This morning I wake up too early from the alarm scheduled, and the candle I always lighted out to accompany my sleep were still burning. Sat on the edge of the bed, I tried to awaken from the dream that looked so real. I almost cannot distinguish the dream and the reality. Then I tried to recall my night. I survived the night from having quality dinner plus drinks with few close friends. I kinda forgot my night as I suffered from the dizziness having four glasses of wine – where everybody stayed sober. But I felt safe being around them while revealing my true form when I’m almost drunk.
This is the end of the year, and everybody is chasing me down for the tight deadlines as office will be closed early for Christmas and New Year’s festive. I’m so overwhelmed by the people who forced me to do things I already have done because they are coming from external parties and they do not know that I already had done it without them asking or telling. A little runaway would help a lot. But what else do I have beside what I have today?
“You don’t have to worry if you get drunk with us. You’ll be safe”, said one of them while the other two nodded their heads showing an agreement. Them. I have them.
Few days ago I got a private message from one of my Facebook friends. I don’t really know him (or as long as I could remember), but we are friends in Facebook. “Thank you for your writings. I have been struggle with the issue you raised, questioning God this and that. I am blessed. Keep writing”. This is not the first or second or third time I got that kind of message from either unknown friends or friends themselves. But I had gotten many similar feedback, thanking me of what I shared through my writings.
Thinking of what I had written in my blog and how they bless other people, I revisit the past posts. I also got the chance to visit the one I had in blogger.com, but that blog was more about a diary rather than lessons I wish to share to the world, rather than “the me” I wish the world to know. I re-read some of them while I was heading to the office. There are so much lonesome I bestowed upon writing. Such sorrows. When I moved abroad, when I moved back and and found out that I lose my high school mates, and then I moved abroad again seeing my college friends as strangers, and few years later I came back and start my first real job, when I was mentally abused in that workplace, and then decided to move just to found out that I got no friends in any places like church, office, as well as the city I lived for the very first time. And I cried for years, ask God to give me companionship. I was so focused in getting a partner, while throughout the years I realized that I need to make peace with myself. I need to make peace with the loneliness. And then there was a point where I found myself so comfortable by being alone. I built the wall around me, the thick one, so anybody would see me as a “super-independent” individual that none could ever break. But behind the “strong-ass”, lies a very sensitive person because I did not let myself be sharpened by interacting with other people (Proverbs 27:17).
I did not stop praying. I kept asking God for giving me a community where I can grow. Family is distant and we rarely see each other. I realized I need someone, friends to keep me sane. Someone I can trust with. People who can build me and be my best.
His kindness brings abundant blessings.
At the beginning of the year God granted me people who turned out to have an impact on my life. I was never comfortable being around new people. I’ll feel awkward. I thought that they will be just acquaintances, so I could greet them whenever I ran into them. I never thought that they will fill my days (even weekends) and I will not feel bored seein them that often. My whatsapp group started from zero to dozens, from leaving the phone in 15 minutes with no message until hundreds messages and get me no time to read everything. From bunch of people I meet, became close with some of them, and their names embedded in my heart. They become a part of my life, so I won’t feel lonely anymore because I realize that every time I step out, I knew I’ll be seeing them, meeting them, talk with them and share a lot of things, laugh and smile with them, fall and rise with them, cry with them.
My friends from across the countries, the cities, came to me and say: “you’ve got a lot of friends now. And you look happy!”. And if someone comes and ask me whether I am adjusting well, I’ll say I don’t want to leave this situation. I wake up every morning to watch myself get excited to meet people in my office (beside doing what I do). Compare with my previous workplace, the burden I brought was always about the negative atmosphere I encounter with abusive people, that days, I hoped I could escape. But the pain I felt for 15 months paid off with patience dealing with difficult people. That did not stop until there, difficult people are everywhere, and I encountered few of them in the new workplace. But I had developed greater patience and attitude to face a more complicated situations. And when one of them approached me, gave me insight, and opened my mind wider, I did not need to take extra effort to change. Bad things happened for a greater purpose in the future, and we will not understand what it’s all about yet, but the journey won’t stop. The pain we experienced might be a blessing in disguise.
And just as I feel comfortable with today’s situation, one of them will be leaving soon, leaving three of us to stay, but I wish to and I believe that the circle will never be broken. He’s gone too soon..
I learned that best friends does not mean that you need to be near around you. Best friends stay in each other’s hearts. I learned more and more to accept that. Because I had experienced many events of parting, and I promised myself that I will not get attached to anyone if they don’t meant to stay. But life is all about meeting and parting. Each other will contribute their own portions to leave a mark in our hearts.
The wine night was one of the best night when I was with three of my best friends. I thank God I have them. While I was under alcohol influence, I was thinking, each of us fills each other’s lives in unique ways. And they might not stay forever. I might too to them.
I don’t like change, because it confuses me, the little girl inside of me who is longing for deep connection with someone (or people) I can trust. The grown-up me will keep soothes her that everyone will leave eventually, but we only have ourselves to survive tougher life journey. We have God who understands our needs, my needs when I told Him that I am independent from the outside, but so dependent in the inside.
I remember how my brother keeps telling me, for six years continuously, and never gets tired: cherish the moment. I was, during our togetherness, during the past lunches and dinners. I am. All the process we gone through for the past six months, I cherish each of it.
Knowing that God letting me to meet them for me to experience healing in certain aspects of life by looking at their lives, how they had passed difficulties, how they live their current lives, is allowing me to be grateful of what I have in front of me. Knowing that I am not alone. And God heard my cry when I was alone few months back, all by myself when I thought that He was late, but He never late. In His time He sent me them, wonderful people for me to add more joy, to escape from the exhausting year-end deadlines, to refreshed from the workload emotions.
2014 is about letting go. 2015 is about Faith. 2016 is about acceptance.
And I see how each of you see me of the person who is difficult to accept, and yet, you keep telling me how I need to accept.
Accepting myself, accepting my feelings, accepting my thoughts, so I can accept other people: the conflicts, their mistakes, their coming, their leaving, their needs, their longings.
Things might change in 2017. For you who leaves, we’re gonna be here to make our time to see you in some time (no pressure, no rush, just take your time to adjust). For you who stays, our journeys are still going long, and I cannot wait to walk it wih you.
Most importantly.. I thank God I have you guys 🙂