Last night I went out with my best friend. At first it was supposed to be a short meeting (or evening coffee), but then it turned out to be a casual dinner with a good, deep, meaningful talk. I handed him one copy of my booklet. The book that talk so much about him.
As I told him (my best friend) the story behind how the book was being written, I can feel the burden that had once existed was already gone.
Burden? How can it be a burden?
Few years ago I was called to write a book. But I did not want to commit. Writing a book means a commitment. I can’t commit to spend long hours of sitting in front of the computer and writing. I ignored the calling God was once tell me years ago.
Then I met him.
When I started a journey with him, I never intended to write anything about him. When I thought the relationship was being serious, unconsciously I wrote things I went through with him. Especially the things I learned about him. I wrote in a bullet points in my personal notes.
And then the relationship just ended.
I was devastated, because I had opened myself. And I chose to love him (although at that point of time, I never realized before that I had loved him in such mysterious way).
I had nowhere else to go and to escape from my own mind, except to write.
As how brokenhearted people would do, they will revisit all the memories that had been formed when the moments were created. So did I. I revisited the chats and the things I wrote about him in my blog as well as in personal notes, and decided to develop it to be a story to be told to the world. Not to embarrass anybody, but I realized that writing is my most effective way of getting healed. I think that is the most beautiful thing an Introvert can give to the world: their emotions through writing.
And I found out that there were so many things I wrote about him, day by day, from the day we started our journey to the day we ended the relationship.
I told some of my closest friends that I am writing a book, about him. Some were saying that it inspired them, while some others laughed at me while saying: “what do you want to achieve from there?”. Well at least I know who can you call a “true friend” – you just need them to embrace your talents.
But what did I want to achieve once the book is finished? I was never intended to give it to him or even letting him know that I am writing something precious called “literature” about him. I just wanted one: to be healed. Because I was so broken and lost my way. Even when my (other) best friend asked me the “what’s next?” question, I barely could answer him.
So this is the journey..
It was a painful journey, of writing the book. I cried, a lot, and can feel the pain went through my bones. Everything in my life seemed to be so blur, and me, the perfectionist and extremely organized individual, got so messed up in arranging things in life: when to sleep, when to wake up, when to exercise, and so many other things. I lost track of time.
I just wanted him to fill my days with small talks and midnight conversations.
Writing a book, you really need to dive into its world. Otherwise, you won’t pour out the emotions you were supposed to share to the readers. But I committed to finish the book.
There were times when I wrote some part of the stories, I stopped. I stopped because I was shock. I was shock because I didn’t know before that I could be that all out. Putting my best effort to understand him, while I found out that he was not in the same page as me. I was so afraid in facing myself when I wrote that parts. Afraid of myself that got into a shock and turned to feel the pain, the sadness, the sorrows.
I just wanted to forget.
But I learned that moving on and getting healed is not about how much you forget about your own feelings. It doesn’t have to forgetting the person that hurt you. I don’t have to erase him from my heart, because he was a part of me.
It is about accepting that things are not going as you planned.
I never prepared that this relationship will end at such a short time. I thought it will last at least months if it’s not working, or years if it’s working.
All the ups and downs I encountered by writing our journey, I finally understand why things couldn’t go as the way it should had. Everything became so clear like crystal, and I embraced his consideration, his decision.
But from the bright side, his presence in my life had brought out the things I had buried for years, and I expressed it in a form of a book.
You bring changes 🙂
And I should be grateful that I’ve met you, and loving you in such way no one could understand.
Well, I had plans of making this official. Still looking a way to find a publisher. It’s okay. I won’t stop. Won’t stop looking, won’t stop writing.
Found my passion now…