Last night was one of my loneliest night.
Okay. I admit that I have been listening those mellow songs for few months now such as the ones that composed by one of the greatest Indonesian composer, Andi Rianto – when I am home, when I travel outside my house, when I am on my way to somewhere, when I am working with my laptop during the days, before I’m going to bed, during my workouts – I normally listen to upbeat songs to maintain the pace, but instead I listen to slow songs. It is understood if I’m doing this few months ago, say November 2016, as I recalled that was the moment when I wept because I was gonna lose someone close to me in the near future. It’s past 2 months now, and yet I still feeling the same. Still feeling the loss. Or worse. I somehow feel lonely.
I was supposed to go to the gym last night, but I ended up on my bed, wasted my two hours just to daydream.
Yesterday evening, when it was my time to leave the office, I changed my clothes to my workout apparel because I was gonna ride back with Aaron. Planned to park Aaron at home, and cross the road to visit gym and attend a group exercise there. But when I reached home, laziness attacked me. So I was thinking to give myself a moment to rest, just giving myself the fun I deserve by watching serials I left unwatched.
I used to enjoy reaching home early without heaps of choice between which kind of exercise I should be doing this afternoon. I used to enjoy myself having dinner at home while watching serials. I used to enjoy cooking a simple meal while doing laundry. I used to enjoy laying on my bed while reading just to kill few hours before bedtime. But last night, I didn’t enjoy anything, and I felt I did not want to do any of that.
Bought a dinner from around the house, watched one episode, turned it off, took a shower, and then I laid on my bed doing nothing. Turn on my mellow songs to fill in the empty air. The night was still young, but yet, I was drained, running out of energy, emotional energy, felt like an old woman. There was a little bit of sadness, or a little too much. There was a little bit of loneliness, or a little too much. Not sure what I felt, I just knew that night I felt lonely. There was so much feelings, so many thoughts in my mins, and yet I did bot know how to express it. Tried to write, but nothing came up in my mind (but ended up I wrote previous post about “things to do if you are feeling lonely” before went to sleep – a writer will always be a writer :p)
I remember when my brother once said in a breakfast one fine morning: “if you realize that you are going through the valley of self-pity, pull yourself immediately before you are going inside of it”. I used to feeling sorry for myself when loneliness attack me, and all the self-blame. But there was a turning point where I found myself strong enough to choose between “cherish the moment” and “self-pity”, and no more self-pity controls me afterwards until today. I don’t know how, I just changed. Maybe because I met with several wonderful people who turn to be my best of friends, I met you. But just tonight, just this moment, let me savor back the old me.
When I looked up to the ceilings, and there were so many thoughts came up and how I wish to talk about them to someone but had no idea to whom, I ponder. I ponder about myself, of why I was feeling what I felt. Some questions don’t have answers, and they are meant to be by themselves for the rest of time, no pair – the question and the answer. Maybe because it is raining recently. Maybe because I am stuck in something. Maybe because of the “cycle”. Maybe because I am scared of everything. Maybe because I miss some people (or someone). Not sure which one. Or maybe I was sure, but I denied myself.
Earlier this morning, I went for a run. Under the drizzle. Reluctantly waking up, switched my alarm for another hour so I can sleep again. But then I chose to force myself to go out for a run. I never regret a workout even though I feel a little bit tired. Or a little too much, but I forced myself so I can release the negative energies feeding inside of me. I was physically tired. Maybe God knew I was gonna force myself, He made the rain falls heavier as I kept running. And when I came back home, the rain stops. God was making a joke with me. I felt better, I did not cry. But maybe the world is still not on my side today, so there’s another troubles knocked me down. I wished to be left alone for the whole day. Work is how most people dealing with sorrows. One of my way to deal with one (the sorrow).
Despite of everything, I am grateful God gave me the ability to see myself like a reflection in a mirror, so I can advice myself how to get out from the so called “sorrow valley”. If any workouts don’t do my feelings any good, writing will.
So here I am writing while heading my choir practice location, feeling better when I jumped from pond to pond because it just stopped raining leaving all the wet trails behind. Feeling better after I leave all my emotions here, in a form of black and white display. I guess I’m just better to express things by writing, especially feelings. Not really sure what I am trying to say here, but my job is done when I had revealed the unexpressed by tuck in few meanings between each lines.
And while walking, I’m still listening to those mellow song-list I set in Sean. There are some songs I play repeatedly without getting bored by listening to it thousand times. A very emotional and mellow ones. I guess rainy days giving me the mellow and sad feelings because troubles come as the rain falls, but then something in my heart says that one day it will go away eventually. What comes, will go eventually. Hey, we are living in a world where “forever” means “for a very long time we live”. Nothing really lasts.
These too shall pass: things change, people move on, everything will get better (or could be worse), but the most important thing is that we hold on – we wait until the rain stops and then we can continue our journey towards the destination. And something good will be seen behind the storm. Just like when I see the bright afternoon sky after a heavy rain, and the color of the sky when sun is just about to set in a few more minutes is irreplaceable.
So.. hold on..