what other choices I have other than to be strong, so I can survive the world.
If people are that cold, why should I be?
I am here in this world to spread the warmth, the peace, and the joy. And for me being hurt would make me no difference than those hurting people who seeks reconciliation by hurting people.
Stay strong, Irin..