At the end of the day, this is what matters the most: your happiness, my friend..
Three days before New Year, I was sitting in front of my laptop, thinking what should I write to welcome 2017. But I realized that I had written so many things about 2016 in few previous posts: about how grateful I am for so many wonderful things in 2016. My fingers were frozen, I couldn’t write a single thing because everything had been uttered, I think I had accomplished the “writing of the year”. But I still forced myself that I have to write something, and I guess it’s just my way to satisfy the loyal readers, huh.. Waited for one or two more days, maybe I’ll have some ideas to give the world something to read. And then it came to moments before 2016 ended, I lost my way to write. I lost it not because I did not know what to write, but because I had so much things to say, to write, and I did not know how to deliver it even in words. I can only feel the mixed feelings of joy because I am grateful and the sadness because there will be so many changes in my life in 2017. I thought it will take me some time, but I guess I am just a walking words, and writing is how I recover from my sorrow.
It’s 6.49 PM, and I am still sitting in front of my laptop at my desk. Planning to go to a gym, but somehow I am more eager to write rather than exercise. So I stayed to write this, without anybody around.
Few minutes ago I just got back from a coffee meeting with some of best friends. It was just a three of us now, while one of us is somewhere far. Planned to meet and catch up few things in an hour, but ended up to spend two hours in a cafe near our workplace. And it’s never been enough time for us to tell what we are going to say – because everything seems important when we gather.
The meeting started with my issue, the two days cry and how I wasted my two days doing nothing but cry. The twos were listening carefully. Nodding their heads as a sign that they are understand and can feel what I felt. While I was listening to my own words, I also thinking: “do I sound that sad? But I cried so loud”, and then my mind recalled the last two nights when I was alone and thinking how I am gonna mourn for the next day, and then another days, and weeks, or months because of the loss. I was devastated. But then I looked at the reflection on their eyes, and I saw myself being strong, and how I am just being okay. Their faces showed gratefulness instead of concerns.
Earlier in the morning when I woke up I still crying. But God knew and He wanted to comfort me by showing me that there are so many people around me, loving me, I don’t need to worry if losing someone means I am losing everybody that deeply understands me. My brother sent me a comforting voice note that means so much to me, one of my friend asking me how have I been and how she missed me in the dinner I supposed to attend last night. And it got better when one of my best friend came to visit me for few minutes to hug me before she went to her lunch appointment, and few minutes later another one came to accompany me for the lunch even though I knew he would prefer to have lunch in any place around our office rather than the place where I was that time. Just when I was thinking that I did not want to see bunch of people, God sent one by one friend to accompany our lunch. We spent the afternoon with jokes and laughter. “You are loved, you are accepted for who you are. It is okay to show them the real you”, was what I’ve been listening for the whole day. It’s different this time, where I close my heart to anybody because I was so terrified of getting hurt if I bond with some people. But maybe this time God wants to show me that I am still the vulnerable-me, and that’s okay, and I just need to accept myself. It is okay to mourn, but don’t drowned too long. I came to the surface fast to draw breath and start a new beginning of myself. It is about “the new me”.
When I finished my story, I started to listen their stories. Those twos. While listening theirs, my mind won’t stop thinking: how one of them had changed from being that hard and difficult person into someone who appreciates this bonding moments and this friendship, and how another one gave us a complete trust. And how I learned to believe in people again. I see how this relationship grows, from strangers into best of friends, into family.
They were the ones who won’t let me go..
I received so many messages from my closest people that see me as a “sealed” individual and miss few good opportunities. I realized that I shut myself out and deny my own feelings, how can I be open to anybody? But seeing them, talking with them, I believe God sent me them to make changes in my life, for me to experience healing and be brave to deal with the pain.
As I made myself to be a “good listener”, said nothing but to resting my chin on my right hand, I watched them laughing to their own jokes, and one thought came up: “as long as you are happy, my friend, that is what matter the most”. Seeing their smiles, hearing their laughter, soothes me, soothes my heart.. Because this love does not mean that you need to find a potential “candidate”, you just need to understand that love has no boundaries.
One of us is far away, but you are still one of us.. And seeing the three of you when we gather is what excites me.. Hope we all can gather in a complete circle one day..
“Learn to love again from them, from your most-trusted people, then experience love one more time”..
At the end of the day, having valuable friends around is what matters the most.. Their happiness turns out to be mine as well..
Thanks for the laughter, btw 🙂