All of us have struggles we don’t show to other people. Mine, lie in the mind-battle between me and myself where people would never see that in me. They mostly visit me during the night. I can hear loud voices inside of my mind. For some days, i am strong enough to let them pass my mind and let them slip out. For some other days, there are moments that i couldn’t bear it, i don’t have the strength to fight back. So i just lie down myself and get to sleep. When i wake up in the next morning, i’ll be forgetting what was there yesterday – and the circle keeps going. Maybe because i’m tired. Or maybe because i silently ask for a help and hope that someone would notice my struggle.
I would find myself asking why i feel the way i feel now. And i’ll look for answers. I’ll dig deeper and explore myself. And when that happens, i see myself withdrawing from being around. But i guess that is how introverts cope with their own struggles. I think it’s the art of being an introverted individual. But people often think that i’m too sensitive. I am. But this “sensitivity” doesn’t always mean that i easily get hurt. It could mean that i feel more than other people are feeling. And i understand if the world couldn’t understand this. So i would prefer to back off for a while from the surroundings and let myself settling her own.
When i woke up from the three hours deep sleep yesterday afternoon, i found the sky was almost dark. It was rainy for the whole morning, and cloudy for the whole day. Brought up all my emotions, the ones that i can’t explain. And they started to come: the unspeakable thoughts and i can hear them talking so loud inside my head. Planned to go outside in the evening just to refresh myself and spend the energies i gained back from having a long nap, i ended up to got back sleep in an early hour. Leaving me with a total 15 hours of sleep for the past 24 hours. There were times when i can’t explain myself, i’ll find myself hibernating herself. That is how i cope with some things i can’t explain, just when i was in a big shock when Da decided to start a new life without involving me – slept for 20 hours in a day. Yea. Maybe i was sad, but denying it was the best think my mind can do to let those talks get silence. But again, i’m not sure..
I used to love the night, because it is where i get to know the world after recalling beautiful events happened in the daylight. But night means those events will be faded away by the darkness and everything will just be memories to be remembered. And after many many months or years, they might be forgotten. Memories, feelings. People move on. And when people move on, things started to change a little bit, and then a few more little bit, and when we calculate them altogether, things are changing so much.
Am i the only one who is having issue in moving on? The only reason is just because the fear of being left alone.
I know now why i don’t like changes. Because changes make us forget so many things, and most of the times the beautiful things will also be forgotten. Because i don’t forget. I won’t forget. Memories, feelings.. Good or bad, i treasure them..
They make me happy, will i be that happy again one day? The same, or even more?
So while i am writing this in my favourite coffee shop waiting for an afternoon Sunday service start, listening to the music that could bring up the emotions into these words, i’m thinking other than to write this on, what else can i do to make (at least) today better. But there is none. I just need to wait. Because there are things that come and visit but don’t have a way out other than to survive. I don’t fight much, or hard, because i am more to wait for some things to pass. The only way out is to get through, right..
I am a fighter because i am a survivor, i just need to survive this phase.
As i had accepted myself of being complicated (as in the thoughts and the feelings), maybe at the end of the road i’ll learn something new about myself. Because this is what matter the most: to find and know your own self other than people know who you really are..
Let me by myself for some time?