This is the flu talking..
There’s nothing would fear me other than separation. I guess that runs in my blood since I was little kid. Being reminded of my past when Da left when I was growing up, I grew up to be someone who fears of abandonment. Rejection. Once I was aware that nothing lasts forever in this world, I let it feeds my fear and growing up to be someone who vulnerable enough when it comes to the social life.
My disability has brought me to be someone who appreciates other people when they got into my life. I bond with them. I got attached with them. I wish to be one of their closest individuals. And when I meet new people, I knew whom shall I get close to, and whom shall I not. I just knew. Though sometimes I made a mistake by thinking that “I need to” just to get an approval.
I passed thousands of people who come into my life whom goes in a snap. Some of them would mean to be acquaintances. While some of the other people would mean more than just being an acquaintance, they became the people I love and care the most. One thing I most believe that when someone got into our lives and bond with us, it meant for something good. I also believe that there’s nothing in this world happens without a purpose.
There were some time when God allowed me to have a proper goodbyes to those who left me. But there were also time when God allowed me to feel the broken heart by losing people I care the most so sudden while at the same time He taught me to be stronger, wiser. He taught me to accept the things I cannot control.
When I was thinking that I’m gonna lose someone in the near future, I prayed to God. I told him that I am so tired of getting close to someone only to lose them eventually. So while I’m struggling breathing with my runny nose, I told Him to send someone who would stand by my side and never leave me anymore. I told Him to send me a mate by showing me what do I need from a harmonious household. I told Him to lead my heart so I won’t make a mistake. I told Him to guide each of my steps to arrive at the right destination. Someone who can equalizes the existence of two different entities in a place called home. Someone who loves Him.
I wouldn’t write this if I’m not feeling the sadness caused by the loss.
As far as I can remember his existence has added another meaning in my life, in finding the greatest purpose of life. And that’s all that mattered today.
Again. This is the flu talking..
We are gonna miss you. And I will be the most.